110 Days of Green Extended

Traditionally, as of the last 3 years- our 110 days of Green would end on August 16th- the anniversary of Leisha's homegoing! But this year is different. It feels good that this year it is still going. Since I'm not always sure what we meant by 110 days of green anyway, I'm not sure what makes it keep going - but it is.

I've written that we've been working in Lei's room all summer. It's been such a good project to do together. We felt like this was something we needed to do ourselves, as a family. It's been part of our "moving on", so to speak, in the grief department. Some things were very difficult- like putting on the first coat of primer to cover the walls she painted. Other things were challenging, such as the peg board ceiling we put up- all four of us. Our differences in communication were very obvious then. But we made it. Cait spent her last few days home running the sander on the floor. Brie helped to finish off the edges. Then Cait and I stained and varnished the floor. Soooo not perfect, but it is beautiful. We finished it the weekend of the 16th. We haven't really moved anything in. We've picked out furniture- just saving up the shekels to pay for it now. It has to be the right furniture you understand!

But part of the green that is 'keeping going' has to do with all of us! It's the 'moving on' that we are all doing now that the room is done.

• It's Cait going to Jerusalem University this fall to begin her Master's Degree. She returns mid December. She's there and loving it! I love what she's learning and how real the stories from the Bible are becoming to her as she walks the streets built on streets of long ago. She's written on her blog some of her first impressions. You can check it out at http://www.thebabbleithinkimean.blogspot.com.
• It's Brie getting ready for Rome, Italy. She leaves the 9th of Sept. It took her all summer to settle in at home, and now she'll be gone so far- her first overseas trip. She'll be there till Thanksgiving! She's been working on a blog- I'll post that later. Her excitement over her art and the art that she is studying is inspiring!
  I've added clocks for Rome and for Jerusalem on my blog so I can always know the official time for all of us.
• It's Ren exploring some dreams both with his business and his ministry. I love watching and seeing God open his heart and life to a 'new thing'.
• It's me- finally feeling some direction. I'm beginning a new class to become certified as a life coach- emphasis is life, relationship and bereavement. Pray for me! I know as I study, issues will stir up emotions in myself. But I sense it's time to pursue something I thought I would try 5 years ago. I guess my understanding of grief and life are much different than it was then- so I'm already a better qualified student than I would have been.

I don't know all the next steps- but I love that it's a GREEN one for all of us! I'm ok with 365 days of GREEN a year! I guess sometimes that can happen if you've had times of brown to prepare you for the next step. As hard as they are-I see their value!
Praying Green for you in your brown world! Keep paying attention! It may come very unexpectedly!

What a day!

You know that day- the one you have after you've been sick and you wake up and realize you feel better than you have for a while and everything finally has a bit of sunshine on it.

I was sick this weekend- just a cold! Ren had one the week before- I could tell he didn't feel good- but he kept going! I just can't keep going! I felt miserable! Just when I felt like something good was happening- I went down.

But as I laid in my bed this weekend, I realized I used to be down all the time. I didn't necessarily feel bad like I did this weekend- but being down was my constant. Now I got so impatient just being down a couple of days! I went to work Friday feeling so-so, and I've had three days to sleep it off. I think I'll be ok tomorrow. Oh what a good feeling that is! Lord help me not take that forgranted. I know what it feels like to be sick a long time.

I have friends who can't sleep it off- they are sick, very sick! It won't go away, it won't get better. You are still God! You are still good! But when they don't feel well- it's hard to remember that You are in the sickness too! You are there! Lord, show your healing, comforting hand to my friends. Care for them! comfort them! Show yourself to them in ways they will see You! Give them hope!

Something's happening!!!!

Since my lessons from the closet- something's happened!

The process of getting Lei's room redone- of doing some of the hard work myself- has been opening not only my heart, but my mind, body & soul to living! Since we painted the walls in Leisha's room, I've found myself stronger and more able to sustain the daily wear and tear that used to sock me in the gut and force me to lay down more than I was up. Am I getting physically stronger? It feels like it. But more than that, the stress of the mental & emotional is becoming manageable. I'm not having to take extra meds as often to control my reactions to stress. That's what you have to do when you have Addison's disease and your adrenal glands no longer take care of that for you. I'm actually able to PUSH through things that I could not do just a few months ago.

Could it all be connected with grabbing hold of a room that once belonged to my precious girl? Or is that fact that I am beginning to 'own' more than the room.

In the process of cleaning out closets, I've also addressed some issues that were cluttering my heart- my relationships. I'm finding healing in me and in my body.

But it's not just me...it's more. It's Rennie! It's Cait and Brie!
It's finally having a dream again- all of us! It's not knowing where it will lead us yet-but it's feeling like dreaming again. Dreaming! That's hasn't happened in a long time!

I don't know what it is yet--- I just know something is happening!
I'm gonna pay close attention! It feels like hope!

Lessons from a painted closet

It was an interesting classroom- this closet of mine. I laid on it's floor looking up at the 9 foot walls.

The closet is actually the one in Leisha's old room. It's about to become - not a closet- but my 'office'! I cleaned all the treasures that were still left there. Some are waiting to be put back- some made their way to the attic. Some to Good will or friends! That was a great deal of effort for me already. So now I wondering, "Must I really give it a second coat? Would anyone notice that trim peice not touched up? Do I really care that much?"

It's not a 'normal' closet! It's odd shaped- one long rectangle with a little square tacked on at the far end. When we first moved here- there was one small door by the wall, and when you walked in- there was one long pole running about 6 feet back. And behind that was what used to be a window to the original house. They had boarded it up- but with the 3 brick layers of the original house- we now had an indention that made a great bookshelf. It's just behind the clothes. So when we moved in, we opened up the wall so we could actually get to most of the clothes- painted it all white and added a closet system that allowed us to use the book shelf too- for storage. Never did add any doors though.

But now that we don't need quite as much storage with Leisha gone and the girls at school, a friend suggested we decided to turn it into a mini office. I wondered about it at first- but as the room has progressed in design, I realized I wanted to be there- not to use the room as an office, but with my desk in the closet- the room could still be all we wanted it to be- and I could enjoy it.

I painted it "Light Raffia"- tan, in other words. The book case is "Del Coronado Tequila"- don't you love the name. It's Cream, basically, with the trim in the closet white. But it works well with our green walls in the room-and it will also be the colors of the bead board ceiling in the room.

So what does all this have to do with the lessons I've learned.
Well you see, when you are painting a closet- you are tempted to cheat a little. Once you get the clothes in and the 'stuff' stored- who's gonna know you didn't do the second coat- or touched up around the trim, or even painted the ceiling. The walls are uneven- gobbled in some places by owners long before us. Who cares! It really doesn't impact anyone-

but me!

I'll know!
Especially since it's no longer just a closet but my space. I'll always see it. I'll always notice because it will haunt me every time I walk in there. I know, because I have other places in my house that continue to taunt me for attention! Why didn't I just take care of that to begin with?

My life is like that right now. I'm in the process of trying to 'clean out some closets' in my emotional life. Places where clutter has gathered; Cob webs have grown; Dust bunnys run wildly; Or perhaps rust has begun and the damage is almost irrepairable. I know I have to dig into these places of my heart because everytime I try to take a step forward, some part of my 'closet' haunts me and pulls me back into the comfort of my ache. It does seem to become comfort after a while, even though it is painful. It's what I know! It's what I've learned to live with. OUT THERE I don't know what I'll find. I don't know if I'll be hurt again! I don't know if I'll be rejected again! I don't know if I'll experience loss again. So I stay in my closet!

But not today! Today, I've begun agian the process of clearing out some of the clutter. I'm identifying where I'm angry and how it's affecting me. I'm looking at where I need to take care of me, BEFORE I take care of others- and not be selfish in doing it. I'm experiencing a freedom that comes from facing the next hard thing- and seeing God big enough to handle that too!

And that means painting the parts of the closet know one sees but me. My dad used to tell me that character was who we are when no one was watching. So when no one will know but me, Am I willing to clean & paint the parts of me that know one ever sees. Am I willing to be 'underneath it all' who I try to be on the outside?

I want to be! I want to be cleaned out and painted thoroughly. I know there's a lot of work yet to do. But the Lord is graciously, gently making me aware of the things in life that have yet to be said, to be done!

So...I'm going back in - for another coat of paint! How about you?

The Green Room Update

Well, it's taken 3 years, 9 months, & 14 days but the walls are painted- a perfect shade of Green!

It's been such a journey to come to the place that we could begin to claim Leisha's room for anything other than her room. But even though the walls were painted a hot pink, bright yellow and blazing orange- it began to feel like a hole- a brown hole that was that was void of the life that once blared through it.

Leisha had painted the room herself the year before she died. Though I helped her some, she was the one who really labored to get the right colors and find the right sheets that she used for curtains and her bed. And she did indeed labor to paint those walls. I was reminded of that this weekend. The walls are textured plaster. And it is hard to get in all the crevices even on the second coat. I remember that I helped her with the second coat of the different colors because she was getting discouraged at getting a good coverage. I must admit- I was cursing that hot pink for the same reason as I was trying to cover it with green this time. And I did leave just a bit of the orange showing in one wall- just because it reminded me she was there.

I was so grateful that Cait was home this school year- because she literally walked me through the process of each item- is this important to me? Do I need to keep it? Can I give it to someone else? Or just take it to Goodwill? You can imagine the tears as I touched each thing- processed its worth to Leisha- to me- and made our decision. Cait would just listen as I processed and grieved. But she kept me on task- at my speed, but on task.

Then came the task of getting the right shade of green. Kim Basinger sat and listened to us one evening and helped us find not only the right "Leisha shade" of green, but also the right feel for the room. We had to prime over the bright colors- Cait got us started- putting the paintbrush to that first wall was so tough. Then Brie got home from school and began to help us put the overall room design together.

And I started painting the GREEN. Ren helped Saturday night. I knew I couldn't do it all myself- it was just too hard! So we celebrated our 31 years of marriage by painting together. I don't think we've done that very often in our 31 years. But it was good to be together remembering.

I found myself remembering so many things-
it started out bubble gum pink as 'the girls room' - they all three had twin beds in there. Don't ask me how- but it worked then.
Then we got bunk beds - which helped, but by then Cait had moved into what used to be a play room. And of course, Brie & Leisha wanted to paint it a different color. I think it was blue, yellow,pink & green that time.
Then we moved our bedroom up to the attic- so Brie moved into our room. That's when Leisha painted it the already mentioned hot pink, yellow & orange.

I remembered tearful conversations, excited dream sessions, deep thoughts, intense debates, not just with Leisha but with all three of the girls. Sometimes I was part of the conversations- sometimes I could just hear them from the floor below. And the giggles & squeals- do girls ever stop doing that? It was all so SO BIG sometimes all I could do was listen - I couldn't begin to absorb it all for the grandeur of it! But I've pondered it many times since- especially this weekend as I painted GREEN!

We have a ways to go- putting up a new ceiling- refinishing a floor- turning the closet into my office. But phase 1, 2 & 3 are done. Not sure how many phases are left- but I think the hardest is part is over, and it's already beginning to grow new life in all it's greeness!

I love the color green!

Still thinking about our wedding!

Here it is our anniversary week & Ren and I have hardly seen each. I had a speaking engagement on Thursday evening that kept me focused and Ren's been working hard to keep everything going at work. So...we're hoping to celebrate Saturday evening somehow.

But it has kept me thinking about that day we got married and all the people that made extra efforts to be there. We lived far from the school we went to in Omaha- so it was a real effort for most of our attendents to be around for it. I know my roomie ended up being in Ecuador that week and one of Ren's best friends was on a harvesting crew and couldn't get off. That was ok! We thought of them all anyway!

But since I've heard from some of 'those' who could come- whether it was to sing or to be a groomsman or bridesmaid- I thought it would be fun to post some of those pices here too. These are all people who have meant a great deal to us- and though our paths have all gone different directions- it's great to reconnect over the years.

So here's to remembering!

This was Praise Song, the group I traveled with the year before we got married. I knew I wanted them to sing before I knew anything else.

Meet Cathy Rosentrator Wagner, Mark Ellis, me, Deanna Koehn Duerkson & Rolly Walter.

Everyone thought it looks like Mark & I are getting married- I don't know why we didn't have Ren in the picture.

And here is the wedding party, Betsy Schmidt Olsen, Tim Busenitz, Cyndy Thiessen Bergmaier (my sister) me, Ren, Devin Burrus (Ren's bro), Mindy Wimberly Putmam (Ren's cousin) & Leo Reimer. Such a fun day!

Whether you stood with us that day- or have been standing with us during the past 31 years in other ways- WE ARE MOST GRATEFUL!

Thank you for your faithful friendship- even if we have not seen you in years! We're grateful for the role you have played in our lives.

Thirty ONE Years ago Today...

...and in about 2 hours- considering the time change in Texas- I married my best friend!

I say that still because I have never had a friend that has known me so completely, and still chosen to love me- over and over again!

Rennie, I'm so grateful for you! You continue to care for and listen to and work to provide a 'safe' place for me- even though I know you would rather I come with you on the next 'adventure'!

Thank you for your faithfulness to me! for your ever constant pursuit of me even when I've turned away, and for your steady love and devotion to our sweet girls!

I'm so grateful for you! And for all you are allowing God to teach you even as you keep on with what you must do!

I love you- truly I do!