I Cele-dreaded this day!

This is the day - you know -

the one you CELEBRATE  because it acknowledged a great accomplishment by people you care about.

But also the day you DREAD because it reminded you that something is not right about this day.

I've worked hard to 'prepare' myself for this day

I didn't know how having it all happen just before Mother's Day might affect me!

I've cried- or needed to cry- often

I couldn't figure out why-

Why do I feel so very sad

Why do I feel so full of grief

Why can't I stop thinking about her

Why...does...it...hurt...so...bad…???

This is the day when her close friends are graduating,

I've known that Jameson & Kelsey & Abby were all graduating this May.

I've been excited for them and watched closely as they posted pictures and updates

Of all that is happening and all the plans to come.

This is the day when her sisters, Caitlin & Brielle, are getting engaged,

and hunting for the right dresses

And choosing bridesmaids,  and colors, and flowers

and planning showers, and weddings and receptions

But this also the day I remember- that she isn't here!

The day I ponder in so many ways what could have been, if only…!

This could have been her year to graduate from some college

To have a boyfriend

Maybe even to be getting married too.

I can see it happen.

I celebrate these dear people and the steps they are taking

But I dread the emotion because it reminds me that it will never, ever be 'right'.

No matter how hard I/we all try.

She will always be gone- the bold, boisterous, life of the party, troublemaker that she was

We will always miss her presence with us

I always miss her 

Cele-dread!

But today Tim read 1 Cor 13- 3 times he read it during Shalom

Each time the words I heard were

'if we do not love, we are nothing.'

I loved!

I still love!

Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean I have quit loving her!

It's because I love that this day hurts so very deep.

It's my love that causes my heart to break

On this day

On all of these days of celebration.

As I look as these precious people- men and women that she loved too!

Some that she never got to meet

I rejoice for what God is doing in them- through them- around them

I celebrate the love I feel for them- and they for me

I cherish it!

I could NOT not love them.

That would be far worse to me

To have never have loved at all

It might mean that it would not hurt so much now

But what would make life worth living without that love.

I could fear losing and therefore not love so that I would not get hurt

But truly to 'not have love, means I have nothing'

I have a heart that is full- of emotion, of sadness yes, but also of joy, and gratitude,

For the life I knew

For the sense that I am loved

And that I love still!

That's something!

I celebrate!

I can hear Him singing!

She's invited me to come on a journey with her; a pilgrimage of  life from loss to gratitude, from isolation to communion, to intimacy.

The author of One Thousand Gifts has taken me full circle.

All the while her words have gently massaged my soul, 

drawing out toxins that have permeated the very core of my being, 

kneading in messages of promise, of HOPE!

modeling for me how to live fully- not perfectly- but completely

seeing with eyes that behold His gifts, his invitation to hear him say once again,
"I love you!"

gratitude upon gratitude leading to the miracle

the communion of extraordinary God with ordinary woman

Eucharisteo!

This book I neither read quickly or flippantly.  Each page seemed to need time of its own to ponder- to question- to embrace! I wept! I smiled! I found healing and comfort, challenge and inspiration.  I rejoiced and grieved! For Ann- yes! Deep within myself- most definitely!  But for many others as well. Women and men who long for this kind of oneness with One who knows them inside and out and loves them still.  Yet the journey is not an easy one and many choose not to go there, not to do the work of 'noticing' for fear of what they might see,  for fear of the pain they might feel. 

But oh, what we miss when we silently back away from the angst and retreat to isolation once again. Most often it's that daily reminder of the 'gifts'. Noticing in a brief instant or in a series of moments that He has yet again reached out to me so uniquely to my needs and desires. But sometimes, when you least expect or when you are living most expectantly - there is this Kairos!  This moment when God takes up all the loose ends of your life and knots them together in the palm of His hand. Suddenly all the pieces of the journey begin to come together and take shape.  Your heart burns with longing and fills with gratitude all at the same time.  You know! You know!

Easter morning I read Ann's words (I record them because I do not want to forget the gift of that moment):

I can hear Him, singing, waking the world.  He's singing THAT song! 
The one I really didn't believe He sang!

"He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." (Zephaniah 3:17)

He sings love!...I can see the song,...And I can see in: 
Love is the face at the center of the universe. 
A sacred Smile; 
Holiness ready to die for intimacy!
...He serenades, "How do I love thee? 
I count the ways!

In eucharisteo, I count, count, count, keeping the beat of His song, the love song He can't stop singing, this long song of longing. That he sings love over me?

What else can all these gifts mean?

Crazy, I know, but until eucharisteo had me write the graces on paper, in my own handwriting, until it alerted my mind to see the graces in the details of my very own live, I hadn't really known.
With every grace, He sings, 

"You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"For you are a chosen people...God's very own possession." (1 Peter 2:9)

I was afraid? I would have let fears that He wasn't close, wasn't passionately caring, wasn't tenderly tending, keep me from seeing ...He chose me!

(I would love to record the whole chapter- but be sure to read chapter 11, The joy of intimacy in it's entirety.)

She goes on to say:

CS Lewis argued that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us... infinitely more important. Years of Christian discipleship, Bible study, churchgoing have been about me thinking about God. Practicing eucharisteo was the very first I had really consider at length what God thought about me- this ridiculous and relentlessly pursuing love, so bold. Everywhere, everything, Love!

"I have loved you with an everlasing love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV)

In a thousand ways He woos.

In a thousand ways I fall in love.

Isn't falling in love always the fullest life?

Gratitude, gratitude, always eucharisteo!

I hear Him singing too!
How about you?