Leisha's HOPE!

Dream

Joy

Fulfillment

Green

Hope

Thrill

Disappointment

Grief

Anger

Peace

Ache

Sadness

The last few weeks have been a plethora of emotions. I can't begin to name all of them.  Actually the last month has taken on a personality of it own.  One I hadn't planned for this summer- yet I know it's right!  I know it's what I was to do!  What we as a family were to be part of!

Over a month ago - June 25th, I visited the DEEP WOODS and listened!  It was a sweet day!  Probably the best day I've had out there- and I've enjoyed them all.  I heard a lot of things that day!  Some I wrote about!  Most seemed random in some way- but I 'noticed' them. 

As I sat in the FAITH cabin that day, the longing in my heart grew to see the HOPE cabin completed.  But how?  How could I raise enough funds to build it- let alone furnish it.  Every extra dollar we have right now is spoken for- for a long time.  Lord, how could we do this?  As I took one more gander back to the HOPE site, I prayed.  Lord, who would be willing to help us build HOPE in the DEEP WOODS?   I began my walk out of the woods and as I came to the clearing, the thought came to me, "Fix your garbage pail dinner and invite others to join you!"  Immediately I knew that was my answer. 

And now it is history! 

And WE'RE BUILDING HOPE in the DEEP WOODS!!!!

Not just a cabin, but the larger cabin, furnishing it and contributing nearly  1/3 of what is needed towards  the electric project for the woods!   HOORAY!!!!  Just got word today that the cabin has been ordered.  Lord willing, weather permitting, we should be able to get it built in September.  We are so very grateful!

The support toward the LEISHA'S HOPE Project was tremendous!  The notes we received, the stories we heard were all part of the joy of 'continuing to influence our world with hope!"  There is so much joy that comes with that!  Perhaps the greatest joy for Ren and I was doing this event with our girls, Caitlin and Brielle.  Their participation made this event so much more meaningful for us.  And the fact that they brought two awesome & strong young men with them didn't hurt either.  We thoroughly enjoyed them all. 

So...back to the plethora of emotions.  Why so many?  Shouldn't I just be excited that our dream of building the HOPE Cabin is becoming a reality.  Well, yes!  Of course I am!

But I'm also keenly aware that Leisha would have loved this!  She would have loved getting her friends together.  (some of them came to be part of it last weekend) She would have loved planning a party!  She would have loved the woods, and the cabins and the 'sacred space'!  She would have loved people from our past and our present, friends and family,  joining together to make this thing work.  She would have loved reading the notes and telling people about it.  Every where I looked I saw things I know she would have enjoyed being part of. 

I have a very real sense that she knows- however they know after they have gone on to heaven.  She knows what has taken place and rejoices for us all.  But...it's not like having her there.  I watch as the two sisters and their guys interact together on the bales of hay, and I know she would have loved that conversation.  She would have loved teasing the guys, messing with the girls and just being part of the family time. 

But I've really missed her this week.  It wasn't until today that the tears really fell.  My heart has been busy for a while now- planning, preparing, returning things, etc.  Today, I rested!  Today I realized how much I wish she was here and we didn't feel this strong need to build the cabin called HOPE.  But since she's not- I love that the memorial to her life is green, life giving, and influencing others with hope!

'Continuing the influence of HOPE!"

Now that's what I want to be about!

Kathy

A Place of Beginning Again!

Today's the day! It's been marked on my calender for months now! 1/11/11
The day I would BEGIN AGAIN!

Haven't you ever wished to start over? A do-over day to make things different than they were before; to cleanse the impurities and imperfections of what was and make it NEW or at least better than it was; to take the opportunities to 'follow your dream' and know that you will succeed.

Today is my place of BEGINNING AGAIN!
It started just like yesterday did. I woke up, fixed a cup of tea, checked my email and facebook messages, and got ready for the day. But today is different.

You see, I've quit my job! It was a good job! I love the people I worked with and the purpose I served in helping them realize the dream they have for a dear group of people and it's community.

But over the past few months, I've been reminded of my dream- the dream that was given to me long ago, a dream that was all but forgotten in the shadows of the past few years with all the obstacles, and border bullies, and set backs.

If you've read Bruce Wilkinson's book, The Dream Giver, you understand what I'm saying. It's the story of a Nobody named Ordinary who lived in the Land of Familiar doing the Usual. Then one morning Ordinary woke up and discovered a Big Dream that lay in a small corner of his heart. The rest of the book is about his journey out of the Land of Familiar to his Big Dream!

I actually feel like I've been at the place in Ordinary's journey where he had arrived at the Big Dream - was doing the Big Dream- saw success at the Big Dream. When Dream Giver says, Come further!

"He opened the gate and stepped outside. But as he did, he felt strangely...uncomfortable. He looked toward the distant Unknown.
Well done, Ordinary! the Dream Giver said. You are a good and faithful Dreamer. Now let me show you more.

'More?' asked Ordinary.

More, said the Dream Giver. There's so much more of my Big Dream waiting for you!...Soon you will leave what is familiar once again, the Dream Giver said. And I will be with you!"

That's where I'm standing right now- between the Land of Familiar and the Unknown. It actually feels really good. I had thought for a while that my dream was dead- or I was too lost to find it again. But my Ever Faithful, Dream Giving God has not forgotten me- nor let me forget what He planted in me so long ago.

So here I am Lord! I've picked up the backpack and I'm ready- at the edge of the Unknown- knowing You are here with me! Let's begin this journey!

"Ordinary looked again at what lay in his (her) future. The horizon was full of promise.
'Thank you, Dream Giver!' Ordinary whispered. 'Thank you for the gift of my Big Dream!'
And (s)he began to hum an unfamiliar tune."
The End, not! It's only the BEGINNING!

(Want to know what's next? keep watching! I'll post it here soon. Or call me and I'll fill you in!)

Truth!

It's one of those moments when you think you've got it all figured out- you're doing the right things- your 'above and beyond' what you should be doing- you are all right!

And then it comes at you- blaring in ways you imagine couldn't be any more obvious. You fall back on the chair, head in your hands, sometimes tears in your eyes and you realize yet again- you missed it.

TRUTH!

What's really happening in your own heart- let alone in the behaviors and attitudes of the past few months- years! It's like I should have known it all along- but I didn't. I didn't want to.

Six years ago- I walked away from a role that I had always dreamed of, a position that gave me a platform to both lift the chins of people to see the face of God and empower others to use their gifts and abilities in ministry. I didn't do it perfectly- some would say I didn't do it well. But I knew in my heart- that I was there because God made me to be there. I was willing to give ALL I had to that end. When the Lord said "let it go", it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Not because of what I was walking toward, but because of the dream that led me this point. It meant letting go of THE 'dream' as I knew it to that point - the best dream I ever had. Letting go meant not having a dream- not knowing what to dream- what He had in mind. But it was very clear. Kathy, let it go!

I spent the next year pondering what God was doing in that process- and I was quite ok with it! Until it became clear that Ren was going to 'let go' of his dream too! LORD! It was one thing for me to let go of my best dream- as long as Rennie was still a pastor. Because my other dream was to be a pastor's wife. For most of my life, that's all I wanted to be. I remember our 3rd date, it was Ren's senior year of high school. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
He looked awkward and said, "You'll laugh if I tell you!"
I said, "No I won't"(fully expecting not too!)
He replied, " I want to be a pastor!"

I did laugh! He looked at me heart struck.
I quickly responded, "I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I've always wanted to be a pastor's wife!"
Then he stopped laughing!

But now- nearly 30 years later, he's not a pastor anymore. The years since then have been such a journey! for both of us! But over the course of this time, I realized that I had built a large part of my identity on something someone else had to do. And now, no matter how bad I wanted that identity back- or how hard I tried, I couldn't MAKE it happen!

This is where the TRUTH blasted me this week.

You see- Ren has worked very hard to generate an income for our family through a small business he created called "All Things New!" It's an automotive appearance repair business and he's done a great job with it. But the more he worked on his business, the more I resisted it. The more help he needed, the more busy I became in outside things so I didn't have to help!

And in a very vivid vision this week, I realized I wanted him to fail. I wanted the business to flop so we could get back to what I wanted to be about- being a pastor's wife. That's the plain & simple of it. I hesitate to share this part of my journey here. But here it is! The ugly truth of it. I had put on my little spoiled girl shoes, dug in my heels and waited for the day I could get what I wanted.

Ugh! Rennie, I'm so sorry!

So now what?

Lord, what does this mean? I'm not sure! But I know this.
For the time being, You are growing in Rennie a new dream. It's not just about cars, but about the people he works with and for. It includes ministry- just different than we've ever known it.

Rennie, I am your wife- who loves you very much. I want to partner with you in whatever God plants in your heart to do for as long as God wills. I'm taking off my 'little spoiled girl' shoes- and I'm coming alongside you as your wife. Not an auto appearance repair man's wife!
Just you- Rennie's wife!

What's next? Lord only knows! But here's to dreaming!
I love you Ren!