One of those days!

Ever have a day that you can remember almost every detail of?
 
Today is one of those days for me!

I remember waking up with an agenda
I remember the car ride, tired eyes and silence,
I remember conversations, and laughter over shakes at Steak and Shake.
I remember a sour cream carton being pitched across the aisle only to come crashing to the floor- and more laughter and some clean up.
I remember wondering how I was going to make it without getting upset.
I remember wanting to laugh but feeling like I had to be responsible.
I remember dreams and plans being made.
I remember saying no when I should have said yes-
and saying yes when I could have said no.
I remember sparkling eyes, flush face, and fresh hair color and more dreams being shared.
I remember last words.
I remember caring arms, and tears shed and disbelief.
I remember a father falling to the ground in tears.
I remember hearing the scream.
I remember meeting a new face- one I will pray for forever.
I remember numbness, yet feeling fully alive!
Completely aware of so many thoughts and emotions and sensations.
Only beginning to realize that God must be bigger than I had ever known Him to be
for this to be able to be good
or for me to survive.
I remember humming her song on the way home- only to burst into tears when I recalled the words.
I remember not being able to imagine I could sleep- only to wake to a morning sky- the sun still long from shining bright, but already making her presence known.

Days like that happen only a few times in our lives.

Some things I will forever hold precious
Others bring sharp pain and often a gasp
Still others deep, deep gratitude and soft, gentle tears.

No, Days like that are one of a kind!
I never want to forget this day!

I love you Leisha!

Letter to Leisha

Hi Sweetheart!
It's been so long since I've touched you last.  Six years ago today in fact!  In some ways it seems like yesterday, but in most ways it seems like a lifetime ago already.

I think of you every day, wondering what life is like in heaven,  knowing that your LIFE is full of richness and amazement.

• I'm wondering what kinds of things you DO there
• what WORSHIP is like when you are so aware of HIS presence, 
• what WORK is like when you love what you are doing.

Even as I think of those things, I realize that even here on earth I have experienced His presence in worship and I do know what it is like to love my work.  Yet I long to know what you now know, seeing it from the other side.

This morning, Jerry Suter asked your Dad and I to come to share 'WORDS OF WISDOM' with the Suter bunch.  I remember when you and your sisters would come home from picking corn and share something that was said at the WORDS OF WISDOM time.  What a cool thing Jerry & Nancy have done there - with so many kids for so long.  Catherine was there, so was Jennifer and Ava and others you would know.  

Dad had to leave before the kids got back from the corn field, so I shared myself.  I remembered a time when I was their age and had been asked to write my obituary.  I remember being very challenged by the exercise to consider what I wanted people to say about me when I died.  I wrote that I died very old, had a husband that adores me, had kids and grandkids that love me dearly, do ... lot's of different things that make a difference in people's lives.   No where did I put that I would experience pain, or lose a daughter before she had a chance to grow old.

I told them today was your 6th anniversary in heaven. I shared with them the legacy you left me. In our conversation just minutes before you died, you told me, "I want to influence.  I want to say to people, 'I'm going, come with me!'"  Your words became a huge impetus for me to keep moving forward.  So I could say to people "Come with me!"   You reminded me that your favorite color means your favorite word, "Green means HOPE!"  You left me a legacy of hope- green hope in a sometimes brown world!

So I challenged them to consider what legacy they are leaving in their world.

Yes, Jerry cried!  You knew he would! I told the kids that the evening you died, I didn't remember all the hugs I got that night, but I remembered looking up into Jerry's face shortly after I got to the scene, and seeing in his face that he knew something about my future that I didn't know.  I watched him fall to the ground in grief, sobbing not just for you or for us- but for Tim and his family all over again.  I'm sure you and Tim have talked about us often.  Oh how Jerry & Nancy have mentored us with hope- and the ability to continue to influence the lives of others for hope!

Since Dad had to leave, I didn't have a ride home!  Nancy offered to take me, but I said, "I think I need to take the walk home!" She immediately knew what I was saying!  "Time to think, huh?"

It was!  Walking home from Suter's means walking to your corner!  The one where you found the Narnia door to heaven!  The last time I walked there was a couple of months after you died.  Jerry Sittser, in his book "A GRACE DISGUISED" talked about early in his grief, he tried to lasso the sun and keep it from going down in the west.  His sister challenged him to let go of the sun and 'turn east'.  If you walk into the darkness, the morning will come sooner.  At first I hated that idea!  Turning east from our house meant turning toward your corner.  But after thinking about it awhile, it seemed important for me to do.  So one afternoon, I walked your 'last walk'.  Down the driveway, past Richard's barn, across 696 all the away to Road 5.

It was an incredible God moment for me.  But also full of anguish.  I wrote about it recently.  (http://brickhousenews.blogspot.com/2012/05/turning-east-again.html) I couldn't share it then...it was too...deeply personal. But it's been healing to remember now.

I didn't remember the walk back from that corner then. My grief was so raw, the darkness so encompassing. But today I felt the warmth of the sun on my back, I was amazed at the brightness of the day and the lightness of my heart.  I actually walked around the corner and suddenly stopped and looked back.  I realized that my thoughts were not on the accident or your death, but your life. Times we had as a family riding bikes on that road.  (Remember when Brie crashed into the ditch when she didn't know how to use her brakes yet)  So many times we drove that road to church, or practice or ...to work at Suter's!   I stood there and realized that as I turned the corner I was thinking of LIFE!  I marveled at the healing that has come. Six years ago I never thought I would laugh again, or know joy again. I never thought I would enjoy life.  But I am!  You are a big part of helping me get to this place!  Your legacy had reminded me to look to the ONE that can give hope!

As I walked in the door, I burst into tears and sweat poured from me!  But after sleeping for a while, I realize that it wasn't the exercise that exhausted me (tho I know I am not in good shape yet), it was the release of emotions that have been building over the last few weeks of preparing for the LEISHA'S HOPE event in July and looking toward this anniversary.  Just because I am experiencing hope, doesn't mean I don't miss you terribly! I do!  It doesn't mean I don't wish that you were still here, being part of our lives in a physical sense.  Though in so many ways I sense you are continuing to make this journey with us in spirit!

This afternoon I went to the woods to meet Tabby!  Oh it was so good to see her! I showed her the FAITH cabin (she was impressed- wants to bring her folks).  I showed her where HOPE will be.  She loved it!  We walked around the trail and talked for 2 hours.  We could easily have talked more, but she had a 4:00 appointment.

One of the things I told the Lord recently was that I was sad that I don't get to see 'new' pictures of you like I do Cait & Brie.  Or hear new stories of things you've said and done.  But Tabby shared with me something I don't think she ever told me before.  She shared with me that the evening you were on your walk, you called her and left her a message.  Something like, "Hey Tabby, I just wanted to tell you that I'm not coming to youth group tonight.  But I wanted you to know I was thinking about you.  I'll see you Sunday!"   Tabby said she didn't know what made you think of her, but the fact that you called her, and then died has made such a difference in her life.  She told me that often when she doesn't know what she should do, she thinks "what would Leisha do?"  One time after she got her new little GREEN Bug for graduation, she didn't want to get it dirty.  Some of the kids from youth group needed a ride.  Her dad just said, "What would Leisha do?"  She turned to the group and said, "Ok guys, come on, let's go!"  She even put the GREEN HOPE eye on some TOMS she had made.

I did remind her that from your perspective now, you would remind her that it doesn't matter what you would do.  What is important is what would Jesus have her do in this moment!  I also reminded her that you would tell her not to be like you, but to be the very best Tabby that God created; with all of the incredible skills and abilities and dreams that God planted in her. And Leisha she is amazing!  I love her heart for her family, for people, for the 'behind the scenes' of ministry.  I know God is using her in amazing ways already.  He used her in my life today.

I spent the rest of the afternoon just quiet in the cabin. Just resting! reflecting! remembering!

I just want you to know how very much I love you! How much more I miss you!  How proud I am of you and the legacy you left for me- for so many others!  Thank you honey! Have a great day in heaven today celebrating your 6th anniversary of running into His arms!  I look forward to the day I will see you again!

I love you!
Mom

I Spent the Day in the Woods August 16, 2011

...the DEEP WOODS that is! It seemed the logical place to be today. I needed this day to be set apart. I needed to be set apart. I needed this day to be quiet, peaceful, restful. I needed a day to just BE and remember! So I came to a 'safe place'. A place of quiet beauty and rest.

All the way here the tears were spilling over, insisting on being released. I could do nothing to stop them. But they were unusual tears. They weren't just tears of grief- though I am grieving the absence of our third daughter for 5 years now. The one who insisted life take notice and listen to her. Even today I feel an urgency to remember her. She's walked with me on my HOPE walk through the woods. It felt like she poked me with a leaf that fell on my hands while I was taking a picture of the future site of the HOPE CABIN. I feel such hope thinking that one day soon this cabin will be built and I and others will be able to go there for rest & quiet from their hectic, sometimes pain-filled lives. Today I spent in the JOURNEY cabin and it has been a sweet place today to remember that I am not in the 'dark place' I crawled into 5 years ago.

Our family spent Sunday together- just sharing a meal together, sitting together sharing stories and laughter and sometimes tears. We even had a 'car problem' to deal with - seems like there always is one. A random homeless angry man chose to punch the windshield out of a random car on Brie's campus that just happened to be my car- since she was driving mine while hers had been in the shop for repairs. So we brought hers down and took mine back. Once again reminded that it's just a thing. Brie was not in it- she was not hurt- and somewhere in a Columbus jail sits a man that I pray for today. Maybe you can pray for him too! I wonder what kind of dark place he finds himself in.

This morning after my walk, the Lord led me to Psalm 57. It's amazing what the Psalmist teaches us in that Psalm about what to do when you are in a dark place. David was in a dark place just then- a cave at En Gedi where he was hiding from King Saul, in fear for his life. But even here, David shares how he dealt with his dark place. Let me share with you what I learned.

He started out by crying out to God.
"Have mercy on me, O God. Have mercy in me. For in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wing until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.."

Then he remembers "God sends his love and his faithfulness." It just struck me how it was included as if Leisha were writing me a letter and closing by saying- by the way, Mom, God sends his love…! I needed to remember God is intimately acquainted with my day, my tears, my emotions.

Then in verse 4 he begins to speak of his fears.

I said earlier my tears were unusual - they weren't just tears of grief- they are also tears of gratitude. You see over the last 5 years, I've begun to face some of my greatest fears. I found them to be areas where I was frantically seeking to gain control, yet feeling empty in my seemingly futile attempt. As the Lord made me aware of yet another, I would bring it to Him and ask for His truth to speak into it. Each time He spoke, I sensed another area of my life free up- another place in my heart give in to his grace. And I found peace! Sweet, rest filled, green-hope inspired, peace.

I am grateful! Five years ago, I couldn't imagine ever feeling life- or hope- again. Yet I feel both as I spend this day in the woods.

PS 1. I've been writing a lot lately, but haven't taken the time to post here. So I will date each one with the day they were written.
PS 2. If you want to know more about the DEEP WOODS/ Leisha's Hope Project- go to August 12 to read more.