I Cele-dreaded this day!

This is the day - you know -

the one you CELEBRATE  because it acknowledged a great accomplishment by people you care about.

But also the day you DREAD because it reminded you that something is not right about this day.

I've worked hard to 'prepare' myself for this day

I didn't know how having it all happen just before Mother's Day might affect me!

I've cried- or needed to cry- often

I couldn't figure out why-

Why do I feel so very sad

Why do I feel so full of grief

Why can't I stop thinking about her

Why...does...it...hurt...so...bad…???

This is the day when her close friends are graduating,

I've known that Jameson & Kelsey & Abby were all graduating this May.

I've been excited for them and watched closely as they posted pictures and updates

Of all that is happening and all the plans to come.

This is the day when her sisters, Caitlin & Brielle, are getting engaged,

and hunting for the right dresses

And choosing bridesmaids,  and colors, and flowers

and planning showers, and weddings and receptions

But this also the day I remember- that she isn't here!

The day I ponder in so many ways what could have been, if only…!

This could have been her year to graduate from some college

To have a boyfriend

Maybe even to be getting married too.

I can see it happen.

I celebrate these dear people and the steps they are taking

But I dread the emotion because it reminds me that it will never, ever be 'right'.

No matter how hard I/we all try.

She will always be gone- the bold, boisterous, life of the party, troublemaker that she was

We will always miss her presence with us

I always miss her 

Cele-dread!

But today Tim read 1 Cor 13- 3 times he read it during Shalom

Each time the words I heard were

'if we do not love, we are nothing.'

I loved!

I still love!

Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean I have quit loving her!

It's because I love that this day hurts so very deep.

It's my love that causes my heart to break

On this day

On all of these days of celebration.

As I look as these precious people- men and women that she loved too!

Some that she never got to meet

I rejoice for what God is doing in them- through them- around them

I celebrate the love I feel for them- and they for me

I cherish it!

I could NOT not love them.

That would be far worse to me

To have never have loved at all

It might mean that it would not hurt so much now

But what would make life worth living without that love.

I could fear losing and therefore not love so that I would not get hurt

But truly to 'not have love, means I have nothing'

I have a heart that is full- of emotion, of sadness yes, but also of joy, and gratitude,

For the life I knew

For the sense that I am loved

And that I love still!

That's something!

I celebrate!

Announcing...

...the engagement of our daughter, Caitlin, to Jack Andrews!

Congrats Cait and Jack, we are excited for you as you look ahead to your future together.  We know there is much to learn - about each other, about your direction, about your love for one another.  But we also sense the commitment you have made to each other is strong.  We are proud of you both!    

Leisha's HOPE!

Dream

Joy

Fulfillment

Green

Hope

Thrill

Disappointment

Grief

Anger

Peace

Ache

Sadness

The last few weeks have been a plethora of emotions. I can't begin to name all of them.  Actually the last month has taken on a personality of it own.  One I hadn't planned for this summer- yet I know it's right!  I know it's what I was to do!  What we as a family were to be part of!

Over a month ago - June 25th, I visited the DEEP WOODS and listened!  It was a sweet day!  Probably the best day I've had out there- and I've enjoyed them all.  I heard a lot of things that day!  Some I wrote about!  Most seemed random in some way- but I 'noticed' them. 

As I sat in the FAITH cabin that day, the longing in my heart grew to see the HOPE cabin completed.  But how?  How could I raise enough funds to build it- let alone furnish it.  Every extra dollar we have right now is spoken for- for a long time.  Lord, how could we do this?  As I took one more gander back to the HOPE site, I prayed.  Lord, who would be willing to help us build HOPE in the DEEP WOODS?   I began my walk out of the woods and as I came to the clearing, the thought came to me, "Fix your garbage pail dinner and invite others to join you!"  Immediately I knew that was my answer. 

And now it is history! 

And WE'RE BUILDING HOPE in the DEEP WOODS!!!!

Not just a cabin, but the larger cabin, furnishing it and contributing nearly  1/3 of what is needed towards  the electric project for the woods!   HOORAY!!!!  Just got word today that the cabin has been ordered.  Lord willing, weather permitting, we should be able to get it built in September.  We are so very grateful!

The support toward the LEISHA'S HOPE Project was tremendous!  The notes we received, the stories we heard were all part of the joy of 'continuing to influence our world with hope!"  There is so much joy that comes with that!  Perhaps the greatest joy for Ren and I was doing this event with our girls, Caitlin and Brielle.  Their participation made this event so much more meaningful for us.  And the fact that they brought two awesome & strong young men with them didn't hurt either.  We thoroughly enjoyed them all. 

So...back to the plethora of emotions.  Why so many?  Shouldn't I just be excited that our dream of building the HOPE Cabin is becoming a reality.  Well, yes!  Of course I am!

But I'm also keenly aware that Leisha would have loved this!  She would have loved getting her friends together.  (some of them came to be part of it last weekend) She would have loved planning a party!  She would have loved the woods, and the cabins and the 'sacred space'!  She would have loved people from our past and our present, friends and family,  joining together to make this thing work.  She would have loved reading the notes and telling people about it.  Every where I looked I saw things I know she would have enjoyed being part of. 

I have a very real sense that she knows- however they know after they have gone on to heaven.  She knows what has taken place and rejoices for us all.  But...it's not like having her there.  I watch as the two sisters and their guys interact together on the bales of hay, and I know she would have loved that conversation.  She would have loved teasing the guys, messing with the girls and just being part of the family time. 

But I've really missed her this week.  It wasn't until today that the tears really fell.  My heart has been busy for a while now- planning, preparing, returning things, etc.  Today, I rested!  Today I realized how much I wish she was here and we didn't feel this strong need to build the cabin called HOPE.  But since she's not- I love that the memorial to her life is green, life giving, and influencing others with hope!

'Continuing the influence of HOPE!"

Now that's what I want to be about!

Kathy

A Mother's Day weekend Lunch Celebrating the Girls!

It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed a great Mexican Fiesta outdoors at one of Brie's favorite places-  LaFogata's in Columbus.  So fun to have us all together! 

Only one thing more this Mom could have wanted- 

and that reunion will take place at a later date!

 Jack Andrews and Caitlin

Jason Augsburger and Brielle

Rennie and Kathy

Caitlin R Burrus, Master's Graduate, Wheaton College 2012

We are so proud of you Cait! Who would have ever thought that you would graduate with a master's in Biblical Archaeology of all things! But you always did like the ancient stories and how they connected with people you studied.  Can't wait to see how this will play out in the rest of your life. Congratulations sweet girl!

Letting Go!

It's the year I've been dreading for awhile now!  I didn't know when it would come!  I planned to be excited about it and yet I knew it would be hard.  It's that year both of the girls are no longer in school. The year they both make the decision to set up an apartment and establish their own 'homes'!

But this hasn't been how I envisioned it.  Perhaps I've been too ideal about it all along.  Perhaps I believed they would do it like we did it- though I never really thought they would. They are both their own woman- raised by us- but transformed by their own take on life and on God.  Nothing they have done to this point is as we had done it.  We had our own choices, they are making theirs. 

Maybe it's that it is all happening together- within the same month. 

Maybe it's because I never anticipated  some of their choices.

Maybe it's because I felt like we had worked through the most difficult things in life already.

Maybe it's because I thought that by the time I got to this point in my own life, that I would have 'figured things out'. 

Instead I feel less sure of everything in my life.   I feel passionate and yet have little energy to push through it like I used to.  Some things are worth fighting for - worth dying for if necessary.  Other things I wonder if I hold too tightly.  There are  things that I used to believe were so important- that I see little value in now, if any.  Yet there are things that are important; that are worthy of the time, energy, emotions, heart, soul, mind and strength that it takes to face. 

Having lived life, having walked with many people through their crises- let alone experienced my lifetime of my own- has taught me much.  But knowing when it's the right time to fight and when it's better to wait- that is still a concept I don't know.  And invariably I'm putting on my boxing gloves when I should be kicking off my shoes and sitting for a spell. 

And when you are a parent-watching those most precious to you grow and mature and fly on their own-  those boundaries get even more confusing and often more intense.  When the girls were little, I was overwhelmed with the depth of emotion I felt toward them and the responsibilities of caring for them, raising them, loving them all uniquely.  An older couple shared with us that this was the easy stage.  "When it comes to letting go so they can take wing, that's when it gets really hard."  I understand now.

Don't get me wrong!  I want them to soar and thrive in their lives.  I pray every day for the professions they might choose and the impact they will have.  I pray for the young men in their lives  - for their faithful, loving, supportive role they will play for our girls.  I pray that their journey in knowing God- who He truly is -would be life changing.

But it is hard to quit parenting in the way we did when they were children.  It's a challenge to 'not speak' when everything in you wants to say, 'oh be careful,  you're going to fall, stay away from that- it will hurt you!"

So hear I am Lord!  Parent me once again on how to parent in this new role that we are in.  One of prayer and love, not as teachers or even advisors in many ways, but of support, encouragement, example, listeners. Challengers when we feel we must speak, but even then knowing that it is only that- a challenge.  A way of saying, "have you thought about" instead of "do this"!  Forgive me for not trusting you to do your work in their lives.  Forgive me for not wanting to let them to live and learn and grow as I had to live and learn and grow.  For being afraid of the hurt they might feel, or the baggage they might have to carry with them. 

Because they will also experience your bigness at times when they least expect it or when they need it most,  your forgiveness when they fail and your strength when they feel weak.  They must learn to know you in their own stories- not the one I dreamed up for them.

I gave them to you on the day they were born!  I gave them to you most everyday since.

I give them to you once again!   On the day they officially learn to fly!

Help me let go with grace!

Happy Birthday Cait!

I celebrate you today Sweetheart! Today you turn 24! I know- you feel 'old'- after all it is almost a quarter of a century! And yet you are so young with life & vision and knowlege!

I marvel daily at your joy of learning! Ok so writing a paper is not your favorite thing- and yet it is! You love the digging and reading and putting it all together. Your face lights up when Dad or anyone else wants to genuinely know what you are learning.

I admire so much the relationships in your life- the depth of friendship and comraderie you have with them. The loyalty and love you feel for them! Some of them invited you into the relationship- others you brought close.

I love the fact that you don't know what you'll be when you 'grow up'! I know it's awkward- and even hard at times! But you know from watching your Dad & I that WHAT you do is always changing. But HOW you do anything you do will always be part of you! So keep "BE"ing you! You are amazing!

I'm so grateful you are in our lives! I'm so proud of how you've weathered life as it has been dealt you and taken BOLD next steps. I love how you love! Deeply, "care"fully and authentically!

Happy Birthday dear one!
I love having you for a daughter!
Mom

(aren't you glad I didn't say "I remember when you were born...."?)

To my Girls!

(Brie in Rome) (Cait in Jerusalem)

I'm so grateful for you sweet girls! I'm amazed by you! Your courage and flexibility in the worlds you live in continue to inspire me! I'm so proud of you!

It's awesome to connect with you via skype, facebook or phone and learn what adventures you've been on! And I love reading your blogs- such different places and opportunities- but your responses are so true to you, to your way of thinking and wrestling with concepts and issues. And to see how you process what God is doing in it and in you- is a gift! To you- but also to me!

I pray for you daily- sometimes, each moment. I can't help thinking about you and wondering what you are seeing and doing. But I'm most excited that God is doing a work in you that you will not forget- in a place that is unfamiliar, in a language that is not your own. I pray that you recognize those KAIROS moments daily where God is seeking to break into your world and Heaven is touching earth!

I just want you to know that your courage is part of the reason I have courage for some of my next steps. Once again, I'm learning from you how to LIVE, and be stretched and continue to learn and grow. I love you! We love you! From the middle of the corn field in Ohio to the ends of the earth!
Embrace those 'take your breath away moments! No matter where you are!"
Love, Mom

Empty Nest

This morning I'm very much aware that the nest is empty! The girls are not just away- but far away! Brie landed in Rome as I was sleeping- I haven't heard from her yet. Cait is in Jerusalem, loving all that she is doing, but longing for a safe place to be alone with her thoughts!

I feel so far from them- and yet so aware of their love and gratitude for home. It's such a gift to share this journey with them, even if it is from a distance and via Skype or a long distance call. To Rome- and Jerusalem- with love!

110 Days of Green Extended

Traditionally, as of the last 3 years- our 110 days of Green would end on August 16th- the anniversary of Leisha's homegoing! But this year is different. It feels good that this year it is still going. Since I'm not always sure what we meant by 110 days of green anyway, I'm not sure what makes it keep going - but it is.

I've written that we've been working in Lei's room all summer. It's been such a good project to do together. We felt like this was something we needed to do ourselves, as a family. It's been part of our "moving on", so to speak, in the grief department. Some things were very difficult- like putting on the first coat of primer to cover the walls she painted. Other things were challenging, such as the peg board ceiling we put up- all four of us. Our differences in communication were very obvious then. But we made it. Cait spent her last few days home running the sander on the floor. Brie helped to finish off the edges. Then Cait and I stained and varnished the floor. Soooo not perfect, but it is beautiful. We finished it the weekend of the 16th. We haven't really moved anything in. We've picked out furniture- just saving up the shekels to pay for it now. It has to be the right furniture you understand!

But part of the green that is 'keeping going' has to do with all of us! It's the 'moving on' that we are all doing now that the room is done.

• It's Cait going to Jerusalem University this fall to begin her Master's Degree. She returns mid December. She's there and loving it! I love what she's learning and how real the stories from the Bible are becoming to her as she walks the streets built on streets of long ago. She's written on her blog some of her first impressions. You can check it out at http://www.thebabbleithinkimean.blogspot.com.
• It's Brie getting ready for Rome, Italy. She leaves the 9th of Sept. It took her all summer to settle in at home, and now she'll be gone so far- her first overseas trip. She'll be there till Thanksgiving! She's been working on a blog- I'll post that later. Her excitement over her art and the art that she is studying is inspiring!
  I've added clocks for Rome and for Jerusalem on my blog so I can always know the official time for all of us.
• It's Ren exploring some dreams both with his business and his ministry. I love watching and seeing God open his heart and life to a 'new thing'.
• It's me- finally feeling some direction. I'm beginning a new class to become certified as a life coach- emphasis is life, relationship and bereavement. Pray for me! I know as I study, issues will stir up emotions in myself. But I sense it's time to pursue something I thought I would try 5 years ago. I guess my understanding of grief and life are much different than it was then- so I'm already a better qualified student than I would have been.

I don't know all the next steps- but I love that it's a GREEN one for all of us! I'm ok with 365 days of GREEN a year! I guess sometimes that can happen if you've had times of brown to prepare you for the next step. As hard as they are-I see their value!
Praying Green for you in your brown world! Keep paying attention! It may come very unexpectedly!