Ever since Ash
Wednesday, I've been trying to 'listen' for what it is that God is wanting to
say to me during LENT. I have assumed that it was something that He
wants me to give up- like TV or sugar or … something that would show I was
committed to him.
It's been an
emotional time! I just pushed through
some BIG weekends for me- and I feel like I'm at a starting point again. Ren
seems 'angry', like there is a rage boiling just under the surface. Friends are
struggling, other issues are 'underlying'.
Needless to say- I've felt discombobulated. (Wow! that is a real word? Spell check didn't
correct it.) I know it's spiritual battle!
I know that I'm failing miserably at 'giving up' something. But honestly, it seems like He's saying to
me- it's not so much about what you don't do- it's about what you replace it
with... ME!
This morning, I
asked the Lord for a word.
He gave me Exodus
15- the prayer that Moses led the children of Israel in when the Lord sent the
"horse and rider into the sea". It was the Red Sea time. They walked
across on dry land, the water a congealed wall on either side. I wondered how 'desperate' they had to feel-
knowing they were being chased by their former captors. Seeing a body of water that threatened their
forward movement. And then seeing the
Red Sea begin to move in ways they had never seen before- and shape walls. That couldn't have been a quiet event. The
waves, the splashing, the witnessing something that wasn't possible, yet here
it was.
Even as they passed
through the 'path that no one knew was there' (Ps 77) they had to be desperate.
What if it all collapsed as quick as it had stood tall? What if they would be consumed by the water
instead of the Egyptians? But the fear
of one drove them to take the next step into the fear of the other.
I've been
reminded today of another kind of desperation- that of a husband
desperately wishing his wife would long to have sex with him, that of a wife
desperately wishing her husband would see her beyond the sex. And yes, Ren and I struggle there, but it's
so many others in our life right now too.
Marriages that are in crisis, marriages that are ending, marriages that
are numb. Marriages that are not, nor ever have been safe places. Marriages that have long forgotten the
sparkle of freshness, of newness, of giddy, first love. These people- Ren and I - are desperate too. Desperate for more. Desperate out of fear of what might
come. Desperate out of desperation that
it might always be like this.
Lord, where is the
path? They Egyptians are chasing us -
they are right at our heels. The former
captors that beat us and used us until we were spent, taking from us all we were
only to serve their own needs, wants and desires. And ahead of us are violent waves, crashing
and churning- vowing to overwhelm and destroy us. Pain of past failure and hurt; fear, doubt & distrust clouding the
vision of today, let alone tomorrow.
Where do we turn when we feel like we've tried everything in our power
to change things - to make it better and yet it is the same? Who can you tell when you are the one people
go to - to tell, to ask for help, to unburden themselves of the pain they can
hardly bear? How do the desperate help those who are also desperate?
It feels like a
storm is coming- the winds are picking up, the waters are churning even more
than before. The spray of the water
dashing against the rocks stings my face.
Lord, why would you bring a storm into an already desperate time in
life? Why add more desperation? LORD, WHERE ARE YOU in the middle of all
this???????
Wait! Is that
a path?
