A Birthday card ...for Leisha?

...or for me?

We celebrated Leisha's birthday (April 28) and my Dad's birthday (April 29) with my parents and my brother Brad, Tanya, Chelsi and her boyfriend Zach!  I don't know if we've ever celebrated Dad & Leisha's birthday's together all these years.  But Ren & I got to be in Texas this time and enjoyed our visit with them.

Mom slipped a card over to me after we finished eating.  On the front was written 'Leisha's Hope' and inside was a gift for the electricity DEEP WOODS project.  I was elated.  There was also a page that had been torn out of a daily bread devotional.  She had marked some portions of it that she especially wanted me to see.  I slipped in back in the envelope and promised I would read it later.  

I didn't get a chance to read it till we were traveling home a couple of days later.  But I was amazed how it tied in with the dreams and words of the hymn on Leisha's birthday. (See April 28th's blog)

I include it here in it's entirety so I won't forget what it said...

from OUR DAILY BREAD, February 8, 2013

Mysterious Truth

Sometimes when the infinite God conveys His thoughts to finite man, mystery is the result. For example, there’s a profound verse in the book of Psalms that seems to present more questions than answers: “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His faithful servants” (116:15 niv).

I shake my head and wonder how that can be. I see things with earthbound eyes, and I have a tough time seeing what is “precious” about the fact that our daughter was taken in a car accident at the age of 17—or that any of us have lost cherished loved ones.

We begin to unwrap the mystery, though, when we consider that what is precious to the Lord is not confined to earthly blessings. This verse examines a heaven-based perspective. For instance, I know from Psalm 139:16 that Melissa’s arrival in God’s heaven was expected. God was looking for her arrival, and it was precious in His eyes. And think about this: Imagine the Father’s joy when He welcomes His children home and sees their absolute ecstasy in being face to face with His Son (see John 17:24).

When death comes for the follower of Christ, God opens His arms to welcome that person into His presence. Even through our tears, we can see how precious that is in God’s eyes.

Lord, when sorrow grips our hearts as we think about

the death of one close to us, remind us of the joy You are

experiencing as our loved one enjoys the pleasures of

heaven. Please allow that to give us hope and comfort.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. —Psalm 116:15

A sunset in one land is a sunrise in another.

Pasted from <http://odb.org/2013/02/08/mysterious-truth/> 

Thanks Mom!

Happy Birthday Leisha!

She would have been...

22!  Today she would have been 22,

and possibly graduating from college with her friends this May

And maybe 'getting married'
like her other two sisters are this year. 

But I don't know what she is 'right now'!

I sense she is very much alive

Thoroughly using the gifts and abilities
God has designed her to use

Experiencing deeply the joy of being authentically  Leisha

But this morning I sense there is more… much more!

I woke up from some vivid dreams- It is dark

and I'm aware I am not in my own bed, but the guest bed at my parents home. Ren lays beside me sleeping soundly, though he had been so restless the night before.

Much like I felt now.

The dreams were a collage of dreams really- all having a different setting  and different characters too

But the plot was similar

Somewhere- somehow- something tragic happened and someone died.

Someone was ripped out of the life of another who loved them.

Someone was left with a gapping hole and a horrific ache.

I would stir from one dream only to appear in the middle of another story with the same heart wrenching scene.

I lay there sobbing silently- reliving what was  my own tragic  scene

Rehashing my own violent emotions

Longing- deeply longing to hold my girl once again.

To celebrate her birthday with her present-

this day that reminded me she had lived

She had messed up my world from the day she was born

And I knew I would never be the same because of it.

I was eternally grateful.

But this night my heart senses more...much more!

My Leisha may not celebrate her 'earth birthday' as much as we do!

I consider the fact that the day she trusted Christ as her Savior might be the day she celebrates.

Or the day she 'ran into heaven' - August 16th-

maybe that day is of more significance to her now than the day they placed her in my arms

And we named her Leisha Danae!

Maybe- because time in heaven is so different than on earth-

Maybe it only feels like 7 seconds since she's been there

And not the 7 long years I have labored through to find healing.

But there's more! 

She is face to face with Jesus, Son of God

Singing, serving, loving, working, welcoming, talking- you know she is talking

maybe even praying- for me, for her dad and her sisters, for her friends.

I don't know how that works.

But the thing that astonished me was that she was 'face to face' with Jesus.

I recall the words of the song "I can only imagine… what it will be like...when your face...is before me!"

As I lay there in the darkness- peace came!

The same peace I felt the afternoon I sat with her in the ambulance before they took her away

Overwhelming peace that everything that was Leisha except this beautiful shell

Had already run on to heaven.

The vibrant life I had seen moments before  was completely gone.

I knew she was with Him now.

I never was more sure of anything in my life.

I felt peace!  Now- as then!

She is with Him!

Safe!

Whole! Not broken!

Kneeling at His feet!

Complete!

I slept!

I woke later in the morning to my mom playing the piano as I fondly remember her doing all of my life.

My heart was comforted at the sound of it.

Then I realized what she was playing… and I smiled and sang along with the words I could remember....

...face to face, I shall behold Him, far beyond the starry sky;

            face to face in all His glory, I shall see Him by and by!

Vs1.Face to face with Christ, my Savior,
Face to face—what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him,
Jesus Christ who died for me.

CH. Face to face I shall behold Him,
Far beyond the starry sky;
Face to face in all His glory,
I shall see Him by and by!

Vs2. Only faintly now, I see Him,
With the darkling veil between,
But a blessed day is coming,
When His glory shall be seen.

Vs3.What rejoicing in His presence,
When are banished grief and pain;
When the crooked ways are straightened,
And the dark things shall be plain.

Vs4.Face to face! O blissful moment!
Face to face—to see and know;
Face to face with my Redeemer,
Jesus Christ who loves me so.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/963#ixzz2TBQynuQR

20 years ago today!

April 28, 1991

I can tell you what I was doing!
20 years ago today, I was experiencing the birth of our 3rd daughter.
Leisha Danae Burrus born to 12:16pm, weighing 8 lbs. 10 oz, measuring 20 1/2 inches long.
We announced her as the Major 3rd of the Burrus girls trio!

She was born on a Sunday- that just happened to be the Dedication Sunday of Calvary church's new auditorium. Her daddy was in charge of the worship team that morning- but had to leave before the service began to be present at her birth. As the people were closing the service by having a dedication of a next generation of children that will grow up in this new facility- Leisha was making her presence known to us.

Ren and I were just out there this month for a speaking engagement. We went by that church, and the hospital where Leisha & Brielle were both born. We spent time with friends that were part of our lives then and my sister and her family. When I booked that opportunity, I didn't even think about the fact that the Lord was taking me back to that place where she was born 20 years to the month earlier. I'm so grateful He knew I would need to be there- to remember- to celebrate and to grieve.

This August, it will be 5 years since she ran into heaven. As Ren said this morning, in some ways, it seems to get harder the longer it is. Our grief is more 'managable', but maybe that's part of the hard part. It seems to be every bit as strong.

But today is about celebrating her life! Because her life made a huge difference in our lives. I would love to hear if her life impacted yours! Make a comment to this blog, or send me an email.

My life was changed because since she was very young, she was clear on what she wanted. And even if it meant losing another privilege, she would do what was most important to her. For instance, she didn't like vegetable soup. We learned later that it was because all of the vegetables were touching. If we allowed her to pick out the vegetables, and seperate them on a plate- then she would eat them. But we didn't know that when she was three. She wouldn't eat it, and had already been at the kitchen counter long after the others had gone. Finally her dad, trying to teach her the importance of eating her vegetables, and partly because we ran out of options, told her he would have to spank her if she didn't finish her soup. She sat there quite a while longer, then finally got up and headed up stairs. Ren said, "Where are you going?" She calmly replied, "Upstairs to get ready for my spanking, cause I'm not going to eat that!" Ren just looked at me and said, "Now what!" I just smiled and reminded him that he made the deal. I don't think he ever used that with her again.

But I've been struck by several pictures recently. Ever since we redid her room, each of us have taken on some 'new' thing. Ren's grown his business, Cait & Brie both left for a semester abroad, and I started some course work to become certified as a life coach. Little did I know, within 4 four months, I would quit my part time job at the church and prepare to launch my own coaching practice. Ren, Caitlin and Brielle have been very support of my next step. They have been part of designing logo's & brochures and reading manuscripts, etc. But I have, from the very beginning of this venture, sensed that Leisha was part of it with me.

I'm sure I've told that story before, but she came running in one morning after worship team practice and said, "I just found out that my favorite color means my favorite word". Unsure of even her favorite color I asked what she meant. "Green means hope!" So often in the last 5 years I have grabbed up everything green I can find. I have green pens & highlighters, and calenders & mugs. I wear green alot now- never used to wear green at all. I even have a green Bible now. Haven't found the right handbag yet- but when I do, you can bet I'll be getting it. So it was quite natural for me to name my new practice, Green Hope Coaching.

This week, a coach I am working with, asked me what was pushing me to reach my dreams in my new business. I knew right away! It was Leisha's last reminder to me. That afternoon she died I was teasing her that she was so impatient to get her driver's license because she wanted 'power'. I could tell the wheels were turning behind those eyes as she pondered that. Then she said, "You know Mom, I don't want power. I want to influence. I want to say to people, 'I'm going! Come with me!" As I have pondered those words, I realize that I want to influence too! And you can't say to people, 'Come with me' if you aren't going. Not only were her words a huge push for me now in my business, but they were a dynamic influence in walking through my grief of losing her presence in my life.

Her life and her passion continue to speaks into mine. So together we move forward!

Leisha, I celebrate the day you were born! Thank you for living so intensely, so out loud!

I love you!

Mom

Today is Leisha's birthday! April 28th

I remember this day like I do the births of my other two girls- I usually begin with when the first labor pains began. Cait & Brie will say, "ok mom, what time was it when...? as if to humor my need to remember it all. But Leisha would settle in next to me and ask, "and then what did I do?"

She was born on a Sunday! It just happened to be THE Sunday that our church was dedicating a brand new sanctuary. Rennie was overseeing all the music and helping with the child dedication at the end of the service. But 45 minutes before the service began, I had to call him to tell him it was time. I couldn't wait at home anymore. And just as the church family witnessed parents dedicating their child to the Lord, Leisha made her way into our family.

It was 12:16pm! April 28, 1991.

I miss so much being able to share the story with Leisha today! I talk to her all the time- I don't know if that means I'm crazy or not, but I talk to her a lot. I just wish so much she could talk to me, in her inquisitive, sometimes demanding way. I miss those talks! I miss her dreams and her consternations. I miss her ramblings of the goings on of all her friends and her ideas of fun things they could do together.

I remember the day she came bounding in to the kitchen after a worship team rehearsal and squealed, "Mom, do you know what GREEN means! My favorite color means my favorite word! HOPE! GREEN means HOPE!"

As I ponder today, I affirm that no matter how painful her death has been and continues to be, I wouldn't give up her birth, her energy, her love for life & people, her struggle for faith & purpose, her passion for GREEN-and the hope that it represents.

I'm different because she was in my life- I'm better! Both in the miracle of her birth and the anquish of her death, I have seen God bigger and more able than I ever knew Him to be before. I understand HOPE in a way that was only hopeful thinking before.

I feel the new life of Spring with more vitality and freshness than I've ever known.

And each Spring since she died, I experience more LIFE & more HOPE.

Two years ago, on her birthday, we declared,- well, ok, I declared and the others are cooperating- 110 DAYS of GREEN! From Leisha's birthday till the anniversary of her homegoing is 110 days. So during these days, we look for all the GREEN, new life, growing hope things we can find. It's not that we don't look for those things all year round. But instead of dreading the upcoming anniversary of her death, I choose to look for the things that inspire LIFE, that empower HOPE.

I'd love for you to join us in our journey, our 110 days of GREEN! God doesn't waste anything- so LIVE with eyes wide open and see what it is God is doing in your world! Join us- Seeing GREEN HOPE in a brown world!

Happy Birthday Lei! I love you still!