Friday, April 19, 2013

A Plethora of Emotion.....

This is an amazing time of my life!

Fortunately I have had some time to just 'reflect' lately. To process -to just sit in some of these emotions has helped to bring clarity to some of the stuff whirling around in my head and heart these past days.

I'm very aware that 'sitting in' these emotions is not an easy thing to do. It feels like it would be so much easier to just move forward from here instead of taking all the energy to identify what emotions I am feeling. Let alone figuring out what impact they are having on me and on my decisions for the future.  But moving forward is actually nigh to impossible if the circumstances or emotions keep digging in deep to the now- or even deeper to the past.  So... I sit!

Have you ever looked up the word 'plethora'?
It means overabundance, or excess.
One definition was overfullness!

That one seems to most describe this time-- overfullness!

First and foremost,
Our daughter, Brielle, got engaged last October and is getting married this October.  So we have already had a lot of wedding plans being made.
Then our daughter, Caitlin, got engaged in this past March and is getting married this July!
Yes, before her sister!
Yes, it's a deal!

But we are thrilled for both of the girls and so grateful for both of the young men that God has brought into their lives to do this marriage journey.  We look forward to getting to know them all better as young adults now.  They have been such a gift to us in so many ways.

The girls have been living on their own most of the year after having graduated from their respective programs.  But there is some finality of them getting married. To have them both getting married in the same year, well, we feel emotions we hadn't anticipated.  We are thrilled for both of them- but it means that a season of life is done.  Empty nest is official and we are feeling it more than we dreamed.

I suppose it is coupled with hearing them speak of their dreams and plans for their futures.  It has reminded us of ours - so long ago!  We are not where we thought we would be at this juncture in our lives.  Oh, in some ways we are- but we didn't get there like we envisioned and we're not sure we are content to stay here.  But what does that mean?  Not sure yet!

In addition to planning weddings, last October I stepped back into a role on the support staff of our church.  I had worked there for 3 years shortly after Leisha died.  Then stepped out for 2 years to finish my schooling and establish my coaching a bit.  But the Lord continued to develop in me a longing to be back on the team.  Quite unexpectedly, our pastor asked if I would have any interest in taking my old job back.  I was ready to say yes almost immediately.

However, just recently, Barbara, one of the staff members that I have loved getting to know, handed in her 'retirement papers".  She has been on staff 16 years and will be missed so very much in that role.  She's not leaving the church- just stepping out of the position.  I cherish her friendship more than that of working with her- but I have learned so very much from her. Probably most significantly, to SEE- outside my box, bigger than ever, more simply than usual.  She has pointed me to God over and over again.
So her transition has stirred up lots of things:
a feeling of loss, though it is more just change,
 memories of a time when we did the leaving.
It's not the same- but it prompted a reliving of so many of the same emotions.

Combine wedding planner & home renovations, with the part time job & letting go of co-worker and I become one 'overbusy' lady.  I have had to take a step back with my Green Hope Coaching-- temporarily.I am still an instructor at the school I received my certification. I am still coaching with private individuals or groups, but I am not planning groups or events for the time being.

That describes this time!
It's not bad-
just FULL!

Full of transition & change
Full of emotions- joy, sadness, fear, anger, dreams, purpose, generosity, selfishness, faith, hope, love.
Full of pondering- and no time to ponder- though my heart tells me I need to ponder more
Full of opening my hands to what God is doing
Full of realizing that I closed them again around something that seemed so important
only to realize that they are closed around the wrong thing - and learning to open them again.
Full of setting goals- but never really intending to finish them
Full of seeing goals come to fulfillment
Full of uncertainty, yet curiosity about the future.
Full of great joy- but there is heartache too!
Full of kairos- those 'God breaking into my world' moments
Full of the awareness that God is here- revealing Jesus- and transforming me!

Oh Lord!  May I always be!
Over FULL!

God is Here, Darlene Zschech

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