I have lived Afraid

My blogging of late has been in the personal pages of my journal!  I'm sure I will share some of them at some point, but not yet.  Partly because they are still so personal, partly because I have yet to sort out what I've been thinking and experiencing.  

You can imagine some of the emotions having just had 2 daughters get married within 9 weeks of each other; experiencing empty nest like never before; standing at a threshold of 'what's next' and really longing for clarity.  

But in the mix of it all, I have come to understand something pretty significant.  
For the last 7 or 8 years, I have lived much of my life AFRAID!

I don't think I thought I was afraid, though I knew there were times when I quite easily bordered on, if not plummeted, into panic.  But I kept telling myself that I should cut myself some slack- there have been hard things that have happened, it will take time to get over it.

But...I'm getting ready to make a 'change'- a great change, but change none the less. (more on this to come!)

Did you know that CHANGE is one of the top 5 fears that people have?  The others are: 
Fear of failure, 
Fear of unworthiness, 
Fear of loss of identity, 
& Fear of Success.  

I had to admit within the last 7-8 years, I can point to a time when all of them have played a large roll.  But I'm a person that works hard to process and analyze how things are effecting me. (I'm a LIFE COACH for pity sake!)  Yet I was blown away by how so many of these messages are playing over and over in my mind & heart still. Messages that I have identified as lies and thought I had replaced with truth that I believed and could own.

Recently I was challenged to consider how the FEARS, and trauma, and painful life events have effected my physical being.  I know it has impacted me emotionally, spiritually, mentally.  But what about physical scars.  My immediate answer was that it has shown up in my weight- pretty obvious for all to see.  But...how else is it showing up.  The fact that I have Addison's Disease (google it for more info) is one factor of physical scarring.  My adrenal glands quite doing their job because of it.  I think I have much to learn yet about other ways fear has affected me. 

But I can attest to the fact, and think we can all agree, that we are designed so interconnected that our body, mind, heart and soul are all deeply impacted by things that happen in our life.  

The greatest fear I feel today isn't on the list.  Though I suppose they all play into it.  

My greatest fear (and I ask that you hold what I share with you prayerfully) is that I will once again experience a loss

 like losing Leisha-

Or leaving ministry

Of not being able to let go of a dream of being "pastor's wife"

 A young mom that I have admired for so long had brain surgery this week- I grieved- felt gut sick. I thought it was for her and her boys & her dear husband. My friend Pat helped me realize I couldn't speak of this young mom's mom.  As soon as Pat mentioned her, I broke out into tears.  My grief for the mom was actually the deeper grief.

Then this week a young woman was killed in a single car accident.  

When I heard, I felt the floor rising up- I felt my body feeling like collapsing, 

Though I stood- I was gut sick again.

Numb

Needing to cry

This young lady was 2 days older than Leisha. 

She had a painful journey in her teens, mainly through choices she had made, but she had recently made some very right choices and was honoring the Lord in her life. 

I could think only of this girl's mother.

Then of her 3 year old child.

My heart screamed "Lord, could I experience loss again and live? Loss that explodes my heart with violence so great that I can't even find all the pieces let alone put it back together again?  

So… I began to pray (granted - some of my earlier prayers regarding this were not so neat, but this is where I have come out today)

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again- the pain of losing Leisha

I still love and embrace my journey and what it has taught me.

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again-

I recognize that You, Lord were with me through it all- you never left me

You walked with me through the darkest, muddiest, deepest places.

It wasn't till I looked back that I could acknowledge you at times, but you were there.

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again

I remember the grace You gave in that moment

Grace that you are giving even now to these mothers and their families

Grace that you will give to me as I need it.

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again

I choose to believe You, to trust You to walk with me through anything.

I can love and embrace the journey ahead of me.

  

I can face the future with confidence and trust, joy and enthusiasm

Because I know I am not alone

Because I know that You have planted in me a dream

Because I know You have given me skills, abilities and a platform

Because I know that even now You are using my story to impact others

Because I know that my story will allow me to connect with these mothers and others

Because I have seen HOPE- and it is contagious!

Ah Lord God!  Thank you!

I CAN FACE THE FUTURE with GREAT HOPE!

I am not fearless- yet!

But with Your help, Lord,  I can do it afraid!

2 Corinthians 4: 6-12

For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

Why is it so hard?

...To walk away from a loss?

That was the question Pastor Randy asked me this weekend during the sermon. 

It was part of looking at the story of the children of Israel being led into captivity.  To have 'lost' their home, their identity, their traditions, their freedoms… loss after loss, divided with the 'important' people  taken and the poor and weak left behind.  We may not know 'exile' as the children of Israel- but we know loss.  We know separation.  It may be permanent loss-or may be temporary.  It make come sudden or come on slowly.  It doesn't matter if it's death, or divorce, broken relationships, loss of something precious, such as a job, or even a dream.  Loss effects us all.

Why is it so hard to walk away from a loss?

Ren & I have talked about that so often.  Since Leisha died, we now understand why some people experience a loss and never seem to be able to move forward again.  It's as if their feet get positioned in cement and to move is literally impossible.  Even though we were trying to take next steps, so often it felt as if we were in mud up past the top of our head and not only could we not step, we could not move, we could not see, we could not breathe.  That's how paralyzing it can be!

Why is it so hard to walk away from a loss?

My friend, Patty, shared with me afterward that the reason she finds it hard to move forward is that this place of grief is "the closest place to the last time I was happy".  To move forward means to walk away from our happy place. To move forward means  moving toward uncertainty, the unknown.  To something that holds only a hint of goodness- but we can't imagine it at any level.  I remember thinking 6 years ago, how can we ever be 'happy' again?  God you promised that your plans for us were for a future and a hope- ours just died… how will things ever be good again.

Yet here I stood!  6 years to the month later, so keenly aware that I was speaking as someone who was moving forward.  LEISHA'S HOPE was a huge step for us!  It felt life- giving! 

But It is hard!  When tragedy happens a core place inside of us dies.  Everything we believe about ourselves,  past, present and future are suddenly in question.  Everything we ever believed about God is now under a microscope- scrutinized by our definitions of what a 'good God' looks like if he allows this to happen in our lives.  Our confidence wavers- therefore, so does our ability to trust that we know what the next step is, even if we did have the ability to take it.

Jerry Sittser says in A Grace Disguised  that 'it can be good' again.  Life can find it's joys.  It's different than you dreamed before, but it can be good.  I can say that too- because God is good!  I know I didn't always feel that way.  There were many days I sat on His lap -beating his chest till I couldn't even breathe any more.  But in the end, the beating stopped, the tears came.  And I was still in his lap.  I fell into his chest and there found such comfort. 

I don't know what the future holds!  I wish I could say I am unafraid.  But I feel fear very strongly.  I know that God- even being good- is not safe (as they say about Aslan in Chronicles of Narnia). He definitely doesn't do his 'God thing' in the way we would often want Him too. But there is no where else I'd rather be than following Him, being carried by Him!  No matter what happens, He is the only place I will find comfort and healing, strength and courage, vision and purpose!

So...here's to that next step!  How about you? Would you go for a walk with me?