It's one of those moments when you think you've got it all figured out- you're doing the right things- your 'above and beyond' what you should be doing- you are all right!
And then it comes at you- blaring in ways you imagine couldn't be any more obvious. You fall back on the chair, head in your hands, sometimes tears in your eyes and you realize yet again- you missed it.
TRUTH!
What's really happening in your own heart- let alone in the behaviors and attitudes of the past few months- years! It's like I should have known it all along- but I didn't. I didn't want to.
Six years ago- I walked away from a role that I had always dreamed of, a position that gave me a platform to both lift the chins of people to see the face of God and empower others to use their gifts and abilities in ministry. I didn't do it perfectly- some would say I didn't do it well. But I knew in my heart- that I was there because God made me to be there. I was willing to give ALL I had to that end. When the Lord said "let it go", it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Not because of what I was walking toward, but because of the dream that led me this point. It meant letting go of THE 'dream' as I knew it to that point - the best dream I ever had. Letting go meant not having a dream- not knowing what to dream- what He had in mind. But it was very clear. Kathy, let it go!
I spent the next year pondering what God was doing in that process- and I was quite ok with it! Until it became clear that Ren was going to 'let go' of his dream too! LORD! It was one thing for me to let go of my best dream- as long as Rennie was still a pastor. Because my other dream was to be a pastor's wife. For most of my life, that's all I wanted to be. I remember our 3rd date, it was Ren's senior year of high school. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
He looked awkward and said, "You'll laugh if I tell you!"
I said, "No I won't"(fully expecting not too!)
He replied, " I want to be a pastor!"
I did laugh! He looked at me heart struck.
I quickly responded, "I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I've always wanted to be a pastor's wife!"
Then he stopped laughing!
But now- nearly 30 years later, he's not a pastor anymore. The years since then have been such a journey! for both of us! But over the course of this time, I realized that I had built a large part of my identity on something someone else had to do. And now, no matter how bad I wanted that identity back- or how hard I tried, I couldn't MAKE it happen!
This is where the TRUTH blasted me this week.
You see- Ren has worked very hard to generate an income for our family through a small business he created called "All Things New!" It's an automotive appearance repair business and he's done a great job with it. But the more he worked on his business, the more I resisted it. The more help he needed, the more busy I became in outside things so I didn't have to help!
And in a very vivid vision this week, I realized I wanted him to fail. I wanted the business to flop so we could get back to what I wanted to be about- being a pastor's wife. That's the plain & simple of it. I hesitate to share this part of my journey here. But here it is! The ugly truth of it. I had put on my little spoiled girl shoes, dug in my heels and waited for the day I could get what I wanted.
Ugh! Rennie, I'm so sorry!
So now what?
Lord, what does this mean? I'm not sure! But I know this.
For the time being, You are growing in Rennie a new dream. It's not just about cars, but about the people he works with and for. It includes ministry- just different than we've ever known it.
Rennie, I am your wife- who loves you very much. I want to partner with you in whatever God plants in your heart to do for as long as God wills. I'm taking off my 'little spoiled girl' shoes- and I'm coming alongside you as your wife. Not an auto appearance repair man's wife!
Just you- Rennie's wife!
What's next? Lord only knows! But here's to dreaming!
I love you Ren!
