She said...

Her words to me this morning were...

"I just looked you up on the computer- I found you- I just called you.

I read about you- everything I read- I knew I should call and talk to you.

You understood grief- you were a christian- you were a pastor's wife- you had experience in other people's grief.

You don't realize how qualified you are- but I know!!!"

She was right... I don't know.  Sometimes I wonder at the fact that somehow, something I said, or more specifically asked, stirred something in someone else that made a difference.  It is a wonder!  I love it!  

But do I feel qualified!  No!  Sure I went to school. I've got a bachelor's degree, as well as,  certification for Coaching in life, relationship and master coaching.  I coach coaches in a master class.  I hold groups and coach individuals and even work with businesses for team building and leadership training. I must know something, right. Maybe! But it could just mean I'm busy.

But it's not really the degree or certifications or all the 'busyness of business' that makes me qualified in the eyes of most of my clients.  

I'm qualified, because I've been there!  Her words to me 'you understood grief' and 'you had experience in other people's grief."  We're not just talking about having lost a daughter or having helped others who have lost a loved one.  That catches the attention of many people, but it's more than that.

It's having had a dream- and having to let it go.

It's having a title and walking away from it- even when I didn't know what I was walking too.

It's having a job- then not having one.

It's being secure financially- then not!

It's almost losing a family- then working really hard to get it back- only to have it ripped apart again by loss.

It's building an intimate relationship with the Lord, but then wondering if He would let all these 'bad things happen to good people' if he were truly God- and realizing that if I could explain all this, then He wouldn't be God,  and choosing to trust Him with the 'mystery' called life.

and having to start all over in all of it - again.

They don't even have to know my story to know I get it!  Sometimes I wish I didn't!  Couldn't life be easier, Lord!  But most of the time, I'm learning to be grateful.

  

Grateful that if I have to struggle so to overcome some ache in my heart- someone might benefit from my journey.

Grateful that I can empathize with people on so many levels that, in the past, I often just offered that platitudes that sounded as 'christianeze' as possible.  But we know when someone doesn't really know.  I know!  You know!   You just know!

Grateful that each area of struggle is another opportunity for me to see God at work- in ways I never have imagined.  It's an opportunity to see HOPE- green hope- life giving hope!

It really doesn't matter what the issue is- we all have issues.  We all experience loss at some point in our lives.  We all have times when it feels like we are spinning out of control in a whirlpool that is sucking the breath out of us and crushing us under the waves that continue to roll over us.

I guess that makes me qualified!  And yet it's more than that! Because it's not the issues or loss that become the defining moment in our lives. We all have that!  It's HOW WE RESPOND to them that makes all the difference.  

If my friend from the beginning of this post had read story after story- post after post of 'woe is me, i've suffered all these things...' would she have even wanted to talk to me.  I know I wouldn't.  I'm not qualified because I've known pain.  I'm qualified because I've chosen to look for  hope at the end - and often in the middle of every struggle I've ever had.  Now by no means does that mean I always respond right.  Don't ask my husband how I was this weekend.  I'm ashamed to say that after coaching several clients last week to live gratefully and with hope- I wallowed in the sea of forgetfulness and had a pity-party deluxe that zapped all my strength from me.  It happens to all of us from time to time.  

But the Lord- and Rennie- wouldn't let me stay there!  And one by one, I was reminded of how God had met a need, or a dream or just a whisper.  My eyes were open to how God was providing now and what moments of hope looked like- right now!  

This week in my mailbox God provided. One day it was a journal that a sweet friend found at Target and thought of me.  They cover said Live in HOPE! and it had a beautiful green tree on it.  It's just like the one Cait bought for the HOPE CABIN.  But my friend didn't know that.  A reminder to LIVE ---IN --- HOPE!!!

Another was a letter addressed to Rennie.  No postmark, no return address.  Just a card that said Blessings with $200 cash in it.  Lord!!!!!  thank you for the friend who shared!

It was a friend who sent an idea for cupcakes

or the one who called out of the blue just to talk

or the one who said, 'don't quit now!'

It was the client who said, I'm so grateful for you.

Or the note that said why.

or the husband who pursued me when I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out.

I know, it sounds like I'm depressed!  I was!  Not sure of all the whys! Life isn't terrible- in fact, it's pretty good.   It could be health, or big events in our life, or daughter's growing up or... maybe just forgetting how I long to respond to all of life's issues- with gratitude and hope!  And I can-- not because I'm so good, but because God is so great!

My friend is right!  I am qualified- to share my life as it happens with others who long to share theirs.  How about you?  

Thanks friend for the reminder! 

I can hear Him singing!

She's invited me to come on a journey with her; a pilgrimage of  life from loss to gratitude, from isolation to communion, to intimacy.

The author of One Thousand Gifts has taken me full circle.

All the while her words have gently massaged my soul, 

drawing out toxins that have permeated the very core of my being, 

kneading in messages of promise, of HOPE!

modeling for me how to live fully- not perfectly- but completely

seeing with eyes that behold His gifts, his invitation to hear him say once again,
"I love you!"

gratitude upon gratitude leading to the miracle

the communion of extraordinary God with ordinary woman

Eucharisteo!

This book I neither read quickly or flippantly.  Each page seemed to need time of its own to ponder- to question- to embrace! I wept! I smiled! I found healing and comfort, challenge and inspiration.  I rejoiced and grieved! For Ann- yes! Deep within myself- most definitely!  But for many others as well. Women and men who long for this kind of oneness with One who knows them inside and out and loves them still.  Yet the journey is not an easy one and many choose not to go there, not to do the work of 'noticing' for fear of what they might see,  for fear of the pain they might feel. 

But oh, what we miss when we silently back away from the angst and retreat to isolation once again. Most often it's that daily reminder of the 'gifts'. Noticing in a brief instant or in a series of moments that He has yet again reached out to me so uniquely to my needs and desires. But sometimes, when you least expect or when you are living most expectantly - there is this Kairos!  This moment when God takes up all the loose ends of your life and knots them together in the palm of His hand. Suddenly all the pieces of the journey begin to come together and take shape.  Your heart burns with longing and fills with gratitude all at the same time.  You know! You know!

Easter morning I read Ann's words (I record them because I do not want to forget the gift of that moment):

I can hear Him, singing, waking the world.  He's singing THAT song! 
The one I really didn't believe He sang!

"He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." (Zephaniah 3:17)

He sings love!...I can see the song,...And I can see in: 
Love is the face at the center of the universe. 
A sacred Smile; 
Holiness ready to die for intimacy!
...He serenades, "How do I love thee? 
I count the ways!

In eucharisteo, I count, count, count, keeping the beat of His song, the love song He can't stop singing, this long song of longing. That he sings love over me?

What else can all these gifts mean?

Crazy, I know, but until eucharisteo had me write the graces on paper, in my own handwriting, until it alerted my mind to see the graces in the details of my very own live, I hadn't really known.
With every grace, He sings, 

"You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)

"For you are a chosen people...God's very own possession." (1 Peter 2:9)

I was afraid? I would have let fears that He wasn't close, wasn't passionately caring, wasn't tenderly tending, keep me from seeing ...He chose me!

(I would love to record the whole chapter- but be sure to read chapter 11, The joy of intimacy in it's entirety.)

She goes on to say:

CS Lewis argued that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us... infinitely more important. Years of Christian discipleship, Bible study, churchgoing have been about me thinking about God. Practicing eucharisteo was the very first I had really consider at length what God thought about me- this ridiculous and relentlessly pursuing love, so bold. Everywhere, everything, Love!

"I have loved you with an everlasing love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness. (Jeremiah 31:3 NIV)

In a thousand ways He woos.

In a thousand ways I fall in love.

Isn't falling in love always the fullest life?

Gratitude, gratitude, always eucharisteo!

I hear Him singing too!
How about you?

Only ONE resolution this year!

So if you asked me what my favorite Christmas gift was this year, I would have to say a book!
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

It's not just because it was from a very special friend on a day that we enjoyed a very special meal together.  It's not just because I have wanted to read it for a while and I like the cover of the book- though I do and have for a couple of years now.  It's not because it is fresh off the presses, because it came out in 2010. It's not that the author is saying anything brand new really- I've been told these things often before. I have even had a 'gratitude journal' often in my life.

No, as I've thought about WHY this book is so special- I guess it's because of the 'timing'!

The timing of when I received it and when I started reading it.
I was ready.
My heart was ready to receive it's message.
My life was ready to be inspired by it's words and the challenge it offers.
My spirit was ready to 'begin again' in the new year to live with a grateful heart.
My eyes were ready behold the gifts that were given each day
My mouth was ready to voice my thanks.

The timing of the interview I heard with Ann this morning.
The author speaking with excitement and passion about a message given to her to share with the world.
The reminders
...that each day is a gift.
...that when we receive the gifts in each day we enter into communion with the Giver of the gifts.
...that when we take the time to notice the gifts, we wake up to the little things, slow down enough to see them.
...that when we ask "what are gifts?" we begin to see the gifts in all things- even the hard things as being from the Giver of gifts.
...that you can't feel two feelings at the same time.  You can't feel fear and thanksgiving together.
...that people who keep a gratitude journal are 25% happier.
...that when Jesus knew it was time to die- he didn't buy a ticket to go see a place he had not seen yet. He broke bread and gave thanks.
...that the only place we need to see before we die is GOD-in the here and now.

The timing of the words in the book- creative structure-
         sometimes flowing, sometimes disjointed with intentionality and yet, as if random thoughts.
               Sometimes the words spoke peace and hope and JOY, great joy.
               Other times they were painting with great detail the hardship or pain in life, in Ann's life, in mine!

But always they were pointing to the everyday gifts that we are given each day-
- things that we have most often taken for granted.
- moments that are precious yet fleeting.

As I begin this new year, my only resolution is to live each and every day GRATEFUL! To see where God is breaking into my world and to thank Him for it!

How about you?  What are you grateful for today?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!