Letters to Velma

Velma Kroeker Goertzen
and her daughter Beth

(You may want to read the last blog from July 17 first- in order for this to make more sense.  The evening after my last blog, I read a letter from my mom.  It contained an article about a woman she had grown up with who had also lost a daughter.  I didn't think this was my issue.  But as I read- I knew that God had prompted Mom and those who sent it to her for me to get it right now. It was indeed, part of my answer.  I wrote to thank Velma for her story.  I include our letters here as part of what God is doing to help me heal.) 

Regarding: Forgiving again and again! (http://www.usmb.org/forgiving-again-and-again)

Dear Velma

I wanted to write to you regarding an article about you that was sent to me by my mom, Lovella Thiessen, who also married a Thiessen 
who got it from my aunt, Rosalie Thiessen Flickinger
who got if from her sister in law, Jan Flickinger.

Now you know all my connections.

I just wanted you to know that the Lord used your article in a huge way in my life. My daughter, Leisha, died six years ago, August 16, 2006. She was 15 then- would be 21 now. She was walking on our country road. A friend she was meeting drove up across the intersection from her and honked. She looked up and ran. Right into the path of a car. She was killed instantly.

As I read your article, I could identify with so many things, like 'the fog' that you live in after a loss, and 'redefining my faith'. I read of your incredible journey to forgiveness and didn't feel like I needed to do that. I'm a life coach and have worked through a lot of issues in my life, even as I help others do that. I'm generally a very hope-filled person. I thought I had worked through so much of my grief and have been finding ways to share LEISHA'S HOPE with others. 

But this summer, I realized that I am really angry. This week I wrote out a list of nearly 100 things I'm angry about. I was appalled that I was identifying things that I really thought I had worked through. As I read your article, I realized that the Lord was helping me to see this- so that I could forgive. 

As I began to write down the 'truth' that God was showing me about each angry issue, I realized that ultimately, I'm angry at me! My daughter had asked me to take her to coffee that afternoon and I put her off. We had been gone a lot a that day- and I "had to get some things done." So she went for a walk.

She called me about a mile down the road and said her friend Abby was coming to get her- they were going for coffee. Could I bring her wallet down so they didn't have to come back home? I did! And we had 10 glorious minutes! I knew they were even before she died. 

But if I had taken her when she first asked she wouldn't have been there or if I hadn't talked to her- she would have been past the intersection.

I have processed this so many times. I know that these things happen. I know God is fully in control- which is another matter I have had to forgive. But I hadn't realized how guilty I feel that she's gone. I've been blaming lot's of other things and people for my anger this summer. But I'm really angry that I 'wasn't listening' to that prompting in the spirit to grab her up and take her to coffee. Even as I write this, I know that I am identifying a core ache in my heart that needs to be healed.

In those 10 minutes with Leisha, I had teased her that she was so anxious to get her driver's license because she wanted power. She thought for a moment and then said, "You know Mom, I don't want power. I want to influence. I want to say to people, "I'm going, Come with me!" And I stroked her nose and said, "You were made to influence" But 10 minutes later she was gone.

I know that her words were meant to remind me that I want to influence others- and I can't do that if I'm stuck. I can't say, "I'm going, Come with me!" So...I'm taking a next step. I'm forgiving me! 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. For reminding me that healing will be life-long. For continuing to influence your world with your daughter's life- not just her death.

I'm better because of you!
Thanks
Kathy Thiessen Burrus
Columbus Grove, OHIO

*******

Dear Kathy,
My how time brings friends and their families together over time. Your mother, Rosalie and I played together as little girls. They lived across the road from us until they moved to the big white house north of Medora. Then enjoyed Central KS Bible Academy riding the bus together. Such good times.

But so sorry that our stories connect on a whole different level. I prayed that when our story would be published that someone would be able to relate and be helped by my struggle with grief and forgiveness. I had a specific person that I was angry with and had to forgive. It will be a life time of forgiving and forgiving again because even tho its been over 26 years when I think about April 18th the feelings and emotions roll over me again. We will always remember because we loved our daughters but the sharp pain of grief does soften over time with a lot of healing. 

I remember feeling guilty for introducing Beth to the Dr that she saw that night. She had been dealing with food allergies and sensitivities for a long time and he really helped her identify the foods to stay away from but in my grieving mind it became an "if only". If only I hadn't taken her to see that Dr the first time she would still be alive. It took me awhile to realize that God was saying that those choices we made were made with the best intentions at the time and that she did have at least a year where she was feeling so much better. Was it an unrealistic guilt? Yes! But I can truly understand your struggle because you talked to your daughter minutes before she ran into the road! Oh, That must be such a difficult thing to deal with. I can only imagine!

Thank you so much for finding healing in my story and lets keep in touch.

In Him
Velma Kroeker Goertzen

*****

Dear Velma,

My head knows what you are saying. My heart just needs to release the anger that continues to impact my decisions and steps. 

But I am grateful to know that whether it's 26 years or 6 years, we won't forget those precious daughters. We are hosting what we call "Leisha's HOPE" event on the 28th. We're raising money to build a spiritual retreat cabin in the DEEP WOODS project behind our church. There is 25 acres of woods that they are developing with small hermitage cabins, paths, prayer stations, etc. Anyway, we have chosen to build the HOPE cabin. So we are having a prayer walk through the woods, with a garbage pail dinner for those who come. 

My older two daughter's both graduated this year- one with her Master's degree from Wheaton College in Biblical Archeology, the other from Columbus College of Art & Design in Fine Art. We've celebrated them- now it seems like this is Leisha's celebration.

It celebrates life! I do have a blog that tells more of my story. It is www.brickhousenews.blogspot.com 

Thanks for sharing your heart!
Kathy

*******

Kathy

Be kind to yourself and let your heart work through the hurt and anger. Just because your head knows does not mean your heart can work through the hurt quickly. 

I will check out your blog! So good that you can celebrate your daughter's life in a real way that will share HOPE with others.
Velma

I'm SO Angry!

Have you ever had one of those times when the strength of your emotion was so great that it overwhelmed you and sent tears rolling down your cheeks and goosebumps up your arms?  You know those times:

• when you are holding your new little one in your arms and look deep into their eyes and it's as if they can see deep into yours.  
• Or when you are wrapped in your lover's arms and he looks at you with sweet tenderness and says "I'd marry you all over again!"  And you know he would- and you would too!
• Or your adult kid comes home and says 'thank you for everything' and you know they mean it with all of their heart!  

Well, I've had one of those weeks!  But it wasn't any of those things!  In fact, it was a week of intense angry emotions.  You must know that weeks like these are rare for me.  Oh, I get emotional- intensely emotional about a lot of things, but I'm not typically an angry person.  It takes a lot for me to get angry and even more for me to discuss that anger with someone else.  So the fact that I'm writing about it here- it was a big deal!

It wasn't that things were going bad- in fact, things were going well.  

Business is good! They guys that are working with Ren have been such a help and I've enjoyed getting in on the action a couple of mornings a week this summer.  It's amazing to see all they do in a day! 

Brie & Jason came home for the weekend and we really enjoyed having some relaxed time with Brie- just being together.

I was on the worship team the last two weekends.  There's not much I love more than being with a group of people that are worshiping as they lead others in worship.  It is life-giving!

Ren spoke two weekends at Crossroads (July 8 & 15- you can listen to the podcasts at www.limacrossroads.org under the Media tab) It was great to see him preach again- not just hear him.  Because I SAW him being confident of his message.  I SAW him engaging more relationally with the people than ever before.  I SAW his eyes filled with energy and sparkle.  He loved it again!  It's been a long time coming. 

But when the weekend was over- I felt so angry.  I went for a walk that evening after the kids left and I could tell that with each step was a STOMP!  I was STOMPING down the lane with great agitation. Why am I mad?  Why do I feel this way?  Things are going well, aren't they?

...aren't they?

At first, I blamed Rennie for my anger.  I'm mad because I'm afraid he's not listening close enough to the Lord and what if God calls him to preach again and he misses it- what if we're stuck in this limbo forever.  Now don't get me wrong.  I really am ok with Ren fixin' cars for the rest of his life.  I know that God is using him and that business in a ministry we never had to church people.  But I also know that part of God's design on him was opening the Word and helping people SEE it-clearly.  Where does God want to use that part?

Then I blamed my health coach.  I have reasons to be angry.  No, it's not about trust and control, well, ok, maybe a little. Well, maybe a lot- but I have reasons.  

Then I made a list of ALL the things I could think of that I was angry about- and yes, lack of world peace made the list.  That means that I had a really long list. I was appalled at all the things that made the list. Remember I said earlier, I'm not typically an angry person.  Or am I?

I knew I wasn't done with the list but the relief I felt from just 'getting it out there' was so huge, I felt it physically.  Being angry takes a lot of energy.  But when I woke the next morning, I was already thinking in my mind that there were some 'truths' related to each anger that I needed to speak too. 

For instance, the anger that the house wasn't finished and the yard was a mess, etc... I could write...

We are beginning to feel the effect of  'improvement'

• On our house- continuing to unclutter and decorate
• On our yard- 'the same'
• On my health- down 20 lbs- feeling stronger after some big weekends
• On our marriage- unlayering some of the issues
• On our relationship with the girls- empty nest ain't so bad
• On our finances- both in business and at home

Accountability is the KEY to anything that is making improvements.  

But when I started sorting out all the things I saw, you know what I learned?  I am mad at me!

I was blaming Rennie for not 'listening' to the Spirit's prompting in his life for fear we would miss something important.  (That happened in June- but that's another story)

But what I was really mad about was that the day Leisha died, she had asked me to take her out for coffee.  My immediate thought was 'Why not?".  But my practical side one out and I said, 'We've been gone most of the day.  I need to do a couple of things first.  How about we leave early for youth group and I'll take you out for supper?"  

So she went for a walk.  

By the time we could have been sipping our favorite brew- not that either of us drank much coffee, she was in the presence of the Lord.  

I was mad because I 'heard' the voice say "Why not?" and I knew inside that it was a good things to do.  But I compromised and put it off for a while.  I was listening but I missed it.  If I had listened and obeyed immediately- would she still be here? 

Now I don't need you to send me an email with any of the platitudes we say to people when they need to remember that God is in control.  And if it was Leisha's time to die... !  Or  whatever!  That's not what this is about!

But I knew that this was the root of my anger!  

Now what do I do with it?  

(Stay tuned for the next blog! )

Leisha's HOPE is building HOPE!

It's hard to believe, but almost a year ago, I wrote about our first Leisha's HOPE project.  (August 12, 2011)  

It is our heart's desire to partner with Crossroads Church to build the HOPE cabin in the DEEP WOODS spiritual retreat center that is being developed in the 25 acre woods behind the church.

During this year, we rejoice that about 1/3 of the funds needed has come in.  So this month we are going to work to complete the fundraising and get the project underway.  Our goal is to to have the total funds raised by August 16th, 2012.  We are really excited about the possibilities!

For that reason, I'm including an invitation to a special event designed to continue the influence of Leisha's Hope!  You are more than welcome to come.  But please let me know you are coming so I make sure we have enough food to feed you.
________________________________

On August 16^th, 2006 Leisha Burrus told her mom that she wanted to influence others. 
“I want to say to them, ‘I’m going, come with me!”  Fifteen minutes later, she died! 
But her influence lives on in the form of Leisha’s HOPE! 

Green Hope Coaching & All Things New, along with the Burrus family are partnering with Crossroads Church to build the HOPE Cabin in the DEEP WOODS spiritual retreat center as part of LEISHA’S HOPE. 
To help raise the necessary funds for this project, we are hosting the first ever…

LEISHA’S HOPE Walk, 
Saturday, July 28 from 4-8pm

·         You get an opportunity to freely explore paths, prayer stations and cabins- wear walking shoes.

·         You have an opportunity to hear a presentation on the purpose and ministry
of this special place 10 minutes after every hour from 4:00-7:00pm.

·         You have the opportunity to donate to this special project. 

Plus, we will serve our (somewhat) famous 
Garbage Pail Dinner beginning at 5:00pm.
Please bring a lawn chair to be more comfortable.

Come take part in the afternoon for a little or a long while.
To Register or For more information- 

go to www.greenhopecoaching.net/leishas-hope. 

·         Goal –total funds raised by August 16, 2012, the 6^th anniversary of Leisha’s death.

$700 for furnishings, $8,000 for cabin to be built this fall

·         Potentially raise funds toward obtaining electricity to DEEP WOODS ($10,000)

·         Recruit additional assistance with construction of the cabin as well.

Thank you in advance for helping LEISHA’S HOPE build HOPE!
Questions or Comments: call Kathy at 419-306-8311 or email Kathy@greenhopecoaching.com

Life Happens!

Life happens!
And when it does it takes you back to those moments when life has happened before and has left you feeling this pain, this deep ache that makes you wish, with everything in you, that you could turn back the clock and change the outcome of a few moments, or a lost chance.  Somehow all the 'positive thinking' or 'make lemonade' efforts can't take away it's sting!  It just hurts!

Sometimes you think- this should not hurt so much!  It seems silly that your heart feels so heavy with grief.  You know what it is like to really hurt!  This is not one of those times when life is forever changed.  No one has died.  No body has been arrested.  Nothing has been damaged.

It was just a dream, a hope for a brief retreat from 'normal' (whatever that is).  It was rubbing shoulders with 'strangers' really.  It was being alone, but being together.  It was walking on sandy beach, instead of green lawn.  All of which, except the beach, can be done right here!

But a missed plane,
means a missed journey,
means a missed meeting
and missed conversation
means- a missed opportunity!  You just never know what!

Life does happen! I do know one thing!  I don't like it! Often I don't know how to react to it, or recover from it.

I know there are so many things in life we can't control!  But I want to be more 'in control' of the things I can.    I want to choose more of what 'happens' in my life. I want to live life on purpose when I can!  I want to  accomplish the things I choose to do and see success.

But then you have to come to terms with how you define success.  It can get pretty messy all over again.

Well Lord! Help me know to DO what are the important things to do!  Help me know when to 'let go' of the things that are beyond my control.

In the mean time, I now have 3 days I wasn't planning on!
How do you want me to use them?

Turning East? Again?

The irony of the moment was not lost on me!  Here he was, divulging to me how I had become an object lesson for his study in the Psalms.  Revealing that an intentional choice I had made nearly 6 years earlier had now help him understand what it looked like to deal with grief and it's devastation head on.  A decision that would force me to 'turn east' and face my darkness, to embrace the pain and emotion that promised to be there.

Yet even now, I was desperately- almost frantically trying to run from the pain of another heart break.  I wanted to not feel the ache so deeply.  Once again, I had no control of the moment, only my response to it.  It was not the loss of my child, but it was the loss of a dream for my child.   Why could I in one instance consciously choose to 'turn' and face the pain- yet in this moment, flail miserably trying to avoid it? 

The decision 6 years earlier,  I had shared with only a few.  For me it held great depth of emotion and angst, and yet peace.  Would I be willing to submit myself to that level of intentionality again?

Just a couple of weeks after our daughter, Leisha, had died, a pastor friend sent us a book that I already had on my shelves.  I had heard Jerry Sittser, the author, speak years earlier, which was just 3 years after he had experienced the loss of his wife, his mother and his 4 year old daughter in a single accident.   I had purchased his book then, called  A Grace Disguised,  because I knew that if this man could speak with such hope after experiencing such pain, many others would want to hear his story too. I had passed it to others in their times of loss, but had never read it in its entirety myself.   I immediately knew that this was my time to do just that.

On one of the days when the darkness of my own grief seemed to over take me, I read these words; words that couldn't have described more accurately  my own emotions if I had written them personally.  So I'll let Jerry's words speak for themselves.

"I had a kind of waking dream...of a setting sun. I was frantically running west, trying desperately to catch it and remain in its fiery warmth and light. But I was losing the race. The sun was beating me to the horizon and was soon gone.  I suddenly found myself in the twilight.  Exhausted, I stopped running and glanced with foreboding over my shoulder to the east.  I saw a vast darkness closing in on me. I was terrified by that darkness.  I wanted to keep running after the sun, though I knew that it was futile, for it had already proven itself faster than I was. So I lost all hope, collapse to the ground, and fell into despair. I thought in that moment that I would live in darkness forever.  I felt absolute terror in my soul."

That was what it looked like for me at that moment!  He got it!  He described the chase in exact detail.  I too was urgently trying to make the day last, because the night did indeed bring absolute terror! 

Jerry went on to share, "A few days later I talked about the dream with a cousin…. He mentioned a poem of John Donne that turns on the point that, though east and west seem farthest removed on a map, they eventually meet on a globe.  What therefore appears as opposites- east and west- in time, come together, if we follow one or the other long enough and far enough.  Later my sister, Diane, told me that the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is to not run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise. 

I remember slamming the book shut and throwing it on my bedside table as if it had just stung me suddenly.  I COULD NOT DO what he suggested.  I WOULD NOT DO  it!  To turn to the east meant to turn toward the scene of my daughter's accident.  It was all I could do to know her absence- to embrace it and all that might come with it seemed insurmountable.   

Yet I returned to the book several days later, he continued,  

I discovered in that moment that I had the power to choose the direction my life would head, even if the only choice open to me, at least initially, was either to run from the loss or to face it as best I could.  Since I knew that darkness was inevitable and unavoidable, I decided from that point on to walk into the darkness rather than to try to outrun it, to let my experience of loss take me on a journey wherever it would lead, and allow myself to be transformed by my suffering rather than to think I could somehow avoid it.  I chose to turn toward the pain, however falteringly, and to yield to the loss, though I had no idea at the time what that would mean." 

The more I pondered his words, the more I came to grips with the futility of trying to avoid the pain, I soon came to realize the only way to find hope in this journey was to 'turn east'; to walk through the darkness to the sunrise after.  

It took several more days of pondering what that might look like before I began to realize that for me to truly turn east, I had to take that walk that my daughter had taken that day, down our long lane and the mile and a half east of our house.  I had to stand at the corner where she had darted across the intersection to meet a friend, only to run out in front of a car and be killed instantly.  

I stood there pondering what her response was when she realized the friend she met instead was Jesus.  Had there been a Narnia door that opened for her to pass through; a portal that we could not see, but she witnessed first hand.  A friend had said at the funeral that he could imagine her almost tripping into heaven and falling to her knees and saying, "Ooops! My bad!"   

But as I stood there, I sensed that as she passed into heaven's home, she was instantly aware that she stood before the Son of God and fell to her knees in humble worship.  The week before she died, I had committed to read through the book of Revelation. So that morning after her accident, I had picked up chapter 1 again.  

         When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me
         and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last.  I am the Living One;
         I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of
         death and Hades.

Revelation chapter 4 had given me a description of the throne,

        A rainbow that shown like an emerald encircled the throne.

Of course it would be green. Green was her favorite color.  She had come running in one morning a few weeks before and declared, "My favorite color means my favorite word.  Green means HOPE!"

        Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were
        twenty-four elders. ... In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures,
        and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back.... Day and night they never
        stop saying:

        "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is, and is to come."

Whatever I had believed about heaven before, I had this very real sense at that intersection of roads, the intersection of each and west, that my daughter was there, in the throne room with those elders and living creatures, laying down her crown, kneeling in His presence saying, "Holy, Holy, Holy  is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."

       Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits
       on the throne and who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down
       before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever. 
       They lay their crowns before the throne and say:

       You are worthy, our Lord and God, to recieve glory and honor and power,
       for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.

I was a LIVING creature.  Even though I felt like I was dying, even though I felt such pain, I could choose to join Leisha in this moment also.  I could give him glory, honor, and thanks to him to sits on the throne,  to the LIVING ONE who died and now is alive forever and ever.  I fell to my knees by the side of the road where I had last seen her broken body and wept.  

Over and over I repeated the words

"Holy, holy, holy",

 "who was, who is, who is to come",

"Living One who died"

"Oh God!"

***********

I don't know how long I sat there, it seemed like hours, but was probably only a few moments.  I don't remember ever noticing a car passing or a runner on the road.  We may not have a lot of traffic on these country roads, but it was rare that there was no one that afternoon.   

I remember standing to walk home and feeling completely spent.  I didn't know how I was going to make the trek back.  I had no energy for it.  I began to reason, if I could make it to the driveway, perhaps I could get the Suter's to take me home.  And then felt like I had enough strength to go on to the Diller's driveway.  Once there, I knew that I wanted to go back over the bridge where I had last seen Leisha's vibrant smile and wave. From there, I was sure the Basinger's could take me the rest of the way.  But I don't remember the rest of the walk until I was walking up to front door of my the house. I collapsed in the sofa in my living room- a fragile, emotionally spent, but somehow at peace mother. 

Jerry said, "My decision to enter the darkness had far-reaching consequences, both positive and negative.  It was the first step I took toward growth, but it was also the first step I took toward pain.  I had no idea then how tumultuous my grief would be. I did not know the depths of suffering to which I would descend." 

…"but that is only half of the story. The decision to face the darkness, even if it led to overwhelming pain, showed me that the experience of loss itself does not have to be the defining moment of our lives.  Instead the defining moment can be our response to the loss.  It is not what happens TO us that matters as much as what happens IN us. Darkness, it is true, had invaded my soul.  But then again, so did light.  Both contributed to my personal transformation." 

That was 6 years ago!  God met me then, and has journeyed so intimately with me in the walk since then.  So what will I do today!   

Do I dare 'turn east' again?

Would you?

A Mother's Day weekend Lunch Celebrating the Girls!

It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed a great Mexican Fiesta outdoors at one of Brie's favorite places-  LaFogata's in Columbus.  So fun to have us all together! 

Only one thing more this Mom could have wanted- 

and that reunion will take place at a later date!

 Jack Andrews and Caitlin

Jason Augsburger and Brielle

Rennie and Kathy

Brielle R Burrus, Bachelor's degree, Fine Art, Columbus College of Art & Design

We're so proud of you Brie!  You have been drawing your way through life, learning to read, learning to express your emotions, learning to help others see with greater clarity as well.  Can't wait to see how you will continue to impact the world around you!  Congratulations sweetie!