Sunday, April 28, 2013

She would have been...

22!  Today she would have been 22,
and possibly graduating from college with her friends this May
And maybe 'getting married'
like her other two sisters are this year. 

But I don't know what she is 'right now'!
I sense she is very much alive
Thoroughly using the gifts and abilities
God has designed her to use
Experiencing deeply the joy of being authentically  Leisha

But this morning I sense there is more… much more!

I woke up from some vivid dreams- It is dark
and I'm aware I am not in my own bed, but the guest bed at my parents home. Ren lays beside me sleeping soundly, though he had been so restless the night before.
Much like I felt now.

The dreams were a collage of dreams really- all having a different setting  and different characters too
But the plot was similar
Somewhere- somehow- something tragic happened and someone died.
Someone was ripped out of the life of another who loved them.
Someone was left with a gapping hole and a horrific ache.
I would stir from one dream only to appear in the middle of another story with the same heart wrenching scene.
I lay there sobbing silently- reliving what was  my own tragic  scene
Rehashing my own violent emotions
Longing- deeply longing to hold my girl once again.
To celebrate her birthday with her present-
this day that reminded me she had lived
She had messed up my world from the day she was born
And I knew I would never be the same because of it.
I was eternally grateful.

But this night my heart senses more...much more!
My Leisha may not celebrate her 'earth birthday' as much as we do!
I consider the fact that the day she trusted Christ as her Savior might be the day she celebrates.
Or the day she 'ran into heaven' - August 16th-
maybe that day is of more significance to her now than the day they placed her in my arms
And we named her Leisha Danae!

Maybe- because time in heaven is so different than on earth-
Maybe it only feels like 7 seconds since she's been there
And not the 7 long years I have labored through to find healing.

But there's more! 
She is face to face with Jesus, Son of God
Singing, serving, loving, working, welcoming, talking- you know she is talking
maybe even praying- for me, for her dad and her sisters, for her friends.
I don't know how that works.

But the thing that astonished me was that she was 'face to face' with Jesus.
I recall the words of the song "I can only imagine… what it will be like...when your before me!"
As I lay there in the darkness- peace came!
The same peace I felt the afternoon I sat with her in the ambulance before they took her away
Overwhelming peace that everything that was Leisha except this beautiful shell
Had already run on to heaven.
The vibrant life I had seen moments before  was completely gone.
I knew she was with Him now.
I never was more sure of anything in my life.
I felt peace!  Now- as then!

She is with Him!
Whole! Not broken!
Kneeling at His feet!

I slept!

I woke later in the morning to my mom playing the piano as I fondly remember her doing all of my life.
My heart was comforted at the sound of it.
Then I realized what she was playing… and I smiled and sang along with the words I could remember....

...face to face, I shall behold Him, far beyond the starry sky;
            face to face in all His glory, I shall see Him by and by!

Vs1.Face to face with Christ, my Savior,
Face to face
—what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him,
Jesus Christ who died for me.

CH. Face to face I shall behold Him,
Far beyond the starry sky;
Face to face in all His glory,
I shall see Him by and by!

Vs2. Only faintly now, I see Him,
With the darkling veil between,
But a blessed day is coming,
When His glory shall be seen.

Vs3.What rejoicing in His presence,
When are banished grief and pain;
When the crooked ways are straightened,
And the dark things shall be plain.

Vs4.Face to face! O blissful moment!
Face to face
—to see and know;
Face to face with my Redeemer,
Jesus Christ who loves me so.

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