Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm SO Angry!

Have you ever had one of those times when the strength of your emotion was so great that it overwhelmed you and sent tears rolling down your cheeks and goosebumps up your arms?  You know those times:

  • when you are holding your new little one in your arms and look deep into their eyes and it's as if they can see deep into yours.  
  • Or when you are wrapped in your lover's arms and he looks at you with sweet tenderness and says "I'd marry you all over again!"  And you know he would- and you would too!
  • Or your adult kid comes home and says 'thank you for everything' and you know they mean it with all of their heart!  
Well, I've had one of those weeks!  But it wasn't any of those things!  In fact, it was a week of intense angry emotions.  You must know that weeks like these are rare for me.  Oh, I get emotional- intensely emotional about a lot of things, but I'm not typically an angry person.  It takes a lot for me to get angry and even more for me to discuss that anger with someone else.  So the fact that I'm writing about it here- it was a big deal!

It wasn't that things were going bad- in fact, things were going well.  

Business is good! They guys that are working with Ren have been such a help and I've enjoyed getting in on the action a couple of mornings a week this summer.  It's amazing to see all they do in a day! 

Brie & Jason came home for the weekend and we really enjoyed having some relaxed time with Brie- just being together.

I was on the worship team the last two weekends.  There's not much I love more than being with a group of people that are worshiping as they lead others in worship.  It is life-giving!

Ren spoke two weekends at Crossroads (July 8 & 15- you can listen to the podcasts at under the Media tab) It was great to see him preach again- not just hear him.  Because I SAW him being confident of his message.  I SAW him engaging more relationally with the people than ever before.  I SAW his eyes filled with energy and sparkle.  He loved it again!  It's been a long time coming. 

But when the weekend was over- I felt so angry.  I went for a walk that evening after the kids left and I could tell that with each step was a STOMP!  I was STOMPING down the lane with great agitation. Why am I mad?  Why do I feel this way?  Things are going well, aren't they?

...aren't they?

At first, I blamed Rennie for my anger.  I'm mad because I'm afraid he's not listening close enough to the Lord and what if God calls him to preach again and he misses it- what if we're stuck in this limbo forever.  Now don't get me wrong.  I really am ok with Ren fixin' cars for the rest of his life.  I know that God is using him and that business in a ministry we never had to church people.  But I also know that part of God's design on him was opening the Word and helping people SEE it-clearly.  Where does God want to use that part?

Then I blamed my health coach.  I have reasons to be angry.  No, it's not about trust and control, well, ok, maybe a little. Well, maybe a lot- but I have reasons.  

Then I made a list of ALL the things I could think of that I was angry about- and yes, lack of world peace made the list.  That means that I had a really long list. I was appalled at all the things that made the list. Remember I said earlier, I'm not typically an angry person.  Or am I?

I knew I wasn't done with the list but the relief I felt from just 'getting it out there' was so huge, I felt it physically.  Being angry takes a lot of energy.  But when I woke the next morning, I was already thinking in my mind that there were some 'truths' related to each anger that I needed to speak too. 

For instance, the anger that the house wasn't finished and the yard was a mess, etc... I could write...

We are beginning to feel the effect of  'improvement'
  • On our house- continuing to unclutter and decorate
  • On our yard- 'the same'
  • On my health- down 20 lbs- feeling stronger after some big weekends
  • On our marriage- unlayering some of the issues
  • On our relationship with the girls- empty nest ain't so bad
  • On our finances- both in business and at home
Accountability is the KEY to anything that is making improvements.  

But when I started sorting out all the things I saw, you know what I learned?  I am mad at me!
I was blaming Rennie for not 'listening' to the Spirit's prompting in his life for fear we would miss something important.  (That happened in June- but that's another story)

But what I was really mad about was that the day Leisha died, she had asked me to take her out for coffee.  My immediate thought was 'Why not?".  But my practical side one out and I said, 'We've been gone most of the day.  I need to do a couple of things first.  How about we leave early for youth group and I'll take you out for supper?"  

So she went for a walk.  

By the time we could have been sipping our favorite brew- not that either of us drank much coffee, she was in the presence of the Lord.  

I was mad because I 'heard' the voice say "Why not?" and I knew inside that it was a good things to do.  But I compromised and put it off for a while.  I was listening but I missed it.  If I had listened and obeyed immediately- would she still be here? 

Now I don't need you to send me an email with any of the platitudes we say to people when they need to remember that God is in control.  And if it was Leisha's time to die... !  Or  whatever!  That's not what this is about!

But I knew that this was the root of my anger!  

Now what do I do with it?  

(Stay tuned for the next blog! )

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