Recalibrating Kingdom Moments!

This morning I didn't think I needed to stay home from church. I had every plan to go! It has been a very busy week- I've had something going everyday this week and next week is the same way. In months & years past, I would never have been able to keep up with that schedule. But recently it has felt so good to still be able to keep going - even with a busy schedule. I've been so grateful- so relieved to have some endurance. I was going to go!

But as Ren left for 1st service this morning, he yelled up at me to just stay home- to rest! I yelled back "No, I'm fine, I'll be there for 2nd service!". However, as the morning continued, I realized it wasn't my body that needed the rest- it was the rest of me! My mind and my heart needed time- time to process the many thoughts and concepts that had come into my week; time to listen to what my life was telling me! time to notice the moments when the kingdom of God was trying to break through to my world and lead me into a growing place.

Like on Tuesday, when I mentioned to Leesa at work that I was looking for an old 'farm house' table for the GREEN room upstairs. And I would need a chair for my desk too! She jumped on Craig's list and within a couple of minutes, we found a pic of a little painted table with two drop leaves that looked just the right size. It had just gone on the list that morning. So on the way home from work, I called the number and made arrangements to stop by to see it. The lady sounded so friendly, I was looking forward to the encounter.

When I drove up, the table - and one white chair to go with it- was sitting on the front lawn! The woman came out to meet me - my first thought was- Wow! She reminds me of someone! But didn't think anything more about it. We talked about the table and that they just put it up for sale today. She asked me what I wanted to do with it- so I told her. We were remodeling my daughter's room who died 4 years ago. She sighed and said, "Oh I understand- 3 years ago, our daughter's only son was killed in an accident." We had plenty to talk about at that point. Then she asked how old my daughter was- I said 15. Right away, I could tell her mind began wheeling with thoughts. Suddenly she hands came up to her cheeks in realization, and she gasped, "You're Kathy!"
My eyes got wide! 'Yes!"
She reached for me and said, "I'm Rosie!"
And just as suddenly, I realized that I did know this little woman before me!
She was Rosie, the mother of the woman who was Ren's first secretary when we moved to Ohio and he was on staff at St. John. We knew Rosie & Jack 18 years ago- their daughter, Angie wasn't at the church for very long after we came- but we knew her son, Rosie's grandson. He was pretty young then-he's just a few years older than Caitlin, so he was probably 8 or 9 when we came. But we hadn't seen any of them for a long time!

Here we stood, all these years later around a table & a chair- remembering together! grieving together! Having our souls gently massaged by the heart of another who KNOWS what it is to lose.

It was one of those moments when I sensed God taking a lot of loose ends of my life and tieing it together in his hands. I don't know what I learned from that moment- other than that He was still intimately involved with me- in my journey to furnish my special room- with a very special table! It belongs there!

There have been many other Kingdom moments this week!
Conversations with Cait about the people & places of the Bible coming alive!
or with Brie talking about 'precious moments' and loving people and loving life.
or meeting with a special group of women and hearing the 'story' of their lives as they begin to notice God's fingerprints in places they have never seen him.

or this morning, kneeling in the GREEN room before the throne of God in worship!
Ah, Lord! Thank you for the words of my husband reminding me to stop!
I SEE You!
I love you!

To my Girls!

(Brie in Rome) (Cait in Jerusalem)

I'm so grateful for you sweet girls! I'm amazed by you! Your courage and flexibility in the worlds you live in continue to inspire me! I'm so proud of you!

It's awesome to connect with you via skype, facebook or phone and learn what adventures you've been on! And I love reading your blogs- such different places and opportunities- but your responses are so true to you, to your way of thinking and wrestling with concepts and issues. And to see how you process what God is doing in it and in you- is a gift! To you- but also to me!

I pray for you daily- sometimes, each moment. I can't help thinking about you and wondering what you are seeing and doing. But I'm most excited that God is doing a work in you that you will not forget- in a place that is unfamiliar, in a language that is not your own. I pray that you recognize those KAIROS moments daily where God is seeking to break into your world and Heaven is touching earth!

I just want you to know that your courage is part of the reason I have courage for some of my next steps. Once again, I'm learning from you how to LIVE, and be stretched and continue to learn and grow. I love you! We love you! From the middle of the corn field in Ohio to the ends of the earth!
Embrace those 'take your breath away moments! No matter where you are!"
Love, Mom

Empty Nest

This morning I'm very much aware that the nest is empty! The girls are not just away- but far away! Brie landed in Rome as I was sleeping- I haven't heard from her yet. Cait is in Jerusalem, loving all that she is doing, but longing for a safe place to be alone with her thoughts!

I feel so far from them- and yet so aware of their love and gratitude for home. It's such a gift to share this journey with them, even if it is from a distance and via Skype or a long distance call. To Rome- and Jerusalem- with love!

110 Days of Green Extended

Traditionally, as of the last 3 years- our 110 days of Green would end on August 16th- the anniversary of Leisha's homegoing! But this year is different. It feels good that this year it is still going. Since I'm not always sure what we meant by 110 days of green anyway, I'm not sure what makes it keep going - but it is.

I've written that we've been working in Lei's room all summer. It's been such a good project to do together. We felt like this was something we needed to do ourselves, as a family. It's been part of our "moving on", so to speak, in the grief department. Some things were very difficult- like putting on the first coat of primer to cover the walls she painted. Other things were challenging, such as the peg board ceiling we put up- all four of us. Our differences in communication were very obvious then. But we made it. Cait spent her last few days home running the sander on the floor. Brie helped to finish off the edges. Then Cait and I stained and varnished the floor. Soooo not perfect, but it is beautiful. We finished it the weekend of the 16th. We haven't really moved anything in. We've picked out furniture- just saving up the shekels to pay for it now. It has to be the right furniture you understand!

But part of the green that is 'keeping going' has to do with all of us! It's the 'moving on' that we are all doing now that the room is done.

• It's Cait going to Jerusalem University this fall to begin her Master's Degree. She returns mid December. She's there and loving it! I love what she's learning and how real the stories from the Bible are becoming to her as she walks the streets built on streets of long ago. She's written on her blog some of her first impressions. You can check it out at http://www.thebabbleithinkimean.blogspot.com.
• It's Brie getting ready for Rome, Italy. She leaves the 9th of Sept. It took her all summer to settle in at home, and now she'll be gone so far- her first overseas trip. She'll be there till Thanksgiving! She's been working on a blog- I'll post that later. Her excitement over her art and the art that she is studying is inspiring!
  I've added clocks for Rome and for Jerusalem on my blog so I can always know the official time for all of us.
• It's Ren exploring some dreams both with his business and his ministry. I love watching and seeing God open his heart and life to a 'new thing'.
• It's me- finally feeling some direction. I'm beginning a new class to become certified as a life coach- emphasis is life, relationship and bereavement. Pray for me! I know as I study, issues will stir up emotions in myself. But I sense it's time to pursue something I thought I would try 5 years ago. I guess my understanding of grief and life are much different than it was then- so I'm already a better qualified student than I would have been.

I don't know all the next steps- but I love that it's a GREEN one for all of us! I'm ok with 365 days of GREEN a year! I guess sometimes that can happen if you've had times of brown to prepare you for the next step. As hard as they are-I see their value!
Praying Green for you in your brown world! Keep paying attention! It may come very unexpectedly!

What a day!

You know that day- the one you have after you've been sick and you wake up and realize you feel better than you have for a while and everything finally has a bit of sunshine on it.

I was sick this weekend- just a cold! Ren had one the week before- I could tell he didn't feel good- but he kept going! I just can't keep going! I felt miserable! Just when I felt like something good was happening- I went down.

But as I laid in my bed this weekend, I realized I used to be down all the time. I didn't necessarily feel bad like I did this weekend- but being down was my constant. Now I got so impatient just being down a couple of days! I went to work Friday feeling so-so, and I've had three days to sleep it off. I think I'll be ok tomorrow. Oh what a good feeling that is! Lord help me not take that forgranted. I know what it feels like to be sick a long time.

I have friends who can't sleep it off- they are sick, very sick! It won't go away, it won't get better. You are still God! You are still good! But when they don't feel well- it's hard to remember that You are in the sickness too! You are there! Lord, show your healing, comforting hand to my friends. Care for them! comfort them! Show yourself to them in ways they will see You! Give them hope!

Something's happening!!!!

Since my lessons from the closet- something's happened!

The process of getting Lei's room redone- of doing some of the hard work myself- has been opening not only my heart, but my mind, body & soul to living! Since we painted the walls in Leisha's room, I've found myself stronger and more able to sustain the daily wear and tear that used to sock me in the gut and force me to lay down more than I was up. Am I getting physically stronger? It feels like it. But more than that, the stress of the mental & emotional is becoming manageable. I'm not having to take extra meds as often to control my reactions to stress. That's what you have to do when you have Addison's disease and your adrenal glands no longer take care of that for you. I'm actually able to PUSH through things that I could not do just a few months ago.

Could it all be connected with grabbing hold of a room that once belonged to my precious girl? Or is that fact that I am beginning to 'own' more than the room.

In the process of cleaning out closets, I've also addressed some issues that were cluttering my heart- my relationships. I'm finding healing in me and in my body.

But it's not just me...it's more. It's Rennie! It's Cait and Brie!
It's finally having a dream again- all of us! It's not knowing where it will lead us yet-but it's feeling like dreaming again. Dreaming! That's hasn't happened in a long time!

I don't know what it is yet--- I just know something is happening!
I'm gonna pay close attention! It feels like hope!

Lessons from a painted closet

It was an interesting classroom- this closet of mine. I laid on it's floor looking up at the 9 foot walls.

The closet is actually the one in Leisha's old room. It's about to become - not a closet- but my 'office'! I cleaned all the treasures that were still left there. Some are waiting to be put back- some made their way to the attic. Some to Good will or friends! That was a great deal of effort for me already. So now I wondering, "Must I really give it a second coat? Would anyone notice that trim peice not touched up? Do I really care that much?"

It's not a 'normal' closet! It's odd shaped- one long rectangle with a little square tacked on at the far end. When we first moved here- there was one small door by the wall, and when you walked in- there was one long pole running about 6 feet back. And behind that was what used to be a window to the original house. They had boarded it up- but with the 3 brick layers of the original house- we now had an indention that made a great bookshelf. It's just behind the clothes. So when we moved in, we opened up the wall so we could actually get to most of the clothes- painted it all white and added a closet system that allowed us to use the book shelf too- for storage. Never did add any doors though.

But now that we don't need quite as much storage with Leisha gone and the girls at school, a friend suggested we decided to turn it into a mini office. I wondered about it at first- but as the room has progressed in design, I realized I wanted to be there- not to use the room as an office, but with my desk in the closet- the room could still be all we wanted it to be- and I could enjoy it.

I painted it "Light Raffia"- tan, in other words. The book case is "Del Coronado Tequila"- don't you love the name. It's Cream, basically, with the trim in the closet white. But it works well with our green walls in the room-and it will also be the colors of the bead board ceiling in the room.

So what does all this have to do with the lessons I've learned.
Well you see, when you are painting a closet- you are tempted to cheat a little. Once you get the clothes in and the 'stuff' stored- who's gonna know you didn't do the second coat- or touched up around the trim, or even painted the ceiling. The walls are uneven- gobbled in some places by owners long before us. Who cares! It really doesn't impact anyone-

but me!

I'll know!
Especially since it's no longer just a closet but my space. I'll always see it. I'll always notice because it will haunt me every time I walk in there. I know, because I have other places in my house that continue to taunt me for attention! Why didn't I just take care of that to begin with?

My life is like that right now. I'm in the process of trying to 'clean out some closets' in my emotional life. Places where clutter has gathered; Cob webs have grown; Dust bunnys run wildly; Or perhaps rust has begun and the damage is almost irrepairable. I know I have to dig into these places of my heart because everytime I try to take a step forward, some part of my 'closet' haunts me and pulls me back into the comfort of my ache. It does seem to become comfort after a while, even though it is painful. It's what I know! It's what I've learned to live with. OUT THERE I don't know what I'll find. I don't know if I'll be hurt again! I don't know if I'll be rejected again! I don't know if I'll experience loss again. So I stay in my closet!

But not today! Today, I've begun agian the process of clearing out some of the clutter. I'm identifying where I'm angry and how it's affecting me. I'm looking at where I need to take care of me, BEFORE I take care of others- and not be selfish in doing it. I'm experiencing a freedom that comes from facing the next hard thing- and seeing God big enough to handle that too!

And that means painting the parts of the closet know one sees but me. My dad used to tell me that character was who we are when no one was watching. So when no one will know but me, Am I willing to clean & paint the parts of me that know one ever sees. Am I willing to be 'underneath it all' who I try to be on the outside?

I want to be! I want to be cleaned out and painted thoroughly. I know there's a lot of work yet to do. But the Lord is graciously, gently making me aware of the things in life that have yet to be said, to be done!

So...I'm going back in - for another coat of paint! How about you?