Where is the HOPE? Part 2

This weekend I've been asking myself the question, "Where is God trying to break into my world to speak into my grief?  What is he saying?  Why am I feeling this all again so strongly?"

Several things came to mind:

1. It's not just my grief that I am aware of.  It's the grief of people struggling to make sense still of the 9/11 tragedy 10 years ago.  It's the pain of marriages trying desperately to survive, yet failing miserably because of the years of layers that have hidden the true love they had for one another.  It's the young man urgently seeking to turn his life around, only to be trapped by the false messages from his past and the consequences of his actions. It's people in the East dealing with floods, it's people in Texas dealing with fire.  It's so many others who are dealing with loss and pain- emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, professionally, ....

Where is the hope for these people?  How do I lift their chins to see the face of God when they've never known Him before?

2. I watched the movie, "Titanic" this weekend.  I found myself weeping - no, sobbing- as this iconic vessel came crashing down- amidst the screams and paralyzing fear of its occupants.  Only a few survived, mostly women and children, largely due to the protocol of the ship's crew.  As one of the life boats finally came back to search for any survivors, there is a dark, ominous scene as the boat slowly makes its way through a floating maze of frozen bodies.  These had been frantic people just moments before trying desperately to call for help or find a way to survive.  Yet now, there was only silence & death.  Except of course for the heroine of the movie, Rose.  She had been saved by the valiant efforts of a boy she had met on the ship and fell in love with.  But he could not save himself.  

Was I weeping for the people of the Titanic all these years later?  I suppose some of my tears were for them.  But it was more for all the people they represent in our world right now.  People that give a silent scream, a desperate cry for help.  If we are listening, the sound is deafening.

Where is their hope?  

Where is the HOPE?

Every once in a while you need a little nudge to get through life.  You set reminders on your phone for important dates or appointments.  You hang post it notes on the fridge to remind you of tasks that need to be performed. You hang 3x5cards on the bathroom mirror with quotes or verses that give you inspiration or direction.  Or you wear bracelets to remind you of hope! Just a little something to help you keep focused on what's most important.

Well, last week was one of those weeks.  It was the end of August- and it just wasn't ending fast enough.  I started the month knowing that it was bound to be difficult. Five years ago Leisha died.  I knew that having a milestone anniversary was bound to knock the wind out of me.  I prepared for the date- planned things to do that would allow me time to just celebrate and reflect.  But the closer it got, the more difficult it was to breathe easily.  I began to feel my teeth setting, my jaws becoming rigid as I tried to do the next right thing.  My tears came often and out of no where.  My heart broke at the simplest reminder of the her absence.  But not only her absence, but the girls going off to their last year of their program. They both graduate in May- Cait with her Master's, Brie with her Bachelor's degree.  Life is making bigger changes all the time and those last few days of August seemed to amplify all the emotions I had regarding all of it.  The intensity of grief was every bit as strong as in the darkest days.  The blending of highs and lows, soaring and failing kept me out of balance at every turn.  I found myself spiraling downward- a very familiar, though not so recent memory.

I found myself asking over and over, "Where's the hope?"  Where is the hope? Where is the hope? There had been many times in the last 5 years when I was so overcome by those words. But I had felt quite proud of myself for finding hope and feeling life again.  I had even spoken about it on several occasions.  But here I am again.  I really feel lost.  I really hopeless, as if it grabbed me by the legs and was dragging me back into that tunnel of darkness.    If God is a God of hope, and if He promises to never leave us- then where was He now.  But if I've learned anything in these last 5 years, it's that to see hope, you've got to look for it.  He hasn't left me, but sometimes I've got to notice where He is.  That takes intentionality, and that takes time.

So I jumped in my car and headed to the DEEP WOODS to listen.  As I drove, I popped in the CD I had resurrected from my collection.  It was an old Steven Curtis Chapman CD.  The first words I heard were voices, as if from a current radio or TV spot giving the news of war and destruction, of loss & despair.  Suddenly another voice comes on- a preacher, (actually I think it might be Chuck Colson speaking) and his words were "Where is the hope?" which echoed over and over behind his next words.  I don't know how many times they echoed on the CD, I only knew they were there to get my attention.  They were my words.  They were here just for me!

Colson went on to say something like, "We will not find hope in our government or in the circumstances around us. Hope is found in the power of God working in the hearts of people".  People like me, hearts like mine. 

Chapman came on to sing,

  "Where is the hope? Where is the peace? that can make this life complete. For every man, woman, boy and girl looking for heaven in the real world."

Isn't that the truth?  Isn't that what we are all wanting?  Heaven in our real world. In the middle of our ordinary, or the pain, or the tears?  What do we hear God saying as He breaks into our grief?  What is he saying today?

Rest

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my HOPE comes from Him! Psalm 62:5

REST

Sometimes it's stopping,

Somtimes it's sleeping,

Sometimes it's sitting, standing, or walking,

Sometimes it's sleeping,

Sometimes it's listening, thinking, observing, reflecting,

Sometimes it's is planning, and preparing,

Sometimes it's sleeping,

Sometimes it's singing, weeping, talking,

Sometimes it's sinking, other times it's soaring,

Sometimes it's calming, and relaxing,

Sometimes it's letting go, or taking in, or giving in,

Sometimes it's experiencing refreshment,

Sometimes it's just finding center,

Sometimes it's seeing the next step,

It's almost always the first step to the next step.

REST

Is of God

Is from God

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my HOPE comes from Him! Psalm 62:5

August 24, 2011 I prayed for you today!

I came back to the woods today. Everything is different than last week.

Last week I felt frantic- this week I'm calm, joyful. Last week I walked purposefully. I was only focused on getting to the HOPE cabin spot. I had to get there- to be where I feel HOPE growing.

This week I walk slowly, quietly, breathing it all in. I notice things. This week I hear the sounds of the woods. Yes, there are sounds of traffic on the highway, but it's distant. The children are laughing and squealing on the playground nearby. But nothing interupts the sounds of the crocuses, the birds, a leaf falling to the ground- yes, I hear them. I see the different shades of green and brown in the forest as the light shines in from above and its rays reflect off the leaves before they begin to change the colors of fall.

It's a good time to be in the woods. The cool morning makes it a great day for my jeans and long-sleeved denim shirt. It rained last night, so the ground is damp and I'm sure farther up the trail I'll have to dodge the patches of mud. But the path to the JOURNEY cabin was paved with wood chips. The smell was earthy. The air refreshing as I entered the woods from the clearing.

I have a full day planned- you see this is my PRAYER DAY! I'm hear to get with God about my life/ business. I have a lot planned. But here I sit. Listening! As I do my heart settles down, my soul finds center and I realize that this is exactly what today is about. Not planning, not me telling God, but me listening to God!

And as I did I was reminded of many of you- I was reminded to pray.

So on this favorite spot deep in the woods,
I prayed for your dreams and your plans, for your hurts and your losses,
I prayed for your relationships with family and friends, for your influence in your world.
I prayed that God would give you courage to face your fears and that you would toss aside the mask you hide behind when you feel insecure.
I prayed that you would find time to rest in your private sanctuary with your heavenly father.
I prayed that there you would see that He sees into you and you see into Him- you know what that's called

In to Me See- intimacy!

While you are there- face to face, eye to eye with your Creator, your Redeemer, I prayed that you would worship from a grateful heart!

I did!

I've only been here a couple of hours- and it's already been a great day!

I Spent the Day in the Woods August 16, 2011

...the DEEP WOODS that is! It seemed the logical place to be today. I needed this day to be set apart. I needed to be set apart. I needed this day to be quiet, peaceful, restful. I needed a day to just BE and remember! So I came to a 'safe place'. A place of quiet beauty and rest.

All the way here the tears were spilling over, insisting on being released. I could do nothing to stop them. But they were unusual tears. They weren't just tears of grief- though I am grieving the absence of our third daughter for 5 years now. The one who insisted life take notice and listen to her. Even today I feel an urgency to remember her. She's walked with me on my HOPE walk through the woods. It felt like she poked me with a leaf that fell on my hands while I was taking a picture of the future site of the HOPE CABIN. I feel such hope thinking that one day soon this cabin will be built and I and others will be able to go there for rest & quiet from their hectic, sometimes pain-filled lives. Today I spent in the JOURNEY cabin and it has been a sweet place today to remember that I am not in the 'dark place' I crawled into 5 years ago.

Our family spent Sunday together- just sharing a meal together, sitting together sharing stories and laughter and sometimes tears. We even had a 'car problem' to deal with - seems like there always is one. A random homeless angry man chose to punch the windshield out of a random car on Brie's campus that just happened to be my car- since she was driving mine while hers had been in the shop for repairs. So we brought hers down and took mine back. Once again reminded that it's just a thing. Brie was not in it- she was not hurt- and somewhere in a Columbus jail sits a man that I pray for today. Maybe you can pray for him too! I wonder what kind of dark place he finds himself in.

This morning after my walk, the Lord led me to Psalm 57. It's amazing what the Psalmist teaches us in that Psalm about what to do when you are in a dark place. David was in a dark place just then- a cave at En Gedi where he was hiding from King Saul, in fear for his life. But even here, David shares how he dealt with his dark place. Let me share with you what I learned.

He started out by crying out to God.
"Have mercy on me, O God. Have mercy in me. For in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wing until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.."

Then he remembers "God sends his love and his faithfulness." It just struck me how it was included as if Leisha were writing me a letter and closing by saying- by the way, Mom, God sends his love…! I needed to remember God is intimately acquainted with my day, my tears, my emotions.

Then in verse 4 he begins to speak of his fears.

I said earlier my tears were unusual - they weren't just tears of grief- they are also tears of gratitude. You see over the last 5 years, I've begun to face some of my greatest fears. I found them to be areas where I was frantically seeking to gain control, yet feeling empty in my seemingly futile attempt. As the Lord made me aware of yet another, I would bring it to Him and ask for His truth to speak into it. Each time He spoke, I sensed another area of my life free up- another place in my heart give in to his grace. And I found peace! Sweet, rest filled, green-hope inspired, peace.

I am grateful! Five years ago, I couldn't imagine ever feeling life- or hope- again. Yet I feel both as I spend this day in the woods.

PS 1. I've been writing a lot lately, but haven't taken the time to post here. So I will date each one with the day they were written.
PS 2. If you want to know more about the DEEP WOODS/ Leisha's Hope Project- go to August 12 to read more.

Leisha's HOPE!

It is so hard to believe that it is once again August, and even more difficult to realize that it has already been 5 years since we gathered together to celebrate the life of Leisha. Yet, here we are- nearing August 16th , recalling who she was in life and how her life and death continues to influence us daily.

The journey of letting go and moving forward is lifelong, and in many ways, lonely. Each of us has our own road to walk as we process loss. Yet, if we allow ourselves to address the depth of emotion and ache, it becomes deeply spiritual. As we look back, we realize that at those moments of greatest darkness, we see that even there we were not completely alone. Our God- holy, pure, majestic God was there with us in the muck and mire of our grief. In those moments, we see HOPE!

Life-giving Hope!

One of Leisha’s favorite words was HOPE! Her favorite color was green. One morning she came bounding into the kitchen announcing “My favorite color means my favorite word. Green means HOPE!” We have been very aware of Green HOPE moments in our journey since she ran into His arms that August day.

But noticing Green is not always easy. It takes a great deal of time and energy to see HOPE. It takes soul searching and sometimes even God yelling to come to a place of healing. We have to find a safe place before we can have those times of honesty before God.

Sometimes that place is not at home.
Sometimes that place is in the car pounding on the steering wheel.
Sometimes that place is at work, weeping against the frame of a car.
Sometimes that place is at school, with head buried in a pillow to muffle the cry, or tears staining the pages of a text book.

Sometimes it is in the woods, walking among the tall, wooded hallways of nature’s cathedral; kneeling at the fallen log in prayer; sinking into the leaf strewn path in sobs; arriving broken, angry, frightened, alone, only to rise again, restored, at peace, free, different. The circumstances have not changed- but somehow, we have.

We know of such a place. We’ve been there! Emotionally, spiritually- but also physically! There is a physical place that has been a safe place for us and for many others. A place of HOPE! That is why we are writing today.

One of our safe places is called DEEP WOODS. It is a sacred space set apart for all who are seeking time alone with God. DEEP WOODS is located in the 25 acres of woods behind Crossroads Church, where Leisha’s Celebration of Life was held. It is open to all who are looking for a place of beauty and solace.

There are foot paths and prayer stations, along with a clearing and a fire pit. There are places to sit and watch the wildlife, or kneeling stations to pray and reflect. One small cabin has already been built for individual or couple retreats. That cabin is called the JOURNEY cabin. Three more cabins (FAITH, HOPE and LOVE) and a Chapel are planned as part of the DEEP WOODS space.

Why do we tell you of this place?
Because it is our hearts desire to offer that safe place of HOPE to many others who find themselves in desperate places! You have been part of loving Leisha and loving us in our journey toward healing. We wanted to give you an opportunity to join us as we seek to provide another avenue of HOPE for others.

That is why we long to be part of funding, constructing and furnishing the HOPE Cabin in DEEP WOODS as part of Leisha’s HOPE.

The cost of constructing the HOPE Cabin, which is 12’ x 16’, will run about $8,000. Projected costs for furnishing that space with a small desk & chair, a rocker and lamp table, as well as, a small bed is $700.

As funds are available, a chapel with restroom facilities and electricity will be added to the DEEP WOODS space, but currently we use lanterns and a very well cared for outhouse when the church facilities are closed. More information of DEEP WOODS is available. Feel free to email or call if you have questions or for a brochure.

Donations can be made directly to Crossroads Church, 775 S Thayer Road, Lima, Ohio 45806 earmarked as DEEP WOODS/ Leisha’s HOPE.

We realize that, even though you love us and Leisha, this may not be the thing God asks you to be part of right now. We understand. We have to make lots of choices every day too. But we also know that you might want to be part of Leisha’s HOPE. So we make this known to you! No matter what you can give, we do covet your prayers as we see this to completion.

We have and continue to find HOPE in our own journey. We long to be part of helping you and others find HOPE in your own. Join us won’t you!

Seeing Green HOPE in a brown world!

Rennie, Kathy, Caitlin, Brielle

Issues with Dishes on Monday!

It doesn't matter what my week looks like, come Monday morning I have a pile of dishes in the sink, near the sink, around the sink area that need to be washed. And Monday morning seems to be the time I end up doing them - ALL of them.

You see, my dishwasher isn't working- well, actually it's a water softner that isn't working, so the dishwasher doesn't work well enough even it if is working. So, I wash dishes on Monday morning, may even do them Monday evening, then the rest of the week, I find myself rinsing and setting them off to the side for later. ... later doesn't usually come till Monday morning. I have good intentions, and last week- well, we were gone more than we were here.

So why should I confess such a 'failure' in my life to all of you who wash your dishes after each meal and always have a spotless home, let alone kitchen? (at least it is every time I drop in on you.)

Well, this morning as I wash yet another sink full, I've been pondering how this resembles things that we deal with in our lives. Issues that come up rarely start with one big blow. It is most often one little dish, added to a bowl & spoon from breakfast, with a couple of coffee cups, with a few more dishes, silverware & glasses from the next meal, and a knife from buttering a piece of toast....you get the idea. Pretty soon the sink is full and so is the complexity of the issue we are dealing with. And then you add to it a dishwasher not working, no wait- it's even deeper than that- it's the water softener.... again, the issue is compounded with intensity.

So what am I going to do about it?

1. Well, I'm going to 'do the next thing" in front of me right now- another stack of dishes.
2. My 'always thinking of how to do things better' daughter is going to pick up a dish drainer at Walmart today- so instead of just rinsing, each of us can just quickly wash and let drain. Then just put away.
3. And I'm going to check into a water softener, or alternative method to get this source of my issue dealt with as soon as possible.
4. I might have to start putting away a bit of money so that I can pay for it without having to put it on a credit card.... which would lead me to a whole other issue.

So what's your issue today? What are the steps you are going to take to make things different next week? It won't be different unless we take the step today!

Go for it! I am! Happy washing!

Psalm 90:12 "O teach us to live well. Teach us to live wisely and well." (the MSG)