Desperation!

Ever since Ash Wednesday, I've been trying to 'listen' for what it is that God is wanting to say to me during LENT.  I  have assumed that it was something that He wants me to give up- like TV or sugar or … something that would show I was committed to him. 

It's been an emotional time!  I just pushed through some BIG weekends for me- and I feel like I'm at a starting point again. Ren seems 'angry', like there is a rage boiling just under the surface. Friends are struggling, other issues are 'underlying'.  Needless to say- I've felt discombobulated.  (Wow! that is a real word? Spell check didn't correct it.) I know it's spiritual battle!  I know that I'm failing miserably at 'giving up' something.  But honestly, it seems like He's saying to me- it's not so much about what you don't do- it's about what you replace it with... ME!

This morning, I asked the Lord for a word. 

He gave me Exodus 15- the prayer that Moses led the children of Israel in when the Lord sent the "horse and rider into the sea". It was the Red Sea time. They walked across on dry land, the water a congealed wall on either side.  I wondered how 'desperate' they had to feel- knowing they were being chased by their former captors.  Seeing a body of water that threatened their forward movement.  And then seeing the Red Sea begin to move in ways they had never seen before- and shape walls.  That couldn't have been a quiet event. The waves, the splashing, the witnessing something that wasn't possible, yet here it was.

Even as they passed through the 'path that no one knew was there' (Ps 77) they had to be desperate. What if it all collapsed as quick as it had stood tall?  What if they would be consumed by the water instead of the Egyptians?  But the fear of one drove them to take the next step into the fear of the other.

I've been reminded today of another kind of desperation- that of a husband desperately wishing his wife would long to have sex with him, that of a wife desperately wishing her husband would see her beyond the sex.  And yes, Ren and I struggle there, but it's so many others in our life right now too.  Marriages that are in crisis, marriages that are ending, marriages that are numb. Marriages that are not, nor ever have been safe places.  Marriages that have long forgotten the sparkle of freshness, of newness, of giddy, first love.  These people- Ren and I - are desperate too.  Desperate for more.  Desperate out of fear of what might come.  Desperate out of desperation that it might always be like this.

Lord, where is the path?  They Egyptians are chasing us - they are right at our heels.  The former captors that beat us and used us until we were spent, taking from us all we were only to serve their own needs, wants and desires.  And ahead of us are violent waves, crashing and churning- vowing to overwhelm and destroy us.  Pain of past failure and hurt;  fear, doubt & distrust clouding the vision of today, let alone tomorrow.  Where do we turn when we feel like we've tried everything in our power to change things - to make it better and yet it is the same?  Who can you tell when you are the one people go to - to tell, to ask for help, to unburden themselves of the pain they can hardly bear? How do the desperate help those who are also desperate? 

It feels like a storm is coming- the winds are picking up, the waters are churning even more than before.  The spray of the water dashing against the rocks stings my face.  Lord, why would you bring a storm into an already desperate time in life?  Why add more desperation?  LORD, WHERE ARE YOU in the middle of all this???????

Wait!  Is that a path? 

So...I learned two new words today!!!

rec·i·proc·i·ty/ˌresəˈpräsətē/

Noun:

The practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit, esp. privileges granted by one country or organization to another.

requitedpast participle, past tense of re·quite (Verb)

Verb:

Make appropriate return for (a favor or service); reward. Avenge or retaliate for (an injury or wrong).

Ok, so they're not completely brand new to me- but felt new as Pastor Randy challenged us with them today!  They are pretty common teachings that we get in our world today.  They have to do with the phrases 'what you give is what you get!" "you get what you pay for", or "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

I've been considering it in terms of creating a business that contracts a fee for my services.  Things that I have done all my life, or tried to- I am now trying to create a living with. That sometimes means being aware of a fine line between being friend and coach.  But in either case, I am experiencing and EXPECTING that I will receive from the relationship.  As a friend, I will receive friendship in return. As a coach, I will receive payment and fulfillment from helping someone process something important to them.

Even today, I was given a 'gift' from a friend- it wasn't my birthday, it wasn't a holiday.  Just a regular day- and they blessed me with a gift that is 'perfect'.  I didn't expect it, didn't ask for it, but I received it with the blessing of a friend who saw a way to bless me!

But I've considered God's love for us!  He gave His love, his Son, knowing that we wouldn't get it- some of us never.  I mean the 'religious' people were the ones that hung Jesus on the cross!  We still do it today! Christ doesn't look like we think He should so ... we dismiss Him and what He offers!

As I've read "One Thousand Gifts", I read that everyday God gives to us GIFTS that remind of his love.  But I'm busy, or tired, or focused on other things and I don't even watch for those gifts.

UNREQUITED LOVE  "is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind."

Not only does God desire that we receive His love to us, but He is calling us to love without expecting anything back- even though the world teaches us to only give when you can get.

Unrequited Love- What does it look like to show love when we're not going to get anything back?

Can I show love with an attitude that truly desires only to move that person closer to the Lord, whether I receive anything in return- ever?  (Actually that question came from one of Randy's earlier messages!)

Lord, I sense this is a KAIROS moment for me.
(Kairos- a moment God breaks into your world.  Heaven breaks into your world)
You are using it in my life for a reason!
Help me hear you this week as I learn to love in your upside down kingdom!

I just want time to do my one life well.

Ok! If you've been following my blog- you know that I started reading "ONE THOUSAND GIFTS" during the Christmas break.  Well I'm only to chapter 4!  It takes a while to digest the thoughts on these pages.  And chapter 4 is right where I need to be today!

It starts with a J.R.R.Tolkien quote:
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

Hmmm!  What do I do with my time?

I remember the words of a song
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand moments so dear
Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Wow! 525,600 minutes!  Now if I had that in dollars, I would think that was a very good thing.  Yet when I think of it in time, that does not seem very long!

Especially when I sleep 8-10 hours.
Eat.
Talk on the phone to my girls or family.
Read.
Write.
Study.
Coach.
Answer emails.
Check facebook & website.
Talk on the phone.
Watch TV.
Plan.
visit friends.
go to church
work my budget
...you get the idea!
(hmmm!  I noticed that I didn't say clean or exercise.  That's sad! I'm trying to do both with more intentionality girls! I promise!)

But am I really using my time in a way that brings richness to my life.  Am I making choices that give fullness.  "Time is life.  And if I want the fullest life, I need to find the fullest time." ~Ann Voskamp

When I look back at 2011, I am really amazed!  I began the year by launching my new practice as a life & relationship coach called Green HOPE Coaching!   I knew it's what I wanted to do!  I knew the timing was right for me!  I knew God was directing my steps!

But I felt, at times during the year, that I wasn't 'getting anywhere'!  I wasn't moving fast enough! Yet as I got to the end of the year, I felt good; that I had made progress and accomplished things I wanted to accomplish.

Do I have any regrets?  Yes, I think I do!  In chapter 4, Ann V. asks the question, "What's the most profound regret in life.

Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste, I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away.

Hmmm! What am I throwing away?  Where do I choose fullness of life?  So some of those 525, 600 minutes are already past for 2012- and I have had a slow start!  What am I going to do with the rest of my time?

What are you choosing?

from a heart forever changed!!!!

So this weekend at church, the worship team led us in a new song!  A great song with great words!  I caught it right away and felt like the words were speaking my heart, as if my heart knew the words before I sang them.

I wanted to share it with you- but I couldn't find it on the internet.  That's when I realized that it was Jason's song.  Jason is our worship pastor and song writer.  He is a friend who is empowering me to worship freely and be part of leading worship once again.  I truly thought I might be 'too old' to be part of that again.  But now that my heart is ready, he is helping me get ready in other ways. Someday I'll share the tune with you- but for now- let these words encourage you to give your 'offering of praise' to the one who changed your heart forever.

OFFERING OF PRAISE by Jason Hinkle

Lord, I can’t contain it,     I wanna shout it to the world

You have changed my heart, And given out Your love so freely

And though I don’t deserve it,     Yet You gave it anyway

You offered up your life, So I could live

            CHORUS

           

            Receive this offering of praise, It’s from a heart forever changed                                                

            My life is overflowing with Your love and with Your grace

            I praise You Lord with all my heart, and tell how wonderful You are          

            I cannot help but burst in loudest song before You now

VERSE 2

   There’s not a day that passes, when I don’t think about Your Love

   You sustain my life,  and fill each day with grace and mercy

   And so with every heartbeat,     I will give myself away

   I’ll offer up my life in praise to You

(Chorus)

BRIDGE

Hallelujah!    Oh oh   You’re the One who freed my soul

Hallelujah!    Oh oh      Now I’ll let my praises flow                   

Hallelujah      Oh oh            

(Chorus)                  

   

Today I was inspired

Today I read a blog from a woman I admire!  Her name is Carrie- and this is some of what she said


"I am just like you. I am successful when I do the right things, with the right consistency at the right times. (psssst, I suspect ‘THEY’ are too!)
The inconvenient truth is that we dug out of debt one day at a time, one dollar at a time, one choice at a time. No bankruptcy or bailouts.
I dug out of my weight the same way. It’s still a battle…I yo-yo like everyone else. When I quit paying attention or make unhealthy choices, the weight comes back with a vengeance. I am working on that diligently now.
I still struggle with discouragement and confidence issues, like you. It helps when you string baby steps and small successes together.
My ‘overnight’ success online came as a result of studying people doing it right and then taking action, quickly. It came as a result of 13 years of overnights. As a result of listening to my market, putting in the hours, sacrificing TV shows and some hobbies. It came as a result of me be willing to mess up and fall on my face.
I didn’t ‘luck’ into my spouse. I chose him and he chose me back. We work DAILY on our marriage. We choose to stay.
The naked truth is that the ‘successful and highly visible’ people struggle, fail and fall…like you.
Maybe they string their failures closer together.
Maybe they choose to fail bigger and fall faster.
Maybe they put in more hours, take more classes, hang around with positive people.
Maybe they consider gym time their ‘job’ time if image is part of their paycheck.
Maybe they write 12 books to every 1 best-seller you see.
Maybe they cry in the shower, so no one sees.
Maybe they’re looking at you and thinking…I could sparkle & shine like her, if I only ________
Maybe."


Carrie!  
I love you!
I love your honesty!
I love your persistence!
I love your ability to share so transparently- and in such a way to help us translate what we are learning from you into our own stories right away!  
I love the example you have lived to keep at it.
I commit to keep at it too! 
in business
in products
in finance
in debt
in weight
in life
in hope!


Thank you Carrie!
kathy

Only ONE resolution this year!

So if you asked me what my favorite Christmas gift was this year, I would have to say a book!
One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

It's not just because it was from a very special friend on a day that we enjoyed a very special meal together.  It's not just because I have wanted to read it for a while and I like the cover of the book- though I do and have for a couple of years now.  It's not because it is fresh off the presses, because it came out in 2010. It's not that the author is saying anything brand new really- I've been told these things often before. I have even had a 'gratitude journal' often in my life.

No, as I've thought about WHY this book is so special- I guess it's because of the 'timing'!

The timing of when I received it and when I started reading it.
I was ready.
My heart was ready to receive it's message.
My life was ready to be inspired by it's words and the challenge it offers.
My spirit was ready to 'begin again' in the new year to live with a grateful heart.
My eyes were ready behold the gifts that were given each day
My mouth was ready to voice my thanks.

The timing of the interview I heard with Ann this morning.
The author speaking with excitement and passion about a message given to her to share with the world.
The reminders
...that each day is a gift.
...that when we receive the gifts in each day we enter into communion with the Giver of the gifts.
...that when we take the time to notice the gifts, we wake up to the little things, slow down enough to see them.
...that when we ask "what are gifts?" we begin to see the gifts in all things- even the hard things as being from the Giver of gifts.
...that you can't feel two feelings at the same time.  You can't feel fear and thanksgiving together.
...that people who keep a gratitude journal are 25% happier.
...that when Jesus knew it was time to die- he didn't buy a ticket to go see a place he had not seen yet. He broke bread and gave thanks.
...that the only place we need to see before we die is GOD-in the here and now.

The timing of the words in the book- creative structure-
         sometimes flowing, sometimes disjointed with intentionality and yet, as if random thoughts.
               Sometimes the words spoke peace and hope and JOY, great joy.
               Other times they were painting with great detail the hardship or pain in life, in Ann's life, in mine!

But always they were pointing to the everyday gifts that we are given each day-
- things that we have most often taken for granted.
- moments that are precious yet fleeting.

As I begin this new year, my only resolution is to live each and every day GRATEFUL! To see where God is breaking into my world and to thank Him for it!

How about you?  What are you grateful for today?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Doubt? or Wonder?

Well, this is the blog that took a long time for me to write!  I thought it would be easy.  I know a lot about Mary- don't we talk about her every year at Christmas.  Yet, I couldn't formulate what I might 'write' about her this week.  Sometimes it feels like when Leisha died- so did everything I ever knew.  I'm a new learner at so many things that it seems should be old knowledge for me.  But in many ways, that's not all bad.  I'm enjoying digging in and learning  

Thursday, I read through Luke 1 several times, pondering what it must have been like to behold Gabriel, to hear his message and to try to wrap her head around all that Gabe was telling Mary.

Friday, the book I am using through advent presented me with the story of Joseph hearing the news himself and his response to Mary.  You know, it's one thing to deal with your own emotions about something like this- but to deal with the emotions of the man you are to marry- when you are carrying a child that is not his!  Wow!  I wonder if she thought what Joseph's response would be when she humbly said to Gabriel that night "may it be to me as you have said."

Saturday and Sunday, I was on the worship team at church.  It's amazing how clearly God speaks through a service when you hear it three times.  And I sat in the service all three times because they wanted the instruments to stay in position.  So I'm pretty much sitting in the music and Barb's message thoroughly engrossed in what God was saying to me in it.  And it was totally focused on Mary!

So ... I've been pondering a couple of thoughts since then.

When Gabriel said to Mary "Hail Favored One!" she was only 12-14 years old.  A true nobody in that culture. When I think being 12-14 year olds, I realized that I was just becoming aware of things beyond myself about then.  I watched my girls make some significant decisions about what what important to them about that time.  I'm sure Mary's parents had spoken to her about life issues that she would be experiencing in the next few years.  She was already engaged to Joseph, so I can imagine that Mary was beginning to 'grow up' in many ways about this time. But could she really have imagined something like Gabriel happening just now.  How does a parent prepare a child for that?  How does a child know how to respond in such a moment?

It's not like she didn't know how babies were born- she did.  She even says, "but I haven't been with a man."  It's a response similar to Zechariah's and yet...! Zechariah had years of being aware of God at work, that God is and does what He says He is and does. Yet in his moment in the Holy place, even then he asks for proof that God could do this.  "How can I be sure...?"

Mary's question was the honest, simple response of young woman just becoming aware of God's ability to work in her own life, and not just in her parent's. It wasn't 'doubt' as much as it was 'wonder'!  How will this happen?

The other thought that was spurred by Barb's message this weekend was that Mary could have said NO!  She could have become so afraid that she ran and hide from Gabriel and from what God was going to do.  She could have freaked out that something like this would make her 'look bad' and refused to have anything to do with it. She could have CLOSED herself to His work in her life.

If she had, would God have chosen another young girl for this important role?  Or did God chose her because her heart was already open to Him.  I know that I, sometimes, sense God putting a message in my life over and over, in one way and another.  And it seems He is preparing me for something that comes later.  Did He prepare her in other ways before this moment?  We don't know, scripture doesn't tell us about her before this moment.

At first she was afraid- wouldn't you be?  No matter how old you are- an angel appearing before you is bound to make your blood pressure rise. But her response was simple, child like.  "I am the Lord's servant (bondslave)."  Was this a culmination of messages that she had heard in her soul that resulted in her immediate, "may it be to me as you have said.?"

I guess any further speculation would be just that- speculation.  But like Mary, the questions are there for my life and yours.

What is God saying to you?
What is He preparing you for?
Are you open to hearing from Him?
Are you open to responding to Him, immediately, not doubt, but in wonder?
Are you willing to live life in the 'messy' if that's what God asks of you?

The music from the weekend worship gathering was powerful in my life this week.  But one song in particular really stood out as I asked myself those same questions. I include it here!

May He BE BORN IN ME today!