A morning with my friend!

It was hard to wake up this morning!  Just as it was hard to sleep last night!

My thoughts have been rambling- wanting so much to celebrate

But feeling the weight of grief so strongly.

But today, I had a reason to not dally- my friend was coming to visit

We hadn't had a chance to catch up since she went back to her home far away  last fall.

So much to hear about.

She's come from a very dark place - to a place of hope, of healing

In her own mind,

In her marriage

In her parenting

In her relationship with her parents

In her ability to have friendships, dear friendships

In her relationship with God

In her relationship to her church

Wow!  Such a transformation!

Her words to me were, "Thanks for not freaking out that I wanted to leave my husband and run away from my kids.  I just couldn't see anyway out then.  I didn't know how dark it had gotten."

I marveled.

I didn't freak out, because I remembered a time just like that in my own journey.  A time I wanted to run away, or more specifically end it- the rat race, the relationship- maybe even life itself.  It happens to all of us eventually.  Life is just hard sometimes- and then you combine it with emotional ups and downs, and unfulfilled expectations and unrealistic expectations and add hormones to that...it can be really hard and really dark.

I didn't freak out because I know what it is like to have just given birth to a third beautiful daughter, but feeling undone by it all.

So much joy- so much fear

What if I mess up?

What if I can't love them enough?

What if I don't teach them the right stuff or discipline them when I should?

What if I get angry and discipline them wrong?

What if…

What if?

I didn't freak out because I knew if you hung in there,

If you just did the next right thing- no matter how small that step might be

No matter how many times you need to ask for help

No matter how many people you need to lean on

Ever so slowly you begin to find the next 'light' place to be.

The shade may ever so slight- but that little bit of light gives hope…

For the next step

For the next decision

For the next healing place.

I didn't freak out because I had been there- done that!

I could have grace with her pain because I could connect hers with my own.

Most people's stories relate somehow with the stories of others.  

Oh it might be a different scenario,

Or a different season of life

Or not the same at all.

But we've all known fear

And anger

And disappointment

And grief

We don't have to know it the same way, to know it hurts.

Our pain may not be as bad- or it may be worse.

It doesn't matter.

We can know how someone else might be feeling just by connecting with our own story- and remembering what it felt like

To be betrayed

Or let down

Or rejected.

Or to fail at something really important to us.

Who is in your life that needs grace right now?

What part of your story do you need to recall to give it to them?

I wouldn't have missed this morning with my friend.

How sweet to hear her story of the amazing ways that she has found hope.

How powerful to hear of significant ways God is using her story to speak hope to others now too.

My friend, today- you were my joy gift!

Thank you!

One of those days!

Ever have a day that you can remember almost every detail of?
 
Today is one of those days for me!

I remember waking up with an agenda
I remember the car ride, tired eyes and silence,
I remember conversations, and laughter over shakes at Steak and Shake.
I remember a sour cream carton being pitched across the aisle only to come crashing to the floor- and more laughter and some clean up.
I remember wondering how I was going to make it without getting upset.
I remember wanting to laugh but feeling like I had to be responsible.
I remember dreams and plans being made.
I remember saying no when I should have said yes-
and saying yes when I could have said no.
I remember sparkling eyes, flush face, and fresh hair color and more dreams being shared.
I remember last words.
I remember caring arms, and tears shed and disbelief.
I remember a father falling to the ground in tears.
I remember hearing the scream.
I remember meeting a new face- one I will pray for forever.
I remember numbness, yet feeling fully alive!
Completely aware of so many thoughts and emotions and sensations.
Only beginning to realize that God must be bigger than I had ever known Him to be
for this to be able to be good
or for me to survive.
I remember humming her song on the way home- only to burst into tears when I recalled the words.
I remember not being able to imagine I could sleep- only to wake to a morning sky- the sun still long from shining bright, but already making her presence known.

Days like that happen only a few times in our lives.

Some things I will forever hold precious
Others bring sharp pain and often a gasp
Still others deep, deep gratitude and soft, gentle tears.

No, Days like that are one of a kind!
I never want to forget this day!

I love you Leisha!

More ALL IN Ponderings

So... my question this morning is...

is being ALL IN mean being WHOLEHEARTED?

I don't know...but in my search of scripture I found Psalm 103 again.  As I turned it into a prayer, I was struck by it's power in my journey.

Maybe it will encourage you in your ALL IN journey also.

Lord, 

Let all that I am praise YOU;
    with my whole heart, I will praise Your holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise You, Lord;
    may I never forget the good things You do for me.
3 You forgive all my sins
    and heal all my diseases.
4 You redeem me from death
    and crown me with love and tender mercies.
5 You fills my life with good things.
    My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

6 Lord, You give righteousness
    and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

7 You revealed Your character to Moses
    and Your deeds to the people of Israel.
8 You are compassionate and merciful,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 You will not constantly accuse me,
    nor remain angry forever.
10 You do not punish me for all me sins;
    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For Your unfailing love toward those who fear him- that's me-
    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 You have removed my sins as far from me
    as the east is from the west.
13 You, Lord, are like a father to his children,
    tender and compassionate to those who fear him- to me.
14 You knows how weak I am;
    You remembers I am only dust.
15 My days on earth are like grass;
    like wildflowers, I bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and I am gone—
    as though I had never been here.
17 But Your love, Lord, remains forever
    with those who fear him- with me.
Your salvation extends to my children’s children
18     of those who are faithful to his covenant,
    of those who obey his commandments!

19 Lord, You have made the heavens your throne;
    from there you rule over everything.

20 Praise the Lord, you angels,
    you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
    listening for each of his commands.
21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
    who serve him and do his will!
22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
    everything in all his kingdom.

Lord, Let ALL that I am praise the Lord.

All In ! ? Hmmm?

This last week, I've been recovering from my daughter's wedding - the first of two this summer, and a pulled tooth that I didn't take care of sooner.  And  I have been pondering.  Mostly because to do anything else was just too stressful this week.  But you know how you have recurring thoughts and messages that continue to bombard you from one angle or another?  Well... here's mine over the last couple of weeks?

Kathy, are you ALL IN?

Now I've been pretty tired this week.  The thought of mustering up enough energy to be IN to anything has me going back to bed and pulling the covers up over my head.

What does ALL IN mean? 

Is it fully committed?

Completely engaged?

Totally disciplined?

Giving all energy, time, money, & effort toward a cause- or a relationship?

Does it mean you've got it all together?

Is it in my marriage? my relationship with my girls? most significantly with the Lord?

Is it commitment to my job?

or my dreams?

or others in my world?

Whoosh! I'm tired again!

If I were to ask you ... Are you ALL IN?

how would you reply?

Do you feel like you are ALL IN anywhere?

I don't! 

I want to be, ...I think.

I want to feel committed to something important

I want to feel drawn by the urgency of a dream

I want to feel deeply involved in lives- especially Ren and the girls and their important young men

I want to impact lives of friends, and family, and clients

I want to be so IN in my relationship with my God that I KNOW what His best is for me

I want to be so ALL IN in my care of myself that my health; body, mind, and soul show it.

I want to be so ALL IN that my finances reflect health also

There have been times when I thought I was ALL IN- truly was!

Total commitment- total energy- total vision

Only to discover that the cost of being ALL IN was very high!

Being ALL IN didn't lead to health; in me, in my family, in those I worked with.

I don't want to be ALL IN like that again.

...ever again.

or do I?

Did I - even in the 'unhealth' of being ALL IN- experience incredible healing & fulfillment?

Is there a way to be ALL IN and still be balanced?

 or is balance a mirage- an ideal that is truly not possible?

To live only partially in... is that even worth doing?

This past weekend, we went to Wheaton Bible Church with Cait & Jack.  In the sermon, the pastor kept saying, "It's not how you started, but how you finish."

I want to finish well. I want to finish ALL IN.  But as you can see,  I have more questions at the moment than I do answers.

And I will just say it out right ... I am not looking for pat answers to these questions.

I want to hear from people who know what it is to wrestle with these same questions.

People who know what it is to live in these questions ....the key word being LIVE!

People who know it's not about balance at all.

You, I would like to hear from.

Are you ALL IN? 

What are your thoughts?

34 years...and the dance goes on!

I , Kathy, take you Rennie, to be my wedded husband. 
To have and to hold, from this day forward, 
for better, for worse, 
for richer, for poorer, 
in sickness or in health,
 to love and to cherish 
'till death do us part. 
And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Thirty four years ago right about now, Ren and I were saying 'I DO". We thought we understood what the words meant and the depth of commitment we were making to one another.

But how can you really know...!

You imagine life will get better- of course it will because you are finally together forever.  But being together means that you can't 'go home' if he says something irritating or she does something stupid like you did when you were dating.  Even though you say the vows, you imagine the words that denote positive, hopeful, lifegiving images for the rest of your life.

You can't embrace the 'worse' things- you really don't want to even imagine them!  Losing a job, and the income it brings, or getting sick or even losing a child...those aren't things you dream of when you are young and in love.

But marriage is a dance!  A flow of smooth, studied movements that turn into jerky, uncertain steps. It's being close to being miles apart to being brought close again.  It's happy, joy filled, melodies inspiring spins and twirls around the room.  It's a somber, grief filled dirge of sobbing and isolation and silence.

But it is a dance!  One that you can't learn all the steps for.  You have to go with flow; to respond to the movement of one step, then another. To one partner it feels like they are taking big steps, the other must take small in order to stay near each other.  One leads, learning to give signals to tell which way to go.  The other must sense how to follow, when to stay in step, when to step out on their own for a brief time- each to solo in their own dance.  Some of the time it is very fun; sometimes, not so much- but all the time it is worth doing.
worth working to know the moves of the other
worth the energy it takes to stay in step
worth the effort you both make to stay in the dance together.

With each stage of life- our love for each other has changed as well.
There's the dance of new love- eye meeting, then glancing away in shy giddyness.
There's the dance of fingertips meeting, touching ever so gently
or fingers sliding into fingers and forming a clasp that becomes a familiar place
or arms wrapping around each other
sometimes with kids wiggling their way in between or wrapping themselves around.
sometimes as we watch them drive away to their new home-
to the new family they are beginning.
with their dance partner!

And here we are again, learning yet another dance, learning new steps as different people,
older, wiser, but sometimes not acting like it; more confident, yet afraid; at peace, but aching inside and out for all kinds of reasons.

Yet we can do it!  We can do it -together!
Here's to 34 more years honey!
Can I have this dance!

Celebrate vs Dread

Because I want to remember what I learned about these two words this week.
And what I want to be true of the rest of 2013!

cel·e·brate  

/ˈseləˌbrāt/

Verb Mark (a significant or happy day or event), typically with a social gathering: "his parents threw a party to celebrate his graduation". Do something enjoyable to mark such an occasion: "she celebrated with a glass of champagne".

Synonyms glorify - praise - solemnize - extol - exalt dread   /dred/ Verb Anticipate with great apprehension or fear: "Jane was dreading the party". Noun Great fear or apprehension: "the thought of returning to New Jersey filled her with dread"; "I used to have a dread of Sunday afternoons". Adjective Greatly feared; dreadful: "he was stricken with the dread disease and died". Synonyms verb.   fear - be afraid - funk - apprehend noun.   fear - fright - horror - terror - funk - scare adjective.   dreadful - terrible - frightful - horrible - horrid dread - Archaic One dictionary added an additional aspect to dread- an Archaic use of the word. Archaic To hold in awe or reverence. - An object of fear, awe, or reverence. - Archaic Awe; reverence. adj. Inspiring awe: the dread presence of the headmaster. If dread is fear... Fear is more pain than is the pain it fears!      Sir Philip Sydney - 1554-1586 From a book of old poetry & hymns that Barb gave me as she was cleaning out her closet, I read this last week. In 2013, what i want to be true of me! To find ways to truly celebrate the events and people in my life that I love by being present in the moment and doing something enjoyable to mark the occasion. To be honest with myself about events (or people) that cause me to dread, but rather than fearing the pain- to hold it in reverence.  Acknowledging it hurts and recognizing that my fear of it is more pain than the pain I fear.   Lord, thank you for all that I have to celebrate-in life, in love & marriage, even in our losses. Psalm 2:11 Serve the Lord with fear and celebrate his rule with trembling. Psalm 2:10-12 (in Context) Psalm 2 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations Psalm 89:16 They rejoice in your name all day long; they celebrate your righteousness. Psalm 89:15-17 (in Context) Psalm 89 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations Psalm 145:7 They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

I Cele-dreaded this day!

This is the day - you know -

the one you CELEBRATE  because it acknowledged a great accomplishment by people you care about.

But also the day you DREAD because it reminded you that something is not right about this day.

I've worked hard to 'prepare' myself for this day

I didn't know how having it all happen just before Mother's Day might affect me!

I've cried- or needed to cry- often

I couldn't figure out why-

Why do I feel so very sad

Why do I feel so full of grief

Why can't I stop thinking about her

Why...does...it...hurt...so...bad…???

This is the day when her close friends are graduating,

I've known that Jameson & Kelsey & Abby were all graduating this May.

I've been excited for them and watched closely as they posted pictures and updates

Of all that is happening and all the plans to come.

This is the day when her sisters, Caitlin & Brielle, are getting engaged,

and hunting for the right dresses

And choosing bridesmaids,  and colors, and flowers

and planning showers, and weddings and receptions

But this also the day I remember- that she isn't here!

The day I ponder in so many ways what could have been, if only…!

This could have been her year to graduate from some college

To have a boyfriend

Maybe even to be getting married too.

I can see it happen.

I celebrate these dear people and the steps they are taking

But I dread the emotion because it reminds me that it will never, ever be 'right'.

No matter how hard I/we all try.

She will always be gone- the bold, boisterous, life of the party, troublemaker that she was

We will always miss her presence with us

I always miss her 

Cele-dread!

But today Tim read 1 Cor 13- 3 times he read it during Shalom

Each time the words I heard were

'if we do not love, we are nothing.'

I loved!

I still love!

Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean I have quit loving her!

It's because I love that this day hurts so very deep.

It's my love that causes my heart to break

On this day

On all of these days of celebration.

As I look as these precious people- men and women that she loved too!

Some that she never got to meet

I rejoice for what God is doing in them- through them- around them

I celebrate the love I feel for them- and they for me

I cherish it!

I could NOT not love them.

That would be far worse to me

To have never have loved at all

It might mean that it would not hurt so much now

But what would make life worth living without that love.

I could fear losing and therefore not love so that I would not get hurt

But truly to 'not have love, means I have nothing'

I have a heart that is full- of emotion, of sadness yes, but also of joy, and gratitude,

For the life I knew

For the sense that I am loved

And that I love still!

That's something!

I celebrate!