...To walk away from a loss?
That was the
question Pastor Randy asked me this weekend during the sermon.
It was part of
looking at the story of the children of Israel being led into captivity. To have 'lost' their home, their identity,
their traditions, their freedoms… loss after loss, divided with the 'important'
people taken and the poor and weak left
behind. We may not know 'exile' as the
children of Israel- but we know loss. We
know separation. It may be permanent
loss-or may be temporary. It make come
sudden or come on slowly. It doesn't
matter if it's death, or divorce, broken relationships, loss of something
precious, such as a job, or even a dream.
Loss effects us all.
Why is it so hard to walk away from
a loss?
Ren & I have
talked about that so often. Since Leisha
died, we now understand why some people experience a loss and never seem to be
able to move forward again. It's as if their feet get positioned in cement and to move is literally impossible. Even though we were trying to take next
steps, so often it felt as if we were in mud up past the top of our head and
not only could we not step, we could not move, we could not see, we could not
breathe. That's how paralyzing it can
be!
Why is it so hard to walk away from
a loss?
My friend, Patty,
shared with me afterward that the reason she finds it hard to move forward is
that this place of grief is "the closest place to the last time I was
happy". To move forward means to walk
away from our happy place. To move forward means moving toward
uncertainty, the unknown. To something
that holds only a hint of goodness- but we can't imagine it at any level. I remember thinking 6 years ago, how can we
ever be 'happy' again? God you promised
that your plans for us were for a future and a hope- ours just died… how will
things ever be good again.
Yet here I
stood! 6 years to the month later, so
keenly aware that I was speaking as someone who was moving forward. LEISHA'S HOPE was a huge step for us! It felt life- giving!
But It is hard! When tragedy happens a core place inside of
us dies. Everything we believe about
ourselves, past, present and future
are suddenly in question. Everything we
ever believed about God is now under a microscope- scrutinized by our
definitions of what a 'good God' looks like if he allows this to happen in our
lives. Our confidence wavers- therefore,
so does our ability to trust that we know what the next step is, even if we did
have the ability to take it.
Jerry Sittser says
in A Grace Disguised that 'it can be good' again. Life can find it's joys. It's different than you dreamed before, but
it can be good. I can say that too-
because God is good! I know I didn't
always feel that way. There were many
days I sat on His lap -beating his chest till I couldn't even breathe any
more. But in the end, the beating
stopped, the tears came. And I was still in
his lap. I fell into his chest and there found such comfort.
I don't know what
the future holds! I wish I could say I
am unafraid. But I feel fear very
strongly. I know that God- even being
good- is not safe (as they say about Aslan in
Chronicles of Narnia). He definitely doesn't do his 'God thing' in the way we would often want Him too. But there is no where else I'd rather be than
following Him, being carried by Him! No
matter what happens, He is the only place I will find comfort and healing,
strength and courage, vision and purpose!
So...here's to that next step! How about you? Would you go for a walk with me?
