Lessons learned from a garden!

For so many years of my life, I have LOVED the first flowers of spring- daffodils, tulips, even dandelions bring me joy.  Their bright vibrant colors and entrance into a grey brown world give energy and promise of more sun to come!

Now dandelions have never been a problem.  My huge yard covers with them as soon as the weather allows.  But in all my years of living in this house, with a huge yard that I could fill to my content, I have never taken the time to plant any of the daffodil or tulip bulbs in the fall, so that I can enjoy their beauty!

Until now!  Last fall, I determinedly bought up a couple of different kinds of bulbs, threw them in the ground and hoped that I would see some color this spring.  (Yes, there is a reason that I have not done a lot of yard work.  I'm not very good at it.)  But sure enough, earlier than expected because of the beautiful early spring we have had, those bulbs sprang up in spots of daffodil yellow and tulip shades of yellow, orange & pink.

In the middle of my very unkept flower bed (pictures don't lie) I have found GREAT JOY! I look for time to go to the window, or step outside to breathe the fresh air and behold their beauty.  What a gift they have been to a winter weary heart!

At the same time that I have been enjoying this first...I have been experiencing another.  It's an inward growth that is laboring to 'spring forward'!  It's been hard and I'm finding myself waffling between wanting to 'give up' and desperate to make it work this time.  It's part spiritual, a lot emotional, with a smack of physical, and it is taking all of me to work my way through it.

But my trips to the flowerbed have been speaking to my internal growing place.  I'm learning some valuable lessons.
     1. These bulbs were made to produce one thing. They are either daffodils or tulips.  They don't try to be something they are not.
     2. Their colors and size vary and even change as they grow and enjoy the sun's warmth and drink the rain's sweet juice.  But they remain daffodils and tulips.
     3. They don't produce all year long. Just for a season!  They will always be daffodils or tulips, but they sometimes look like a plain old ordinary bulb.

Now to a proficient gardener, I'm sure I have much to learn about the beauty of a bulb.  But to me, much of the time, I don't even notice they are in my garden.  Yet when the spring comes, when it's the right time- they are the shining stars of the garden plot.  They give life and hope and joy to my heart!

Hmmm! So many questions come to mind.
Why do I try to do so many things? at once?
What is my one thing that I was designed to do better than anyone else in my world?
Why do I work to look like something different than I am?
Why do I keep on doing and doing, when my whole being craves to rest? to take in? to lie dormant?
Why do I think I have to shine all the time?

I'm sensing deep inside this bulb of mine that something is happening!  It's not my time to SHINE yet!  But the growth that is inside is beginning to push it's way up through the cold, hard, bare ground.

This season reminds me of another 'in the ground' time.  As Jesus appeared to be an 'ordinary human'- not able to save himself on that cross.  Yet he waited!  He allowed the death to come!  He stayed! He let the death be 'official'. I've learned that the Jewish belief was that the spirit hung around a dead body for three days hoping to rejoin with it.  But on the 3rd day it waited no more!

Jesus waited!  He stayed! No one could dispute he was dead! But then, when the time was right, life bloomed again. He was dead no more!  He rose up from the ground and He could be seen.  Not to everyone at once. Not with pomp and circumstance. But just to a couple, then a few more and then a few more! He was WHO He was supposed to be WHEN He supposed to be. HE brought LIFE to all because of it! Wow!

I feel like I've been in the ground- probably for 3 years just after Leisha died. I feel like the last few months, maybe more like the last 3 years, something has been stirring within me; something has begun the growing process.   I'm beginning to see a 'bit of green growth' pushing through the soil. It's not my turn to bloom yet!  But I want to be ready!  I will do the hard work!  I will wait and stay!  Lord, only you know who I truly am and what I am to be! Help me be patient! Help me be ready for my moment to shine as you made me too! Help me be part of helping others find your LIFE that you offer!

How about you?  What lessons are you learning from your garden?  What is growing in your flowerbed? Leave a comment to tell me what kind of bulb your are.  I'd love to hear!

Come on Sunshine! Hello rain! Let's get this garden growing! Easter is coming!

Desperation!

Ever since Ash Wednesday, I've been trying to 'listen' for what it is that God is wanting to say to me during LENT.  I  have assumed that it was something that He wants me to give up- like TV or sugar or … something that would show I was committed to him. 

It's been an emotional time!  I just pushed through some BIG weekends for me- and I feel like I'm at a starting point again. Ren seems 'angry', like there is a rage boiling just under the surface. Friends are struggling, other issues are 'underlying'.  Needless to say- I've felt discombobulated.  (Wow! that is a real word? Spell check didn't correct it.) I know it's spiritual battle!  I know that I'm failing miserably at 'giving up' something.  But honestly, it seems like He's saying to me- it's not so much about what you don't do- it's about what you replace it with... ME!

This morning, I asked the Lord for a word. 

He gave me Exodus 15- the prayer that Moses led the children of Israel in when the Lord sent the "horse and rider into the sea". It was the Red Sea time. They walked across on dry land, the water a congealed wall on either side.  I wondered how 'desperate' they had to feel- knowing they were being chased by their former captors.  Seeing a body of water that threatened their forward movement.  And then seeing the Red Sea begin to move in ways they had never seen before- and shape walls.  That couldn't have been a quiet event. The waves, the splashing, the witnessing something that wasn't possible, yet here it was.

Even as they passed through the 'path that no one knew was there' (Ps 77) they had to be desperate. What if it all collapsed as quick as it had stood tall?  What if they would be consumed by the water instead of the Egyptians?  But the fear of one drove them to take the next step into the fear of the other.

I've been reminded today of another kind of desperation- that of a husband desperately wishing his wife would long to have sex with him, that of a wife desperately wishing her husband would see her beyond the sex.  And yes, Ren and I struggle there, but it's so many others in our life right now too.  Marriages that are in crisis, marriages that are ending, marriages that are numb. Marriages that are not, nor ever have been safe places.  Marriages that have long forgotten the sparkle of freshness, of newness, of giddy, first love.  These people- Ren and I - are desperate too.  Desperate for more.  Desperate out of fear of what might come.  Desperate out of desperation that it might always be like this.

Lord, where is the path?  They Egyptians are chasing us - they are right at our heels.  The former captors that beat us and used us until we were spent, taking from us all we were only to serve their own needs, wants and desires.  And ahead of us are violent waves, crashing and churning- vowing to overwhelm and destroy us.  Pain of past failure and hurt;  fear, doubt & distrust clouding the vision of today, let alone tomorrow.  Where do we turn when we feel like we've tried everything in our power to change things - to make it better and yet it is the same?  Who can you tell when you are the one people go to - to tell, to ask for help, to unburden themselves of the pain they can hardly bear? How do the desperate help those who are also desperate? 

It feels like a storm is coming- the winds are picking up, the waters are churning even more than before.  The spray of the water dashing against the rocks stings my face.  Lord, why would you bring a storm into an already desperate time in life?  Why add more desperation?  LORD, WHERE ARE YOU in the middle of all this???????

Wait!  Is that a path? 

So...I learned two new words today!!!

rec·i·proc·i·ty/ˌresəˈpräsətē/

Noun:

The practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit, esp. privileges granted by one country or organization to another.

requitedpast participle, past tense of re·quite (Verb)

Verb:

Make appropriate return for (a favor or service); reward. Avenge or retaliate for (an injury or wrong).

Ok, so they're not completely brand new to me- but felt new as Pastor Randy challenged us with them today!  They are pretty common teachings that we get in our world today.  They have to do with the phrases 'what you give is what you get!" "you get what you pay for", or "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

I've been considering it in terms of creating a business that contracts a fee for my services.  Things that I have done all my life, or tried to- I am now trying to create a living with. That sometimes means being aware of a fine line between being friend and coach.  But in either case, I am experiencing and EXPECTING that I will receive from the relationship.  As a friend, I will receive friendship in return. As a coach, I will receive payment and fulfillment from helping someone process something important to them.

Even today, I was given a 'gift' from a friend- it wasn't my birthday, it wasn't a holiday.  Just a regular day- and they blessed me with a gift that is 'perfect'.  I didn't expect it, didn't ask for it, but I received it with the blessing of a friend who saw a way to bless me!

But I've considered God's love for us!  He gave His love, his Son, knowing that we wouldn't get it- some of us never.  I mean the 'religious' people were the ones that hung Jesus on the cross!  We still do it today! Christ doesn't look like we think He should so ... we dismiss Him and what He offers!

As I've read "One Thousand Gifts", I read that everyday God gives to us GIFTS that remind of his love.  But I'm busy, or tired, or focused on other things and I don't even watch for those gifts.

UNREQUITED LOVE  "is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind."

Not only does God desire that we receive His love to us, but He is calling us to love without expecting anything back- even though the world teaches us to only give when you can get.

Unrequited Love- What does it look like to show love when we're not going to get anything back?

Can I show love with an attitude that truly desires only to move that person closer to the Lord, whether I receive anything in return- ever?  (Actually that question came from one of Randy's earlier messages!)

Lord, I sense this is a KAIROS moment for me.
(Kairos- a moment God breaks into your world.  Heaven breaks into your world)
You are using it in my life for a reason!
Help me hear you this week as I learn to love in your upside down kingdom!

I just want time to do my one life well.

Ok! If you've been following my blog- you know that I started reading "ONE THOUSAND GIFTS" during the Christmas break.  Well I'm only to chapter 4!  It takes a while to digest the thoughts on these pages.  And chapter 4 is right where I need to be today!

It starts with a J.R.R.Tolkien quote:
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Hmmm!  What do I do with my time?

I remember the words of a song
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Wow! 525,600 minutes!  Now if I had that in dollars, I would think that was a very good thing.  Yet when I think of it in time, that does not seem very long!

Especially when I sleep 8-10 hours.
Eat.
Talk on the phone to my girls or family.
Read.
Write.
Study.
Coach.
Answer emails.
Check facebook & website.
Talk on the phone.
Watch TV.
Plan.
visit friends.
go to church
work my budget
...you get the idea!
(hmmm!  I noticed that I didn't say clean or exercise.  That's sad! I'm trying to do both with more intentionality girls! I promise!)

But am I really using my time in a way that brings richness to my life.  Am I making choices that give fullness.  "Time is life.  And if I want the fullest life, I need to find the fullest time." ~Ann Voskamp

When I look back at 2011, I am really amazed!  I began the year by launching my new practice as a life & relationship coach called Green HOPE Coaching!   I knew it's what I wanted to do!  I knew the timing was right for me!  I knew God was directing my steps!

But I felt, at times during the year, that I wasn't 'getting anywhere'!  I wasn't moving fast enough! Yet as I got to the end of the year, I felt good; that I had made progress and accomplished things I wanted to accomplish.

Do I have any regrets?  Yes, I think I do!  In chapter 4, Ann V. asks the question, "What's the most profound regret in life.

Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste, I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away.

Hmmm! What am I throwing away?  Where do I choose fullness of life?  So some of those 525, 600 minutes are already past for 2012- and I have had a slow start!  What am I going to do with the rest of my time?

What are you choosing?

from a heart forever changed!!!!

So this weekend at church, the worship team led us in a new song!  A great song with great words!  I caught it right away and felt like the words were speaking my heart, as if my heart knew the words before I sang them.

I wanted to share it with you- but I couldn't find it on the internet.  That's when I realized that it was Jason's song.  Jason is our worship pastor and song writer.  He is a friend who is empowering me to worship freely and be part of leading worship once again.  I truly thought I might be 'too old' to be part of that again.  But now that my heart is ready, he is helping me get ready in other ways. Someday I'll share the tune with you- but for now- let these words encourage you to give your 'offering of praise' to the one who changed your heart forever.

OFFERING OF PRAISE by Jason Hinkle

Lord, I can’t contain it,     I wanna shout it to the world

You have changed my heart, And given out Your love so freely

And though I don’t deserve it,     Yet You gave it anyway

You offered up your life, So I could live

            CHORUS

           

            Receive this offering of praise, It’s from a heart forever changed                                                

            My life is overflowing with Your love and with Your grace

            I praise You Lord with all my heart, and tell how wonderful You are          

            I cannot help but burst in loudest song before You now

VERSE 2

   There’s not a day that passes, when I don’t think about Your Love

   You sustain my life,  and fill each day with grace and mercy

   And so with every heartbeat,     I will give myself away

   I’ll offer up my life in praise to You

(Chorus)

BRIDGE

Hallelujah!    Oh oh   You’re the One who freed my soul

Hallelujah!    Oh oh      Now I’ll let my praises flow                   

Hallelujah      Oh oh            

(Chorus)                  

   

Today I was inspired

Today I read a blog from a woman I admire!  Her name is Carrie- and this is some of what she said


"I am just like you. I am successful when I do the right things, with the right consistency at the right times. (psssst, I suspect ‘THEY’ are too!)
The inconvenient truth is that we dug out of debt one day at a time, one dollar at a time, one choice at a time. No bankruptcy or bailouts.
I dug out of my weight the same way. It’s still a battle…I yo-yo like everyone else. When I quit paying attention or make unhealthy choices, the weight comes back with a vengeance. I am working on that diligently now.
I still struggle with discouragement and confidence issues, like you. It helps when you string baby steps and small successes together.
My ‘overnight’ success online came as a result of studying people doing it right and then taking action, quickly. It came as a result of 13 years of overnights. As a result of listening to my market, putting in the hours, sacrificing TV shows and some hobbies. It came as a result of me be willing to mess up and fall on my face.
I didn’t ‘luck’ into my spouse. I chose him and he chose me back. We work DAILY on our marriage. We choose to stay.
The naked truth is that the ‘successful and highly visible’ people struggle, fail and fall…like you.
Maybe they string their failures closer together.
Maybe they choose to fail bigger and fall faster.
Maybe they put in more hours, take more classes, hang around with positive people.
Maybe they consider gym time their ‘job’ time if image is part of their paycheck.
Maybe they write 12 books to every 1 best-seller you see.
Maybe they cry in the shower, so no one sees.
Maybe they’re looking at you and thinking…I could sparkle & shine like her, if I only ________
Maybe."


Carrie!  
I love you!
I love your honesty!
I love your persistence!
I love your ability to share so transparently- and in such a way to help us translate what we are learning from you into our own stories right away!  
I love the example you have lived to keep at it.
I commit to keep at it too! 
in business
in products
in finance
in debt
in weight
in life
in hope!


Thank you Carrie!
kathy

Only ONE resolution this year!

So if you asked me what my favorite Christmas gift was this year, I would have to say a book!
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

It's not just because it was from a very special friend on a day that we enjoyed a very special meal together.  It's not just because I have wanted to read it for a while and I like the cover of the book- though I do and have for a couple of years now.  It's not because it is fresh off the presses, because it came out in 2010. It's not that the author is saying anything brand new really- I've been told these things often before. I have even had a 'gratitude journal' often in my life.

No, as I've thought about WHY this book is so special- I guess it's because of the 'timing'!

The timing of when I received it and when I started reading it.
I was ready.
My heart was ready to receive it's message.
My life was ready to be inspired by it's words and the challenge it offers.
My spirit was ready to 'begin again' in the new year to live with a grateful heart.
My eyes were ready behold the gifts that were given each day
My mouth was ready to voice my thanks.

The timing of the interview I heard with Ann this morning.
The author speaking with excitement and passion about a message given to her to share with the world.
The reminders
...that each day is a gift.
...that when we receive the gifts in each day we enter into communion with the Giver of the gifts.
...that when we take the time to notice the gifts, we wake up to the little things, slow down enough to see them.
...that when we ask "what are gifts?" we begin to see the gifts in all things- even the hard things as being from the Giver of gifts.
...that you can't feel two feelings at the same time.  You can't feel fear and thanksgiving together.
...that people who keep a gratitude journal are 25% happier.
...that when Jesus knew it was time to die- he didn't buy a ticket to go see a place he had not seen yet. He broke bread and gave thanks.
...that the only place we need to see before we die is GOD-in the here and now.

The timing of the words in the book- creative structure-
         sometimes flowing, sometimes disjointed with intentionality and yet, as if random thoughts.
               Sometimes the words spoke peace and hope and JOY, great joy.
               Other times they were painting with great detail the hardship or pain in life, in Ann's life, in mine!

But always they were pointing to the everyday gifts that we are given each day-
- things that we have most often taken for granted.
- moments that are precious yet fleeting.

As I begin this new year, my only resolution is to live each and every day GRATEFUL! To see where God is breaking into my world and to thank Him for it!

How about you?  What are you grateful for today?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!