She said...

Her words to me this morning were...

"I just looked you up on the computer- I found you- I just called you.

I read about you- everything I read- I knew I should call and talk to you.

You understood grief- you were a christian- you were a pastor's wife- you had experience in other people's grief.

You don't realize how qualified you are- but I know!!!"

She was right... I don't know.  Sometimes I wonder at the fact that somehow, something I said, or more specifically asked, stirred something in someone else that made a difference.  It is a wonder!  I love it!  

But do I feel qualified!  No!  Sure I went to school. I've got a bachelor's degree, as well as,  certification for Coaching in life, relationship and master coaching.  I coach coaches in a master class.  I hold groups and coach individuals and even work with businesses for team building and leadership training. I must know something, right. Maybe! But it could just mean I'm busy.

But it's not really the degree or certifications or all the 'busyness of business' that makes me qualified in the eyes of most of my clients.  

I'm qualified, because I've been there!  Her words to me 'you understood grief' and 'you had experience in other people's grief."  We're not just talking about having lost a daughter or having helped others who have lost a loved one.  That catches the attention of many people, but it's more than that.

It's having had a dream- and having to let it go.

It's having a title and walking away from it- even when I didn't know what I was walking too.

It's having a job- then not having one.

It's being secure financially- then not!

It's almost losing a family- then working really hard to get it back- only to have it ripped apart again by loss.

It's building an intimate relationship with the Lord, but then wondering if He would let all these 'bad things happen to good people' if he were truly God- and realizing that if I could explain all this, then He wouldn't be God,  and choosing to trust Him with the 'mystery' called life.

and having to start all over in all of it - again.

They don't even have to know my story to know I get it!  Sometimes I wish I didn't!  Couldn't life be easier, Lord!  But most of the time, I'm learning to be grateful.

  

Grateful that if I have to struggle so to overcome some ache in my heart- someone might benefit from my journey.

Grateful that I can empathize with people on so many levels that, in the past, I often just offered that platitudes that sounded as 'christianeze' as possible.  But we know when someone doesn't really know.  I know!  You know!   You just know!

Grateful that each area of struggle is another opportunity for me to see God at work- in ways I never have imagined.  It's an opportunity to see HOPE- green hope- life giving hope!

It really doesn't matter what the issue is- we all have issues.  We all experience loss at some point in our lives.  We all have times when it feels like we are spinning out of control in a whirlpool that is sucking the breath out of us and crushing us under the waves that continue to roll over us.

I guess that makes me qualified!  And yet it's more than that! Because it's not the issues or loss that become the defining moment in our lives. We all have that!  It's HOW WE RESPOND to them that makes all the difference.  

If my friend from the beginning of this post had read story after story- post after post of 'woe is me, i've suffered all these things...' would she have even wanted to talk to me.  I know I wouldn't.  I'm not qualified because I've known pain.  I'm qualified because I've chosen to look for  hope at the end - and often in the middle of every struggle I've ever had.  Now by no means does that mean I always respond right.  Don't ask my husband how I was this weekend.  I'm ashamed to say that after coaching several clients last week to live gratefully and with hope- I wallowed in the sea of forgetfulness and had a pity-party deluxe that zapped all my strength from me.  It happens to all of us from time to time.  

But the Lord- and Rennie- wouldn't let me stay there!  And one by one, I was reminded of how God had met a need, or a dream or just a whisper.  My eyes were open to how God was providing now and what moments of hope looked like- right now!  

This week in my mailbox God provided. One day it was a journal that a sweet friend found at Target and thought of me.  They cover said Live in HOPE! and it had a beautiful green tree on it.  It's just like the one Cait bought for the HOPE CABIN.  But my friend didn't know that.  A reminder to LIVE ---IN --- HOPE!!!

Another was a letter addressed to Rennie.  No postmark, no return address.  Just a card that said Blessings with $200 cash in it.  Lord!!!!!  thank you for the friend who shared!

It was a friend who sent an idea for cupcakes

or the one who called out of the blue just to talk

or the one who said, 'don't quit now!'

It was the client who said, I'm so grateful for you.

Or the note that said why.

or the husband who pursued me when I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out.

I know, it sounds like I'm depressed!  I was!  Not sure of all the whys! Life isn't terrible- in fact, it's pretty good.   It could be health, or big events in our life, or daughter's growing up or... maybe just forgetting how I long to respond to all of life's issues- with gratitude and hope!  And I can-- not because I'm so good, but because God is so great!

My friend is right!  I am qualified- to share my life as it happens with others who long to share theirs.  How about you?  

Thanks friend for the reminder! 

Letter to Leisha

Hi Sweetheart!
It's been so long since I've touched you last.  Six years ago today in fact!  In some ways it seems like yesterday, but in most ways it seems like a lifetime ago already.

I think of you every day, wondering what life is like in heaven,  knowing that your LIFE is full of richness and amazement.

• I'm wondering what kinds of things you DO there
• what WORSHIP is like when you are so aware of HIS presence, 
• what WORK is like when you love what you are doing.

Even as I think of those things, I realize that even here on earth I have experienced His presence in worship and I do know what it is like to love my work.  Yet I long to know what you now know, seeing it from the other side.

This morning, Jerry Suter asked your Dad and I to come to share 'WORDS OF WISDOM' with the Suter bunch.  I remember when you and your sisters would come home from picking corn and share something that was said at the WORDS OF WISDOM time.  What a cool thing Jerry & Nancy have done there - with so many kids for so long.  Catherine was there, so was Jennifer and Ava and others you would know.  

Dad had to leave before the kids got back from the corn field, so I shared myself.  I remembered a time when I was their age and had been asked to write my obituary.  I remember being very challenged by the exercise to consider what I wanted people to say about me when I died.  I wrote that I died very old, had a husband that adores me, had kids and grandkids that love me dearly, do ... lot's of different things that make a difference in people's lives.   No where did I put that I would experience pain, or lose a daughter before she had a chance to grow old.

I told them today was your 6th anniversary in heaven. I shared with them the legacy you left me. In our conversation just minutes before you died, you told me, "I want to influence.  I want to say to people, 'I'm going, come with me!'"  Your words became a huge impetus for me to keep moving forward.  So I could say to people "Come with me!"   You reminded me that your favorite color means your favorite word, "Green means HOPE!"  You left me a legacy of hope- green hope in a sometimes brown world!

So I challenged them to consider what legacy they are leaving in their world.

Yes, Jerry cried!  You knew he would! I told the kids that the evening you died, I didn't remember all the hugs I got that night, but I remembered looking up into Jerry's face shortly after I got to the scene, and seeing in his face that he knew something about my future that I didn't know.  I watched him fall to the ground in grief, sobbing not just for you or for us- but for Tim and his family all over again.  I'm sure you and Tim have talked about us often.  Oh how Jerry & Nancy have mentored us with hope- and the ability to continue to influence the lives of others for hope!

Since Dad had to leave, I didn't have a ride home!  Nancy offered to take me, but I said, "I think I need to take the walk home!" She immediately knew what I was saying!  "Time to think, huh?"

It was!  Walking home from Suter's means walking to your corner!  The one where you found the Narnia door to heaven!  The last time I walked there was a couple of months after you died.  Jerry Sittser, in his book "A GRACE DISGUISED" talked about early in his grief, he tried to lasso the sun and keep it from going down in the west.  His sister challenged him to let go of the sun and 'turn east'.  If you walk into the darkness, the morning will come sooner.  At first I hated that idea!  Turning east from our house meant turning toward your corner.  But after thinking about it awhile, it seemed important for me to do.  So one afternoon, I walked your 'last walk'.  Down the driveway, past Richard's barn, across 696 all the away to Road 5.

It was an incredible God moment for me.  But also full of anguish.  I wrote about it recently.  (http://brickhousenews.blogspot.com/2012/05/turning-east-again.html) I couldn't share it then...it was too...deeply personal. But it's been healing to remember now.

I didn't remember the walk back from that corner then. My grief was so raw, the darkness so encompassing. But today I felt the warmth of the sun on my back, I was amazed at the brightness of the day and the lightness of my heart.  I actually walked around the corner and suddenly stopped and looked back.  I realized that my thoughts were not on the accident or your death, but your life. Times we had as a family riding bikes on that road.  (Remember when Brie crashed into the ditch when she didn't know how to use her brakes yet)  So many times we drove that road to church, or practice or ...to work at Suter's!   I stood there and realized that as I turned the corner I was thinking of LIFE!  I marveled at the healing that has come. Six years ago I never thought I would laugh again, or know joy again. I never thought I would enjoy life.  But I am!  You are a big part of helping me get to this place!  Your legacy had reminded me to look to the ONE that can give hope!

As I walked in the door, I burst into tears and sweat poured from me!  But after sleeping for a while, I realize that it wasn't the exercise that exhausted me (tho I know I am not in good shape yet), it was the release of emotions that have been building over the last few weeks of preparing for the LEISHA'S HOPE event in July and looking toward this anniversary.  Just because I am experiencing hope, doesn't mean I don't miss you terribly! I do!  It doesn't mean I don't wish that you were still here, being part of our lives in a physical sense.  Though in so many ways I sense you are continuing to make this journey with us in spirit!

This afternoon I went to the woods to meet Tabby!  Oh it was so good to see her! I showed her the FAITH cabin (she was impressed- wants to bring her folks).  I showed her where HOPE will be.  She loved it!  We walked around the trail and talked for 2 hours.  We could easily have talked more, but she had a 4:00 appointment.

One of the things I told the Lord recently was that I was sad that I don't get to see 'new' pictures of you like I do Cait & Brie.  Or hear new stories of things you've said and done.  But Tabby shared with me something I don't think she ever told me before.  She shared with me that the evening you were on your walk, you called her and left her a message.  Something like, "Hey Tabby, I just wanted to tell you that I'm not coming to youth group tonight.  But I wanted you to know I was thinking about you.  I'll see you Sunday!"   Tabby said she didn't know what made you think of her, but the fact that you called her, and then died has made such a difference in her life.  She told me that often when she doesn't know what she should do, she thinks "what would Leisha do?"  One time after she got her new little GREEN Bug for graduation, she didn't want to get it dirty.  Some of the kids from youth group needed a ride.  Her dad just said, "What would Leisha do?"  She turned to the group and said, "Ok guys, come on, let's go!"  She even put the GREEN HOPE eye on some TOMS she had made.

I did remind her that from your perspective now, you would remind her that it doesn't matter what you would do.  What is important is what would Jesus have her do in this moment!  I also reminded her that you would tell her not to be like you, but to be the very best Tabby that God created; with all of the incredible skills and abilities and dreams that God planted in her. And Leisha she is amazing!  I love her heart for her family, for people, for the 'behind the scenes' of ministry.  I know God is using her in amazing ways already.  He used her in my life today.

I spent the rest of the afternoon just quiet in the cabin. Just resting! reflecting! remembering!

I just want you to know how very much I love you! How much more I miss you!  How proud I am of you and the legacy you left for me- for so many others!  Thank you honey! Have a great day in heaven today celebrating your 6th anniversary of running into His arms!  I look forward to the day I will see you again!

I love you!
Mom

Launching Green HOPE Coaching

The New Year has begun! January is near the end! If you are like most people, your new year's resolutions are already a distant memory.

Well, I'd like to introduce myself. I am Kathy- the Green HOPE Coach!
Let me explain...

Years ago, I became aware of an increasing desire to be part of helping people take their 'next steps'. Whether that is to find their vision for their life, clarify the values they want to be known for, deepen relationships or work through a dark place, I wanted to come alongside and assist others to live out their uniqueness.

Then life took some unexpected, core shaking turns- most specifically, the death of our daughter, Leisha. Everything I had ever believed about life; my roles, my relationships, my purpose, even my belief in God and His character were brought into question. But in my laborious struggle through that deep, dark tunnel of mud called grief, I learned some valuable lessons.

1. It really DOES matter what you build into your life when things are going well. That's the stuff you have to trust when tragedy strikes. My knowledge of who God says He is, my study of who He made me to be, even the words of scripture or my own words of my vision statement were part of what gave me strength to take next steps when I could barely stand.
What would you like to build into your life now?

2. It really DOES matter the quality of relationships that you are growing in your life. When life hits-it is most often those people- ordinary people- that walk with you through it. Ordinary people doing ordinary (to them) things have an extraordinary impact on the lives of people in our world- mine especially.
Who are the people in your world? What kind of relationship do you have with them? What can you do this week/ month to deepen those relationships?

The afternoon Leisha died, I was teasing her about her impatience to get her driver's permit. "You just want power," I quipped. I could sense she was thinking hard about that statement, when she replied, "Mom I don't need power. I want to INFLUENCE! I want to say to people, 'I'm going! Come with me'!"

I realized, over the course of the last four years since her death, that I too want to influence! I want to be part of opening the eyes of men and women to see Hope! As Leisha would say "My favorite color means my favorite word- Green means HOPE!" I want to influence others to see Green, life giving Hope in the middle of their sometimes very brown worlds.

So...(drum roll please)!!!
Introducing my new practice called Green HOPE Coaching!

To 25 plus years of ministry experience, I've added a program for life coach certification.

A life coach is not a counselor, nor a consultant. My role is to help coach you to an awareness of your vision and relationships and next steps. I ask the questions to guide you to who and what you truly value in life. Along the way, we identify the potential obstacles and clarify goals and actions to reach your dream. Or maybe you've lost sight of that dream completely. It's not to late to peel back the layers that keep it from view.

Sound interesting? Call me! I offer a free strategy session to consider if our partnering would be of benefit to you- or perhaps a friend. Most of my coaching is done over the phone- so whether you are near or far away, I'm available to work with you. We'll design a program that works for you depending on your desired outcome.

I'm also continuing to develop messages that speak hope with your church or organization. If you would like more information on topics that I speak on, give me a call.

For coaching or speaking, you can contact me at 419-306-8311 or kathy@greenhopecoaching.com.
You can even check out the 'still being designed' website at www.greenhopecoaching.com

Make a conscious choice this year to SEE HOPE / to PLANT HOPE! I'd love to walk that journey with you!

May the God of Green HOPE fill you up with peace, fill you up with joy, so that your believing lives, filled with the life giving energy of the Holy Spirit, will brim over with HOPE!
(Romans 15:13, the message)

Kathy, the Green HOPE Coach
kathy@greenhopecoaching.com

Something's happening!!!!

Since my lessons from the closet- something's happened!

The process of getting Lei's room redone- of doing some of the hard work myself- has been opening not only my heart, but my mind, body & soul to living! Since we painted the walls in Leisha's room, I've found myself stronger and more able to sustain the daily wear and tear that used to sock me in the gut and force me to lay down more than I was up. Am I getting physically stronger? It feels like it. But more than that, the stress of the mental & emotional is becoming manageable. I'm not having to take extra meds as often to control my reactions to stress. That's what you have to do when you have Addison's disease and your adrenal glands no longer take care of that for you. I'm actually able to PUSH through things that I could not do just a few months ago.

Could it all be connected with grabbing hold of a room that once belonged to my precious girl? Or is that fact that I am beginning to 'own' more than the room.

In the process of cleaning out closets, I've also addressed some issues that were cluttering my heart- my relationships. I'm finding healing in me and in my body.

But it's not just me...it's more. It's Rennie! It's Cait and Brie!
It's finally having a dream again- all of us! It's not knowing where it will lead us yet-but it's feeling like dreaming again. Dreaming! That's hasn't happened in a long time!

I don't know what it is yet--- I just know something is happening!
I'm gonna pay close attention! It feels like hope!

The Green Room Update

Well, it's taken 3 years, 9 months, & 14 days but the walls are painted- a perfect shade of Green!

It's been such a journey to come to the place that we could begin to claim Leisha's room for anything other than her room. But even though the walls were painted a hot pink, bright yellow and blazing orange- it began to feel like a hole- a brown hole that was that was void of the life that once blared through it.

Leisha had painted the room herself the year before she died. Though I helped her some, she was the one who really labored to get the right colors and find the right sheets that she used for curtains and her bed. And she did indeed labor to paint those walls. I was reminded of that this weekend. The walls are textured plaster. And it is hard to get in all the crevices even on the second coat. I remember that I helped her with the second coat of the different colors because she was getting discouraged at getting a good coverage. I must admit- I was cursing that hot pink for the same reason as I was trying to cover it with green this time. And I did leave just a bit of the orange showing in one wall- just because it reminded me she was there.

I was so grateful that Cait was home this school year- because she literally walked me through the process of each item- is this important to me? Do I need to keep it? Can I give it to someone else? Or just take it to Goodwill? You can imagine the tears as I touched each thing- processed its worth to Leisha- to me- and made our decision. Cait would just listen as I processed and grieved. But she kept me on task- at my speed, but on task.

Then came the task of getting the right shade of green. Kim Basinger sat and listened to us one evening and helped us find not only the right "Leisha shade" of green, but also the right feel for the room. We had to prime over the bright colors- Cait got us started- putting the paintbrush to that first wall was so tough. Then Brie got home from school and began to help us put the overall room design together.

And I started painting the GREEN. Ren helped Saturday night. I knew I couldn't do it all myself- it was just too hard! So we celebrated our 31 years of marriage by painting together. I don't think we've done that very often in our 31 years. But it was good to be together remembering.

I found myself remembering so many things-
it started out bubble gum pink as 'the girls room' - they all three had twin beds in there. Don't ask me how- but it worked then.
Then we got bunk beds - which helped, but by then Cait had moved into what used to be a play room. And of course, Brie & Leisha wanted to paint it a different color. I think it was blue, yellow,pink & green that time.
Then we moved our bedroom up to the attic- so Brie moved into our room. That's when Leisha painted it the already mentioned hot pink, yellow & orange.

I remembered tearful conversations, excited dream sessions, deep thoughts, intense debates, not just with Leisha but with all three of the girls. Sometimes I was part of the conversations- sometimes I could just hear them from the floor below. And the giggles & squeals- do girls ever stop doing that? It was all so SO BIG sometimes all I could do was listen - I couldn't begin to absorb it all for the grandeur of it! But I've pondered it many times since- especially this weekend as I painted GREEN!

We have a ways to go- putting up a new ceiling- refinishing a floor- turning the closet into my office. But phase 1, 2 & 3 are done. Not sure how many phases are left- but I think the hardest is part is over, and it's already beginning to grow new life in all it's greeness!

I love the color green!

Pondering GREEN!

I've been thinking lot's about GREEN this weekend! Obviously-because of Leisha's birthday, but other reasons too!

One is that lot's of 'readers' have shared their GREEN with me since I posted! Some on the blog, others on FB, but also some this weekend at church. It was so inspiring to have people walk up to me and say- I saw Green...in my child, in my front yard, in my relationship with an old friend, in ... so life giving to hear all the spottings of GREEN! I love it! and I know other's are benefiting too! For some- it comes at a crucial time when they can't see GREEN at all. It's all brown. They need the reminders of those who can see it now. So...Keep it coming!

The other GREEN pondering has come because we're finally ready to do something special with Leisha's room. It's been so hard to 'own' any changes. She had just painted it, all by herself mostly, shortly before she died. It's got two walls of bright yellow, one hot pink and one bright orange. It's got bright Polka dotted (bedsheet) curtains too, as well as, a carpet that needs to be replaced or removed because of a great wood floor underneath. But it's not 'right' without her in it- so we want to claim the room again in a way.

So, we've decided we want to paint it GREEN! Naturally!

We just can't decide what "SHADE" of green! Do you know how many GREENS are out there? And, in light of all the emotions connected with it, we can't just do something- it has to be the RIGHT thing!

We also really had not been able to decide what the 'purpose' of the room was?
It's not really a bedroom, though we could put in a large air mattress for guests.
It's not really a library- though we have books in every room in this house.
So what is it now?

I got to thinking about what a 'GREEN ROOM" is! You know that room in a theater or studio that functions as a break/ touch up lounge so that performers don't have to go back to the wardrobe/ dressing rooms and are still easily accessible for their 'call'!

I realized- that's what I want this room to be. A place where we 'the perfomers of life' can go for a break or touch up so that we're easily accessible to for our 'next call'. A place of rest, refreshment, calm, inspiration, HOPE! A place of Shalom!

Our pastor modeled the idea for me by turning his office into a SHALOM for those of us in the office. We meet on Tuesday mornings in the SHALOM and share life, share the wonders of God and the Brown places it shows itself. It's been life giving- I think, for all of us!

I long for this room to be a place where we can take time to NOTICE the GREEN that is happening. I don't know what that looks like yet, but I'm looking forward to it being a place of HOPE.

I hope you have a place to go- where you NOTICE the GREEN, worship the God who is growing it and find SHALOM! If not, I've got this huge paint chip book you can look at!! I'm sure they've got your color somewhere!