Why is it so hard?

...To walk away from a loss?

That was the question Pastor Randy asked me this weekend during the sermon. 

It was part of looking at the story of the children of Israel being led into captivity.  To have 'lost' their home, their identity, their traditions, their freedoms… loss after loss, divided with the 'important' people  taken and the poor and weak left behind.  We may not know 'exile' as the children of Israel- but we know loss.  We know separation.  It may be permanent loss-or may be temporary.  It make come sudden or come on slowly.  It doesn't matter if it's death, or divorce, broken relationships, loss of something precious, such as a job, or even a dream.  Loss effects us all.

Why is it so hard to walk away from a loss?

Ren & I have talked about that so often.  Since Leisha died, we now understand why some people experience a loss and never seem to be able to move forward again.  It's as if their feet get positioned in cement and to move is literally impossible.  Even though we were trying to take next steps, so often it felt as if we were in mud up past the top of our head and not only could we not step, we could not move, we could not see, we could not breathe.  That's how paralyzing it can be!

Why is it so hard to walk away from a loss?

My friend, Patty, shared with me afterward that the reason she finds it hard to move forward is that this place of grief is "the closest place to the last time I was happy".  To move forward means to walk away from our happy place. To move forward means  moving toward uncertainty, the unknown.  To something that holds only a hint of goodness- but we can't imagine it at any level.  I remember thinking 6 years ago, how can we ever be 'happy' again?  God you promised that your plans for us were for a future and a hope- ours just died… how will things ever be good again.

Yet here I stood!  6 years to the month later, so keenly aware that I was speaking as someone who was moving forward.  LEISHA'S HOPE was a huge step for us!  It felt life- giving! 

But It is hard!  When tragedy happens a core place inside of us dies.  Everything we believe about ourselves,  past, present and future are suddenly in question.  Everything we ever believed about God is now under a microscope- scrutinized by our definitions of what a 'good God' looks like if he allows this to happen in our lives.  Our confidence wavers- therefore, so does our ability to trust that we know what the next step is, even if we did have the ability to take it.

Jerry Sittser says in A Grace Disguised  that 'it can be good' again.  Life can find it's joys.  It's different than you dreamed before, but it can be good.  I can say that too- because God is good!  I know I didn't always feel that way.  There were many days I sat on His lap -beating his chest till I couldn't even breathe any more.  But in the end, the beating stopped, the tears came.  And I was still in his lap.  I fell into his chest and there found such comfort. 

I don't know what the future holds!  I wish I could say I am unafraid.  But I feel fear very strongly.  I know that God- even being good- is not safe (as they say about Aslan in Chronicles of Narnia). He definitely doesn't do his 'God thing' in the way we would often want Him too. But there is no where else I'd rather be than following Him, being carried by Him!  No matter what happens, He is the only place I will find comfort and healing, strength and courage, vision and purpose!

So...here's to that next step!  How about you? Would you go for a walk with me?

Leisha's HOPE in Pictures

 Thanks to all who made the Leisha's HOPE dream a reality! The cabin is ordered! Lord willing, weather permitting it will be going up in September! More pics then!  

Thanks Bob Gould for taking these!!! You are a sentry- who SEES!

Leisha's HOPE!

Dream

Joy

Fulfillment

Green

Hope

Thrill

Disappointment

Grief

Anger

Peace

Ache

Sadness

The last few weeks have been a plethora of emotions. I can't begin to name all of them.  Actually the last month has taken on a personality of it own.  One I hadn't planned for this summer- yet I know it's right!  I know it's what I was to do!  What we as a family were to be part of!

Over a month ago - June 25th, I visited the DEEP WOODS and listened!  It was a sweet day!  Probably the best day I've had out there- and I've enjoyed them all.  I heard a lot of things that day!  Some I wrote about!  Most seemed random in some way- but I 'noticed' them. 

As I sat in the FAITH cabin that day, the longing in my heart grew to see the HOPE cabin completed.  But how?  How could I raise enough funds to build it- let alone furnish it.  Every extra dollar we have right now is spoken for- for a long time.  Lord, how could we do this?  As I took one more gander back to the HOPE site, I prayed.  Lord, who would be willing to help us build HOPE in the DEEP WOODS?   I began my walk out of the woods and as I came to the clearing, the thought came to me, "Fix your garbage pail dinner and invite others to join you!"  Immediately I knew that was my answer. 

And now it is history! 

And WE'RE BUILDING HOPE in the DEEP WOODS!!!!

Not just a cabin, but the larger cabin, furnishing it and contributing nearly  1/3 of what is needed towards  the electric project for the woods!   HOORAY!!!!  Just got word today that the cabin has been ordered.  Lord willing, weather permitting, we should be able to get it built in September.  We are so very grateful!

The support toward the LEISHA'S HOPE Project was tremendous!  The notes we received, the stories we heard were all part of the joy of 'continuing to influence our world with hope!"  There is so much joy that comes with that!  Perhaps the greatest joy for Ren and I was doing this event with our girls, Caitlin and Brielle.  Their participation made this event so much more meaningful for us.  And the fact that they brought two awesome & strong young men with them didn't hurt either.  We thoroughly enjoyed them all. 

So...back to the plethora of emotions.  Why so many?  Shouldn't I just be excited that our dream of building the HOPE Cabin is becoming a reality.  Well, yes!  Of course I am!

But I'm also keenly aware that Leisha would have loved this!  She would have loved getting her friends together.  (some of them came to be part of it last weekend) She would have loved planning a party!  She would have loved the woods, and the cabins and the 'sacred space'!  She would have loved people from our past and our present, friends and family,  joining together to make this thing work.  She would have loved reading the notes and telling people about it.  Every where I looked I saw things I know she would have enjoyed being part of. 

I have a very real sense that she knows- however they know after they have gone on to heaven.  She knows what has taken place and rejoices for us all.  But...it's not like having her there.  I watch as the two sisters and their guys interact together on the bales of hay, and I know she would have loved that conversation.  She would have loved teasing the guys, messing with the girls and just being part of the family time. 

But I've really missed her this week.  It wasn't until today that the tears really fell.  My heart has been busy for a while now- planning, preparing, returning things, etc.  Today, I rested!  Today I realized how much I wish she was here and we didn't feel this strong need to build the cabin called HOPE.  But since she's not- I love that the memorial to her life is green, life giving, and influencing others with hope!

'Continuing the influence of HOPE!"

Now that's what I want to be about!

Kathy

Letters to Velma

Velma Kroeker Goertzen
and her daughter Beth

(You may want to read the last blog from July 17 first- in order for this to make more sense.  The evening after my last blog, I read a letter from my mom.  It contained an article about a woman she had grown up with who had also lost a daughter.  I didn't think this was my issue.  But as I read- I knew that God had prompted Mom and those who sent it to her for me to get it right now. It was indeed, part of my answer.  I wrote to thank Velma for her story.  I include our letters here as part of what God is doing to help me heal.) 

Regarding: Forgiving again and again! (http://www.usmb.org/forgiving-again-and-again)

Dear Velma

I wanted to write to you regarding an article about you that was sent to me by my mom, Lovella Thiessen, who also married a Thiessen 
who got it from my aunt, Rosalie Thiessen Flickinger
who got if from her sister in law, Jan Flickinger.

Now you know all my connections.

I just wanted you to know that the Lord used your article in a huge way in my life. My daughter, Leisha, died six years ago, August 16, 2006. She was 15 then- would be 21 now. She was walking on our country road. A friend she was meeting drove up across the intersection from her and honked. She looked up and ran. Right into the path of a car. She was killed instantly.

As I read your article, I could identify with so many things, like 'the fog' that you live in after a loss, and 'redefining my faith'. I read of your incredible journey to forgiveness and didn't feel like I needed to do that. I'm a life coach and have worked through a lot of issues in my life, even as I help others do that. I'm generally a very hope-filled person. I thought I had worked through so much of my grief and have been finding ways to share LEISHA'S HOPE with others. 

But this summer, I realized that I am really angry. This week I wrote out a list of nearly 100 things I'm angry about. I was appalled that I was identifying things that I really thought I had worked through. As I read your article, I realized that the Lord was helping me to see this- so that I could forgive. 

As I began to write down the 'truth' that God was showing me about each angry issue, I realized that ultimately, I'm angry at me! My daughter had asked me to take her to coffee that afternoon and I put her off. We had been gone a lot a that day- and I "had to get some things done." So she went for a walk.

She called me about a mile down the road and said her friend Abby was coming to get her- they were going for coffee. Could I bring her wallet down so they didn't have to come back home? I did! And we had 10 glorious minutes! I knew they were even before she died. 

But if I had taken her when she first asked she wouldn't have been there or if I hadn't talked to her- she would have been past the intersection.

I have processed this so many times. I know that these things happen. I know God is fully in control- which is another matter I have had to forgive. But I hadn't realized how guilty I feel that she's gone. I've been blaming lot's of other things and people for my anger this summer. But I'm really angry that I 'wasn't listening' to that prompting in the spirit to grab her up and take her to coffee. Even as I write this, I know that I am identifying a core ache in my heart that needs to be healed.

In those 10 minutes with Leisha, I had teased her that she was so anxious to get her driver's license because she wanted power. She thought for a moment and then said, "You know Mom, I don't want power. I want to influence. I want to say to people, "I'm going, Come with me!" And I stroked her nose and said, "You were made to influence" But 10 minutes later she was gone.

I know that her words were meant to remind me that I want to influence others- and I can't do that if I'm stuck. I can't say, "I'm going, Come with me!" So...I'm taking a next step. I'm forgiving me! 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. For reminding me that healing will be life-long. For continuing to influence your world with your daughter's life- not just her death.

I'm better because of you!
Thanks
Kathy Thiessen Burrus
Columbus Grove, OHIO

*******

Dear Kathy,
My how time brings friends and their families together over time. Your mother, Rosalie and I played together as little girls. They lived across the road from us until they moved to the big white house north of Medora. Then enjoyed Central KS Bible Academy riding the bus together. Such good times.

But so sorry that our stories connect on a whole different level. I prayed that when our story would be published that someone would be able to relate and be helped by my struggle with grief and forgiveness. I had a specific person that I was angry with and had to forgive. It will be a life time of forgiving and forgiving again because even tho its been over 26 years when I think about April 18th the feelings and emotions roll over me again. We will always remember because we loved our daughters but the sharp pain of grief does soften over time with a lot of healing. 

I remember feeling guilty for introducing Beth to the Dr that she saw that night. She had been dealing with food allergies and sensitivities for a long time and he really helped her identify the foods to stay away from but in my grieving mind it became an "if only". If only I hadn't taken her to see that Dr the first time she would still be alive. It took me awhile to realize that God was saying that those choices we made were made with the best intentions at the time and that she did have at least a year where she was feeling so much better. Was it an unrealistic guilt? Yes! But I can truly understand your struggle because you talked to your daughter minutes before she ran into the road! Oh, That must be such a difficult thing to deal with. I can only imagine!

Thank you so much for finding healing in my story and lets keep in touch.

In Him
Velma Kroeker Goertzen

*****

Dear Velma,

My head knows what you are saying. My heart just needs to release the anger that continues to impact my decisions and steps. 

But I am grateful to know that whether it's 26 years or 6 years, we won't forget those precious daughters. We are hosting what we call "Leisha's HOPE" event on the 28th. We're raising money to build a spiritual retreat cabin in the DEEP WOODS project behind our church. There is 25 acres of woods that they are developing with small hermitage cabins, paths, prayer stations, etc. Anyway, we have chosen to build the HOPE cabin. So we are having a prayer walk through the woods, with a garbage pail dinner for those who come. 

My older two daughter's both graduated this year- one with her Master's degree from Wheaton College in Biblical Archeology, the other from Columbus College of Art & Design in Fine Art. We've celebrated them- now it seems like this is Leisha's celebration.

It celebrates life! I do have a blog that tells more of my story. It is www.brickhousenews.blogspot.com 

Thanks for sharing your heart!
Kathy

*******

Kathy

Be kind to yourself and let your heart work through the hurt and anger. Just because your head knows does not mean your heart can work through the hurt quickly. 

I will check out your blog! So good that you can celebrate your daughter's life in a real way that will share HOPE with others.
Velma

I'm SO Angry!

Have you ever had one of those times when the strength of your emotion was so great that it overwhelmed you and sent tears rolling down your cheeks and goosebumps up your arms?  You know those times:

• when you are holding your new little one in your arms and look deep into their eyes and it's as if they can see deep into yours.  
• Or when you are wrapped in your lover's arms and he looks at you with sweet tenderness and says "I'd marry you all over again!"  And you know he would- and you would too!
• Or your adult kid comes home and says 'thank you for everything' and you know they mean it with all of their heart!  

Well, I've had one of those weeks!  But it wasn't any of those things!  In fact, it was a week of intense angry emotions.  You must know that weeks like these are rare for me.  Oh, I get emotional- intensely emotional about a lot of things, but I'm not typically an angry person.  It takes a lot for me to get angry and even more for me to discuss that anger with someone else.  So the fact that I'm writing about it here- it was a big deal!

It wasn't that things were going bad- in fact, things were going well.  

Business is good! They guys that are working with Ren have been such a help and I've enjoyed getting in on the action a couple of mornings a week this summer.  It's amazing to see all they do in a day! 

Brie & Jason came home for the weekend and we really enjoyed having some relaxed time with Brie- just being together.

I was on the worship team the last two weekends.  There's not much I love more than being with a group of people that are worshiping as they lead others in worship.  It is life-giving!

Ren spoke two weekends at Crossroads (July 8 & 15- you can listen to the podcasts at www.limacrossroads.org under the Media tab) It was great to see him preach again- not just hear him.  Because I SAW him being confident of his message.  I SAW him engaging more relationally with the people than ever before.  I SAW his eyes filled with energy and sparkle.  He loved it again!  It's been a long time coming. 

But when the weekend was over- I felt so angry.  I went for a walk that evening after the kids left and I could tell that with each step was a STOMP!  I was STOMPING down the lane with great agitation. Why am I mad?  Why do I feel this way?  Things are going well, aren't they?

...aren't they?

At first, I blamed Rennie for my anger.  I'm mad because I'm afraid he's not listening close enough to the Lord and what if God calls him to preach again and he misses it- what if we're stuck in this limbo forever.  Now don't get me wrong.  I really am ok with Ren fixin' cars for the rest of his life.  I know that God is using him and that business in a ministry we never had to church people.  But I also know that part of God's design on him was opening the Word and helping people SEE it-clearly.  Where does God want to use that part?

Then I blamed my health coach.  I have reasons to be angry.  No, it's not about trust and control, well, ok, maybe a little. Well, maybe a lot- but I have reasons.  

Then I made a list of ALL the things I could think of that I was angry about- and yes, lack of world peace made the list.  That means that I had a really long list. I was appalled at all the things that made the list. Remember I said earlier, I'm not typically an angry person.  Or am I?

I knew I wasn't done with the list but the relief I felt from just 'getting it out there' was so huge, I felt it physically.  Being angry takes a lot of energy.  But when I woke the next morning, I was already thinking in my mind that there were some 'truths' related to each anger that I needed to speak too. 

For instance, the anger that the house wasn't finished and the yard was a mess, etc... I could write...

We are beginning to feel the effect of  'improvement'

• On our house- continuing to unclutter and decorate
• On our yard- 'the same'
• On my health- down 20 lbs- feeling stronger after some big weekends
• On our marriage- unlayering some of the issues
• On our relationship with the girls- empty nest ain't so bad
• On our finances- both in business and at home

Accountability is the KEY to anything that is making improvements.  

But when I started sorting out all the things I saw, you know what I learned?  I am mad at me!

I was blaming Rennie for not 'listening' to the Spirit's prompting in his life for fear we would miss something important.  (That happened in June- but that's another story)

But what I was really mad about was that the day Leisha died, she had asked me to take her out for coffee.  My immediate thought was 'Why not?".  But my practical side one out and I said, 'We've been gone most of the day.  I need to do a couple of things first.  How about we leave early for youth group and I'll take you out for supper?"  

So she went for a walk.  

By the time we could have been sipping our favorite brew- not that either of us drank much coffee, she was in the presence of the Lord.  

I was mad because I 'heard' the voice say "Why not?" and I knew inside that it was a good things to do.  But I compromised and put it off for a while.  I was listening but I missed it.  If I had listened and obeyed immediately- would she still be here? 

Now I don't need you to send me an email with any of the platitudes we say to people when they need to remember that God is in control.  And if it was Leisha's time to die... !  Or  whatever!  That's not what this is about!

But I knew that this was the root of my anger!  

Now what do I do with it?  

(Stay tuned for the next blog! )

Leisha's HOPE is building HOPE!

It's hard to believe, but almost a year ago, I wrote about our first Leisha's HOPE project.  (August 12, 2011)  

It is our heart's desire to partner with Crossroads Church to build the HOPE cabin in the DEEP WOODS spiritual retreat center that is being developed in the 25 acre woods behind the church.

During this year, we rejoice that about 1/3 of the funds needed has come in.  So this month we are going to work to complete the fundraising and get the project underway.  Our goal is to to have the total funds raised by August 16th, 2012.  We are really excited about the possibilities!

For that reason, I'm including an invitation to a special event designed to continue the influence of Leisha's Hope!  You are more than welcome to come.  But please let me know you are coming so I make sure we have enough food to feed you.
________________________________

On August 16^th, 2006 Leisha Burrus told her mom that she wanted to influence others. 
“I want to say to them, ‘I’m going, come with me!”  Fifteen minutes later, she died! 
But her influence lives on in the form of Leisha’s HOPE! 

Green Hope Coaching & All Things New, along with the Burrus family are partnering with Crossroads Church to build the HOPE Cabin in the DEEP WOODS spiritual retreat center as part of LEISHA’S HOPE. 
To help raise the necessary funds for this project, we are hosting the first ever…

LEISHA’S HOPE Walk, 
Saturday, July 28 from 4-8pm

·         You get an opportunity to freely explore paths, prayer stations and cabins- wear walking shoes.

·         You have an opportunity to hear a presentation on the purpose and ministry
of this special place 10 minutes after every hour from 4:00-7:00pm.

·         You have the opportunity to donate to this special project. 

Plus, we will serve our (somewhat) famous 
Garbage Pail Dinner beginning at 5:00pm.
Please bring a lawn chair to be more comfortable.

Come take part in the afternoon for a little or a long while.
To Register or For more information- 

go to www.greenhopecoaching.net/leishas-hope. 

·         Goal –total funds raised by August 16, 2012, the 6^th anniversary of Leisha’s death.

$700 for furnishings, $8,000 for cabin to be built this fall

·         Potentially raise funds toward obtaining electricity to DEEP WOODS ($10,000)

·         Recruit additional assistance with construction of the cabin as well.

Thank you in advance for helping LEISHA’S HOPE build HOPE!
Questions or Comments: call Kathy at 419-306-8311 or email Kathy@greenhopecoaching.com

Life Happens!

Life happens!
And when it does it takes you back to those moments when life has happened before and has left you feeling this pain, this deep ache that makes you wish, with everything in you, that you could turn back the clock and change the outcome of a few moments, or a lost chance.  Somehow all the 'positive thinking' or 'make lemonade' efforts can't take away it's sting!  It just hurts!

Sometimes you think- this should not hurt so much!  It seems silly that your heart feels so heavy with grief.  You know what it is like to really hurt!  This is not one of those times when life is forever changed.  No one has died.  No body has been arrested.  Nothing has been damaged.

It was just a dream, a hope for a brief retreat from 'normal' (whatever that is).  It was rubbing shoulders with 'strangers' really.  It was being alone, but being together.  It was walking on sandy beach, instead of green lawn.  All of which, except the beach, can be done right here!

But a missed plane,
means a missed journey,
means a missed meeting
and missed conversation
means- a missed opportunity!  You just never know what!

Life does happen! I do know one thing!  I don't like it! Often I don't know how to react to it, or recover from it.

I know there are so many things in life we can't control!  But I want to be more 'in control' of the things I can.    I want to choose more of what 'happens' in my life. I want to live life on purpose when I can!  I want to  accomplish the things I choose to do and see success.

But then you have to come to terms with how you define success.  It can get pretty messy all over again.

Well Lord! Help me know to DO what are the important things to do!  Help me know when to 'let go' of the things that are beyond my control.

In the mean time, I now have 3 days I wasn't planning on!
How do you want me to use them?