A morning with my friend!

It was hard to wake up this morning!  Just as it was hard to sleep last night!

My thoughts have been rambling- wanting so much to celebrate

But feeling the weight of grief so strongly.

But today, I had a reason to not dally- my friend was coming to visit

We hadn't had a chance to catch up since she went back to her home far away  last fall.

So much to hear about.

She's come from a very dark place - to a place of hope, of healing

In her own mind,

In her marriage

In her parenting

In her relationship with her parents

In her ability to have friendships, dear friendships

In her relationship with God

In her relationship to her church

Wow!  Such a transformation!

Her words to me were, "Thanks for not freaking out that I wanted to leave my husband and run away from my kids.  I just couldn't see anyway out then.  I didn't know how dark it had gotten."

I marveled.

I didn't freak out, because I remembered a time just like that in my own journey.  A time I wanted to run away, or more specifically end it- the rat race, the relationship- maybe even life itself.  It happens to all of us eventually.  Life is just hard sometimes- and then you combine it with emotional ups and downs, and unfulfilled expectations and unrealistic expectations and add hormones to that...it can be really hard and really dark.

I didn't freak out because I know what it is like to have just given birth to a third beautiful daughter, but feeling undone by it all.

So much joy- so much fear

What if I mess up?

What if I can't love them enough?

What if I don't teach them the right stuff or discipline them when I should?

What if I get angry and discipline them wrong?

What if…

What if?

I didn't freak out because I knew if you hung in there,

If you just did the next right thing- no matter how small that step might be

No matter how many times you need to ask for help

No matter how many people you need to lean on

Ever so slowly you begin to find the next 'light' place to be.

The shade may ever so slight- but that little bit of light gives hope…

For the next step

For the next decision

For the next healing place.

I didn't freak out because I had been there- done that!

I could have grace with her pain because I could connect hers with my own.

Most people's stories relate somehow with the stories of others.  

Oh it might be a different scenario,

Or a different season of life

Or not the same at all.

But we've all known fear

And anger

And disappointment

And grief

We don't have to know it the same way, to know it hurts.

Our pain may not be as bad- or it may be worse.

It doesn't matter.

We can know how someone else might be feeling just by connecting with our own story- and remembering what it felt like

To be betrayed

Or let down

Or rejected.

Or to fail at something really important to us.

Who is in your life that needs grace right now?

What part of your story do you need to recall to give it to them?

I wouldn't have missed this morning with my friend.

How sweet to hear her story of the amazing ways that she has found hope.

How powerful to hear of significant ways God is using her story to speak hope to others now too.

My friend, today- you were my joy gift!

Thank you!

A Plethora of Emotion.....

This is an amazing time of my life!

Fortunately I have had some time to just 'reflect' lately. To process -to just sit in some of these emotions has helped to bring clarity to some of the stuff whirling around in my head and heart these past days.

I'm very aware that 'sitting in' these emotions is not an easy thing to do. It feels like it would be so much easier to just move forward from here instead of taking all the energy to identify what emotions I am feeling. Let alone figuring out what impact they are having on me and on my decisions for the future.  But moving forward is actually nigh to impossible if the circumstances or emotions keep digging in deep to the now- or even deeper to the past.  So... I sit!


Have you ever looked up the word 'plethora'?
It means overabundance, or excess.
One definition was overfullness!

That one seems to most describe this time-- overfullness!

First and foremost,
Our daughter, Brielle, got engaged last October and is getting married this October.  So we have already had a lot of wedding plans being made.
Then our daughter, Caitlin, got engaged in this past March and is getting married this July!
Yes, before her sister!
Yes, it's a deal!

But we are thrilled for both of the girls and so grateful for both of the young men that God has brought into their lives to do this marriage journey.  We look forward to getting to know them all better as young adults now.  They have been such a gift to us in so many ways.

The girls have been living on their own most of the year after having graduated from their respective programs.  But there is some finality of them getting married. To have them both getting married in the same year, well, we feel emotions we hadn't anticipated.  We are thrilled for both of them- but it means that a season of life is done.  Empty nest is official and we are feeling it more than we dreamed.

I suppose it is coupled with hearing them speak of their dreams and plans for their futures.  It has reminded us of ours - so long ago!  We are not where we thought we would be at this juncture in our lives.  Oh, in some ways we are- but we didn't get there like we envisioned and we're not sure we are content to stay here.  But what does that mean?  Not sure yet!

In addition to planning weddings, last October I stepped back into a role on the support staff of our church.  I had worked there for 3 years shortly after Leisha died.  Then stepped out for 2 years to finish my schooling and establish my coaching a bit.  But the Lord continued to develop in me a longing to be back on the team.  Quite unexpectedly, our pastor asked if I would have any interest in taking my old job back.  I was ready to say yes almost immediately.

However, just recently, Barbara, one of the staff members that I have loved getting to know, handed in her 'retirement papers".  She has been on staff 16 years and will be missed so very much in that role.  She's not leaving the church- just stepping out of the position.  I cherish her friendship more than that of working with her- but I have learned so very much from her. Probably most significantly, to SEE- outside my box, bigger than ever, more simply than usual.  She has pointed me to God over and over again.
So her transition has stirred up lots of things:
a feeling of loss, though it is more just change,
 memories of a time when we did the leaving.
It's not the same- but it prompted a reliving of so many of the same emotions.

Combine wedding planner & home renovations, with the part time job & letting go of co-worker and I become one 'overbusy' lady.  I have had to take a step back with my Green Hope Coaching-- temporarily.I am still an instructor at the school I received my certification. I am still coaching with private individuals or groups, but I am not planning groups or events for the time being.

Overfull!
That describes this time!
It's not bad-
just FULL!

Full of transition & change
Full of emotions- joy, sadness, fear, anger, dreams, purpose, generosity, selfishness, faith, hope, love.
Full of pondering- and no time to ponder- though my heart tells me I need to ponder more
Full of opening my hands to what God is doing
Full of realizing that I closed them again around something that seemed so important
only to realize that they are closed around the wrong thing - and learning to open them again.
Full of setting goals- but never really intending to finish them
Full of seeing goals come to fulfillment
Full of uncertainty, yet curiosity about the future.
Full of great joy- but there is heartache too!
Full of kairos- those 'God breaking into my world' moments
Full of the awareness that God is here- revealing Jesus- and transforming me!

Oh Lord!  May I always be!
Open
Ready
Over FULL!

God is Here, Darlene Zschech

Day 6 of the 11 Day Worship Challenge

Ok- so I know I haven't written for 3 days- but this time, it does not mean that I haven't been in worship.  It does mean that my time in worship has been 'transformational', let's say! And that sometimes takes a while to process. I'll share about that part soon.

Today my worship was 'urgent'. This morn, Ren's mom was taken to the hospital for chest pains- we were told she would be life-flighted to an Amarillo hospital.  That's really all we knew for a while. Our imaginations were left to do what they tend to do.  I fell to my knees by my sofa and cried out to our God,
       the Great Physician, who alone knew what was really going on in her body.
       the Healer, who had the power to heal in an of Himself,
               but also to guide those caring for her to see and diagnose and provide healing options for her.
       the Provider, who knows not only what she needs, but also what Daddy Ray needs right now as he
               watches this one he loves struggle.
       the Comforter- who cares deeply for those emotional needs and comforts them in this journey.
       the Strength- for Barb,  & Ray, but also for Ren's brother, Devin and his wife Becki, who live close and
                are the ones who carry much of the concerns like this up close.  And also for Ren, who feels as if the miles have quadrupled between him and his parents in just a few minutes. And for the two grandsons and the two granddaughters who love this Grandy dearly.

I wish I could say that as I knelt there in worship the knot in my stomach went away.  It didn't!  I know FULL WELL that my prayers are not always answered as I would wish. But I also know FULL WELL that He is the Only One who knows all, sees all, heals all- and that's where I place my dear second mother!  This woman who drew me right in long before I was dating her son.  This woman who taught me in high school, and then in marriage and in life.   I trust her to HIM! The Great I AM!

Who are you concerned about today?  What do you learn of God in your worship that helps you to lift that person to Him?  I challenge you to kneel before Him today!

(note: due to storms, Barb was driven by ambulance (2 1/2 hour drive) to Amarillo.  Still no word on what is the cause.)