It is so hard for me to believe that this week is Thanksgiving! As I said good bye to Caitlin in August, then Brielle 2 weeks later in September, I thought it would be such a long time till I would be able to see them again! And yet- time has flown by!
Brie comes home tomorrow- just in time for Thanksgiving! Cait comes home in two weeks! I am so looking forward to throwing my arms around their necks. Don't get me wrong- having skype and being able to see their eyes and marvel at their expressions has been wonderful. But you know it's not the same!
It's not just having them home that I'm looking forward to! It's that fact that since we've been apart- so much has happened - for each of us! We're all different! They didn't just go away and be amazed by all that they saw and did. I did too! Rennie did! We've all grown and accepted challenges that we coudn't have imagined 3 months ago.
Much of my 'growth' came from my confession in my last post early in October. I will be writing more about some of that growth in the near future- but suffice it to say, I haven't written anything since then because that awareness has opened my heart, my life to a new dream that God has been planting in me! I suppose it's been there a very long time- but I had to let go of a dream- a dream I couldn't make happen anyway- that of being a pastor's wife- so that the new dream could grow. And it's growing so quickly! As if it was just waiting for me to say- ok, I'm ready!
Can't wait to tell you more about it! But for now, just know how grateful I am to feel life surging through my veins again. To see hope, in the faces of my sweet girls and my faithful husband. To know I have purpose and direction once again! It's been a long time since I've felt all three!
What a Thanksgiving we will have!
How about you? What are you grateful for today? Where do you feel life surging through your veins? I'd love to hear about it!
I'm grateful for you too! Happy Thanksgiving dear one!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Truth!
It's one of those moments when you think you've got it all figured out- you're doing the right things- your 'above and beyond' what you should be doing- you are all right!
And then it comes at you- blaring in ways you imagine couldn't be any more obvious. You fall back on the chair, head in your hands, sometimes tears in your eyes and you realize yet again- you missed it.
TRUTH!
What's really happening in your own heart- let alone in the behaviors and attitudes of the past few months- years! It's like I should have known it all along- but I didn't. I didn't want to.
Six years ago- I walked away from a role that I had always dreamed of, a position that gave me a platform to both lift the chins of people to see the face of God and empower others to use their gifts and abilities in ministry. I didn't do it perfectly- some would say I didn't do it well. But I knew in my heart- that I was there because God made me to be there. I was willing to give ALL I had to that end. When the Lord said "let it go", it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Not because of what I was walking toward, but because of the dream that led me this point. It meant letting go of THE 'dream' as I knew it to that point - the best dream I ever had. Letting go meant not having a dream- not knowing what to dream- what He had in mind. But it was very clear. Kathy, let it go!
I spent the next year pondering what God was doing in that process- and I was quite ok with it! Until it became clear that Ren was going to 'let go' of his dream too! LORD! It was one thing for me to let go of my best dream- as long as Rennie was still a pastor. Because my other dream was to be a pastor's wife. For most of my life, that's all I wanted to be. I remember our 3rd date, it was Ren's senior year of high school. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
He looked awkward and said, "You'll laugh if I tell you!"
I said, "No I won't"(fully expecting not too!)
He replied, " I want to be a pastor!"
I did laugh! He looked at me heart struck.
I quickly responded, "I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I've always wanted to be a pastor's wife!"
Then he stopped laughing!
But now- nearly 30 years later, he's not a pastor anymore. The years since then have been such a journey! for both of us! But over the course of this time, I realized that I had built a large part of my identity on something someone else had to do. And now, no matter how bad I wanted that identity back- or how hard I tried, I couldn't MAKE it happen!
This is where the TRUTH blasted me this week.
You see- Ren has worked very hard to generate an income for our family through a small business he created called "All Things New!" It's an automotive appearance repair business and he's done a great job with it. But the more he worked on his business, the more I resisted it. The more help he needed, the more busy I became in outside things so I didn't have to help!
And in a very vivid vision this week, I realized I wanted him to fail. I wanted the business to flop so we could get back to what I wanted to be about- being a pastor's wife. That's the plain & simple of it. I hesitate to share this part of my journey here. But here it is! The ugly truth of it. I had put on my little spoiled girl shoes, dug in my heels and waited for the day I could get what I wanted.
Ugh! Rennie, I'm so sorry!
So now what?
Lord, what does this mean? I'm not sure! But I know this.
For the time being, You are growing in Rennie a new dream. It's not just about cars, but about the people he works with and for. It includes ministry- just different than we've ever known it.
Rennie, I am your wife- who loves you very much. I want to partner with you in whatever God plants in your heart to do for as long as God wills. I'm taking off my 'little spoiled girl' shoes- and I'm coming alongside you as your wife. Not an auto appearance repair man's wife!
Just you- Rennie's wife!
What's next? Lord only knows! But here's to dreaming!
I love you Ren!
And then it comes at you- blaring in ways you imagine couldn't be any more obvious. You fall back on the chair, head in your hands, sometimes tears in your eyes and you realize yet again- you missed it.
TRUTH!
What's really happening in your own heart- let alone in the behaviors and attitudes of the past few months- years! It's like I should have known it all along- but I didn't. I didn't want to.
Six years ago- I walked away from a role that I had always dreamed of, a position that gave me a platform to both lift the chins of people to see the face of God and empower others to use their gifts and abilities in ministry. I didn't do it perfectly- some would say I didn't do it well. But I knew in my heart- that I was there because God made me to be there. I was willing to give ALL I had to that end. When the Lord said "let it go", it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Not because of what I was walking toward, but because of the dream that led me this point. It meant letting go of THE 'dream' as I knew it to that point - the best dream I ever had. Letting go meant not having a dream- not knowing what to dream- what He had in mind. But it was very clear. Kathy, let it go!
I spent the next year pondering what God was doing in that process- and I was quite ok with it! Until it became clear that Ren was going to 'let go' of his dream too! LORD! It was one thing for me to let go of my best dream- as long as Rennie was still a pastor. Because my other dream was to be a pastor's wife. For most of my life, that's all I wanted to be. I remember our 3rd date, it was Ren's senior year of high school. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
He looked awkward and said, "You'll laugh if I tell you!"
I said, "No I won't"(fully expecting not too!)
He replied, " I want to be a pastor!"
I did laugh! He looked at me heart struck.
I quickly responded, "I'm not laughing at you. It's just that I've always wanted to be a pastor's wife!"
Then he stopped laughing!
But now- nearly 30 years later, he's not a pastor anymore. The years since then have been such a journey! for both of us! But over the course of this time, I realized that I had built a large part of my identity on something someone else had to do. And now, no matter how bad I wanted that identity back- or how hard I tried, I couldn't MAKE it happen!
This is where the TRUTH blasted me this week.
You see- Ren has worked very hard to generate an income for our family through a small business he created called "All Things New!" It's an automotive appearance repair business and he's done a great job with it. But the more he worked on his business, the more I resisted it. The more help he needed, the more busy I became in outside things so I didn't have to help!
And in a very vivid vision this week, I realized I wanted him to fail. I wanted the business to flop so we could get back to what I wanted to be about- being a pastor's wife. That's the plain & simple of it. I hesitate to share this part of my journey here. But here it is! The ugly truth of it. I had put on my little spoiled girl shoes, dug in my heels and waited for the day I could get what I wanted.
Ugh! Rennie, I'm so sorry!
So now what?
Lord, what does this mean? I'm not sure! But I know this.
For the time being, You are growing in Rennie a new dream. It's not just about cars, but about the people he works with and for. It includes ministry- just different than we've ever known it.
Rennie, I am your wife- who loves you very much. I want to partner with you in whatever God plants in your heart to do for as long as God wills. I'm taking off my 'little spoiled girl' shoes- and I'm coming alongside you as your wife. Not an auto appearance repair man's wife!
Just you- Rennie's wife!
What's next? Lord only knows! But here's to dreaming!
I love you Ren!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Recalibrating Kingdom Moments!
This morning I didn't think I needed to stay home from church. I had every plan to go! It has been a very busy week- I've had something going everyday this week and next week is the same way. In months & years past, I would never have been able to keep up with that schedule. But recently it has felt so good to still be able to keep going - even with a busy schedule. I've been so grateful- so relieved to have some endurance. I was going to go!
But as Ren left for 1st service this morning, he yelled up at me to just stay home- to rest! I yelled back "No, I'm fine, I'll be there for 2nd service!". However, as the morning continued, I realized it wasn't my body that needed the rest- it was the rest of me! My mind and my heart needed time- time to process the many thoughts and concepts that had come into my week; time to listen to what my life was telling me! time to notice the moments when the kingdom of God was trying to break through to my world and lead me into a growing place.
Like on Tuesday, when I mentioned to Leesa at work that I was looking for an old 'farm house' table for the GREEN room upstairs. And I would need a chair for my desk too! She jumped on Craig's list and within a couple of minutes, we found a pic of a little painted table with two drop leaves that looked just the right size. It had just gone on the list that morning. So on the way home from work, I called the number and made arrangements to stop by to see it. The lady sounded so friendly, I was looking forward to the encounter.
When I drove up, the table - and one white chair to go with it- was sitting on the front lawn! The woman came out to meet me - my first thought was- Wow! She reminds me of someone! But didn't think anything more about it. We talked about the table and that they just put it up for sale today. She asked me what I wanted to do with it- so I told her. We were remodeling my daughter's room who died 4 years ago. She sighed and said, "Oh I understand- 3 years ago, our daughter's only son was killed in an accident." We had plenty to talk about at that point. Then she asked how old my daughter was- I said 15. Right away, I could tell her mind began wheeling with thoughts. Suddenly she hands came up to her cheeks in realization, and she gasped, "You're Kathy!"
My eyes got wide! 'Yes!"
She reached for me and said, "I'm Rosie!"
And just as suddenly, I realized that I did know this little woman before me!
She was Rosie, the mother of the woman who was Ren's first secretary when we moved to Ohio and he was on staff at St. John. We knew Rosie & Jack 18 years ago- their daughter, Angie wasn't at the church for very long after we came- but we knew her son, Rosie's grandson. He was pretty young then-he's just a few years older than Caitlin, so he was probably 8 or 9 when we came. But we hadn't seen any of them for a long time!
Here we stood, all these years later around a table & a chair- remembering together! grieving together! Having our souls gently massaged by the heart of another who KNOWS what it is to lose.
It was one of those moments when I sensed God taking a lot of loose ends of my life and tieing it together in his hands. I don't know what I learned from that moment- other than that He was still intimately involved with me- in my journey to furnish my special room- with a very special table! It belongs there!
There have been many other Kingdom moments this week!
Conversations with Cait about the people & places of the Bible coming alive!
or with Brie talking about 'precious moments' and loving people and loving life.
or meeting with a special group of women and hearing the 'story' of their lives as they begin to notice God's fingerprints in places they have never seen him.
or this morning, kneeling in the GREEN room before the throne of God in worship!
Ah, Lord! Thank you for the words of my husband reminding me to stop!
I SEE You!
I love you!
But as Ren left for 1st service this morning, he yelled up at me to just stay home- to rest! I yelled back "No, I'm fine, I'll be there for 2nd service!". However, as the morning continued, I realized it wasn't my body that needed the rest- it was the rest of me! My mind and my heart needed time- time to process the many thoughts and concepts that had come into my week; time to listen to what my life was telling me! time to notice the moments when the kingdom of God was trying to break through to my world and lead me into a growing place.
Like on Tuesday, when I mentioned to Leesa at work that I was looking for an old 'farm house' table for the GREEN room upstairs. And I would need a chair for my desk too! She jumped on Craig's list and within a couple of minutes, we found a pic of a little painted table with two drop leaves that looked just the right size. It had just gone on the list that morning. So on the way home from work, I called the number and made arrangements to stop by to see it. The lady sounded so friendly, I was looking forward to the encounter.
When I drove up, the table - and one white chair to go with it- was sitting on the front lawn! The woman came out to meet me - my first thought was- Wow! She reminds me of someone! But didn't think anything more about it. We talked about the table and that they just put it up for sale today. She asked me what I wanted to do with it- so I told her. We were remodeling my daughter's room who died 4 years ago. She sighed and said, "Oh I understand- 3 years ago, our daughter's only son was killed in an accident." We had plenty to talk about at that point. Then she asked how old my daughter was- I said 15. Right away, I could tell her mind began wheeling with thoughts. Suddenly she hands came up to her cheeks in realization, and she gasped, "You're Kathy!"
My eyes got wide! 'Yes!"
She reached for me and said, "I'm Rosie!"
And just as suddenly, I realized that I did know this little woman before me!
She was Rosie, the mother of the woman who was Ren's first secretary when we moved to Ohio and he was on staff at St. John. We knew Rosie & Jack 18 years ago- their daughter, Angie wasn't at the church for very long after we came- but we knew her son, Rosie's grandson. He was pretty young then-he's just a few years older than Caitlin, so he was probably 8 or 9 when we came. But we hadn't seen any of them for a long time!
Here we stood, all these years later around a table & a chair- remembering together! grieving together! Having our souls gently massaged by the heart of another who KNOWS what it is to lose.
It was one of those moments when I sensed God taking a lot of loose ends of my life and tieing it together in his hands. I don't know what I learned from that moment- other than that He was still intimately involved with me- in my journey to furnish my special room- with a very special table! It belongs there!
There have been many other Kingdom moments this week!
Conversations with Cait about the people & places of the Bible coming alive!
or with Brie talking about 'precious moments' and loving people and loving life.
or meeting with a special group of women and hearing the 'story' of their lives as they begin to notice God's fingerprints in places they have never seen him.
or this morning, kneeling in the GREEN room before the throne of God in worship!
Ah, Lord! Thank you for the words of my husband reminding me to stop!
I SEE You!
I love you!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
To my Girls!
(Brie in Rome) (Cait in Jerusalem)
I'm so grateful for you sweet girls! I'm amazed by you! Your courage and flexibility in the worlds you live in continue to inspire me! I'm so proud of you!
It's awesome to connect with you via skype, facebook or phone and learn what adventures you've been on! And I love reading your blogs- such different places and opportunities- but your responses are so true to you, to your way of thinking and wrestling with concepts and issues. And to see how you process what God is doing in it and in you- is a gift! To you- but also to me!
I pray for you daily- sometimes, each moment. I can't help thinking about you and wondering what you are seeing and doing. But I'm most excited that God is doing a work in you that you will not forget- in a place that is unfamiliar, in a language that is not your own. I pray that you recognize those KAIROS moments daily where God is seeking to break into your world and Heaven is touching earth!
I just want you to know that your courage is part of the reason I have courage for some of my next steps. Once again, I'm learning from you how to LIVE, and be stretched and continue to learn and grow. I love you! We love you! From the middle of the corn field in Ohio to the ends of the earth!
Embrace those 'take your breath away moments! No matter where you are!"
Love, Mom
Friday, September 10, 2010
Empty Nest
This morning I'm very much aware that the nest is empty! The girls are not just away- but far away! Brie landed in Rome as I was sleeping- I haven't heard from her yet. Cait is in Jerusalem, loving all that she is doing, but longing for a safe place to be alone with her thoughts!
I feel so far from them- and yet so aware of their love and gratitude for home. It's such a gift to share this journey with them, even if it is from a distance and via Skype or a long distance call. To Rome- and Jerusalem- with love!
I feel so far from them- and yet so aware of their love and gratitude for home. It's such a gift to share this journey with them, even if it is from a distance and via Skype or a long distance call. To Rome- and Jerusalem- with love!
Monday, August 30, 2010
110 Days of Green Extended
Traditionally, as of the last 3 years- our 110 days of Green would end on August 16th- the anniversary of Leisha's homegoing! But this year is different. It feels good that this year it is still going. Since I'm not always sure what we meant by 110 days of green anyway, I'm not sure what makes it keep going - but it is.
I've written that we've been working in Lei's room all summer. It's been such a good project to do together. We felt like this was something we needed to do ourselves, as a family. It's been part of our "moving on", so to speak, in the grief department. Some things were very difficult- like putting on the first coat of primer to cover the walls she painted. Other things were challenging, such as the peg board ceiling we put up- all four of us. Our differences in communication were very obvious then. But we made it. Cait spent her last few days home running the sander on the floor. Brie helped to finish off the edges. Then Cait and I stained and varnished the floor. Soooo not perfect, but it is beautiful. We finished it the weekend of the 16th. We haven't really moved anything in. We've picked out furniture- just saving up the shekels to pay for it now. It has to be the right furniture you understand!
But part of the green that is 'keeping going' has to do with all of us! It's the 'moving on' that we are all doing now that the room is done.
Praying Green for you in your brown world! Keep paying attention! It may come very unexpectedly!
I've written that we've been working in Lei's room all summer. It's been such a good project to do together. We felt like this was something we needed to do ourselves, as a family. It's been part of our "moving on", so to speak, in the grief department. Some things were very difficult- like putting on the first coat of primer to cover the walls she painted. Other things were challenging, such as the peg board ceiling we put up- all four of us. Our differences in communication were very obvious then. But we made it. Cait spent her last few days home running the sander on the floor. Brie helped to finish off the edges. Then Cait and I stained and varnished the floor. Soooo not perfect, but it is beautiful. We finished it the weekend of the 16th. We haven't really moved anything in. We've picked out furniture- just saving up the shekels to pay for it now. It has to be the right furniture you understand!
But part of the green that is 'keeping going' has to do with all of us! It's the 'moving on' that we are all doing now that the room is done.
- It's Cait going to Jerusalem University this fall to begin her Master's Degree. She returns mid December. She's there and loving it! I love what she's learning and how real the stories from the Bible are becoming to her as she walks the streets built on streets of long ago. She's written on her blog some of her first impressions. You can check it out at http://www.thebabbleithinkimean.blogspot.com.
- It's Brie getting ready for Rome, Italy. She leaves the 9th of Sept. It took her all summer to settle in at home, and now she'll be gone so far- her first overseas trip. She'll be there till Thanksgiving! She's been working on a blog- I'll post that later. Her excitement over her art and the art that she is studying is inspiring!
I've added clocks for Rome and for Jerusalem on my blog so I can always know the official time for all of us. - It's Ren exploring some dreams both with his business and his ministry. I love watching and seeing God open his heart and life to a 'new thing'.
- It's me- finally feeling some direction. I'm beginning a new class to become certified as a life coach- emphasis is life, relationship and bereavement. Pray for me! I know as I study, issues will stir up emotions in myself. But I sense it's time to pursue something I thought I would try 5 years ago. I guess my understanding of grief and life are much different than it was then- so I'm already a better qualified student than I would have been.
Praying Green for you in your brown world! Keep paying attention! It may come very unexpectedly!
Monday, August 2, 2010
What a day!
You know that day- the one you have after you've been sick and you wake up and realize you feel better than you have for a while and everything finally has a bit of sunshine on it.
I was sick this weekend- just a cold! Ren had one the week before- I could tell he didn't feel good- but he kept going! I just can't keep going! I felt miserable! Just when I felt like something good was happening- I went down.
But as I laid in my bed this weekend, I realized I used to be down all the time. I didn't necessarily feel bad like I did this weekend- but being down was my constant. Now I got so impatient just being down a couple of days! I went to work Friday feeling so-so, and I've had three days to sleep it off. I think I'll be ok tomorrow. Oh what a good feeling that is! Lord help me not take that forgranted. I know what it feels like to be sick a long time.
I have friends who can't sleep it off- they are sick, very sick! It won't go away, it won't get better. You are still God! You are still good! But when they don't feel well- it's hard to remember that You are in the sickness too! You are there! Lord, show your healing, comforting hand to my friends. Care for them! comfort them! Show yourself to them in ways they will see You! Give them hope!
I was sick this weekend- just a cold! Ren had one the week before- I could tell he didn't feel good- but he kept going! I just can't keep going! I felt miserable! Just when I felt like something good was happening- I went down.
But as I laid in my bed this weekend, I realized I used to be down all the time. I didn't necessarily feel bad like I did this weekend- but being down was my constant. Now I got so impatient just being down a couple of days! I went to work Friday feeling so-so, and I've had three days to sleep it off. I think I'll be ok tomorrow. Oh what a good feeling that is! Lord help me not take that forgranted. I know what it feels like to be sick a long time.
I have friends who can't sleep it off- they are sick, very sick! It won't go away, it won't get better. You are still God! You are still good! But when they don't feel well- it's hard to remember that You are in the sickness too! You are there! Lord, show your healing, comforting hand to my friends. Care for them! comfort them! Show yourself to them in ways they will see You! Give them hope!
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