I have lived Afraid

My blogging of late has been in the personal pages of my journal!  I'm sure I will share some of them at some point, but not yet.  Partly because they are still so personal, partly because I have yet to sort out what I've been thinking and experiencing.  

You can imagine some of the emotions having just had 2 daughters get married within 9 weeks of each other; experiencing empty nest like never before; standing at a threshold of 'what's next' and really longing for clarity.  

But in the mix of it all, I have come to understand something pretty significant.  
For the last 7 or 8 years, I have lived much of my life AFRAID!

I don't think I thought I was afraid, though I knew there were times when I quite easily bordered on, if not plummeted, into panic.  But I kept telling myself that I should cut myself some slack- there have been hard things that have happened, it will take time to get over it.

But...I'm getting ready to make a 'change'- a great change, but change none the less. (more on this to come!)

Did you know that CHANGE is one of the top 5 fears that people have?  The others are: 
Fear of failure, 
Fear of unworthiness, 
Fear of loss of identity, 
& Fear of Success.  

I had to admit within the last 7-8 years, I can point to a time when all of them have played a large roll.  But I'm a person that works hard to process and analyze how things are effecting me. (I'm a LIFE COACH for pity sake!)  Yet I was blown away by how so many of these messages are playing over and over in my mind & heart still. Messages that I have identified as lies and thought I had replaced with truth that I believed and could own.

Recently I was challenged to consider how the FEARS, and trauma, and painful life events have effected my physical being.  I know it has impacted me emotionally, spiritually, mentally.  But what about physical scars.  My immediate answer was that it has shown up in my weight- pretty obvious for all to see.  But...how else is it showing up.  The fact that I have Addison's Disease (google it for more info) is one factor of physical scarring.  My adrenal glands quite doing their job because of it.  I think I have much to learn yet about other ways fear has affected me. 

But I can attest to the fact, and think we can all agree, that we are designed so interconnected that our body, mind, heart and soul are all deeply impacted by things that happen in our life.  

The greatest fear I feel today isn't on the list.  Though I suppose they all play into it.  

My greatest fear (and I ask that you hold what I share with you prayerfully) is that I will once again experience a loss

 like losing Leisha-

Or leaving ministry

Of not being able to let go of a dream of being "pastor's wife"

 A young mom that I have admired for so long had brain surgery this week- I grieved- felt gut sick. I thought it was for her and her boys & her dear husband. My friend Pat helped me realize I couldn't speak of this young mom's mom.  As soon as Pat mentioned her, I broke out into tears.  My grief for the mom was actually the deeper grief.

Then this week a young woman was killed in a single car accident.  

When I heard, I felt the floor rising up- I felt my body feeling like collapsing, 

Though I stood- I was gut sick again.

Numb

Needing to cry

This young lady was 2 days older than Leisha. 

She had a painful journey in her teens, mainly through choices she had made, but she had recently made some very right choices and was honoring the Lord in her life. 

I could think only of this girl's mother.

Then of her 3 year old child.

My heart screamed "Lord, could I experience loss again and live? Loss that explodes my heart with violence so great that I can't even find all the pieces let alone put it back together again?  

So… I began to pray (granted - some of my earlier prayers regarding this were not so neat, but this is where I have come out today)

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again- the pain of losing Leisha

I still love and embrace my journey and what it has taught me.

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again-

I recognize that You, Lord were with me through it all- you never left me

You walked with me through the darkest, muddiest, deepest places.

It wasn't till I looked back that I could acknowledge you at times, but you were there.

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again

I remember the grace You gave in that moment

Grace that you are giving even now to these mothers and their families

Grace that you will give to me as I need it.

Even though I fear that this could happen to me again

I choose to believe You, to trust You to walk with me through anything.

I can love and embrace the journey ahead of me.

  

I can face the future with confidence and trust, joy and enthusiasm

Because I know I am not alone

Because I know that You have planted in me a dream

Because I know You have given me skills, abilities and a platform

Because I know that even now You are using my story to impact others

Because I know that my story will allow me to connect with these mothers and others

Because I have seen HOPE- and it is contagious!

Ah Lord God!  Thank you!

I CAN FACE THE FUTURE with GREAT HOPE!

I am not fearless- yet!

But with Your help, Lord,  I can do it afraid!

2 Corinthians 4: 6-12

For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[b] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

Even More ALL IN Ponderings

It has been so amazing where all I have been that has impacted my ALL IN considerations

Yesterday it was Rennie's message from Psalm 1 at Crossroads.

Stand- Walk- Sit with the Righteous

Decisions set directions that lead to destinations

Where do I want to go?

Where are my decisions leading me?

(ouch- didn't like that picture in some things.)

What/ Who are influencing those decisions?

(ooo- now that's not fair.  He knows I had a hard weekend- I did some right things, but some of my choices were not so right- and some of the 'influences' not so healthy)

I told Ren I was only going to listen to his sermon once- it was making my toes bleed from getting stepped on so much. But I heard most of it 3 times.

Today it was in my reading - "The Call" by Oz Guinness

I have been impacted by this book tremendously in the past, but I picked it up again this weekend. 

I know what I am reading in not just for what God wants to teach me

But for what He wants me to share with others as well.

I wish I could share it all with you here- but I guess you can buy the book yourselves.

But here are some things that struck me in my journey…

'finding and fulfilling the purpose of our lives comes up in a myriad of ways

 and in all seasons of our lives…

 in all the varying transitions of life…

Negotiating the changes feels longer and worse than the changes themselves because transition challenges our sense of personal meaning.

Well, if ever Ren & I have been in a season of transition it is now- as both daughter's get married and our lives feel as if they are at a place of beginning again.  We do want to know that we won't waste what is left.  We want to know that our lives- no matter what we are doing- is making a difference for the kingdom.  We long to leave a legacy- not just to our daughters, and now their young men or future grandchildren.  We want to know that we are fulfilling the purpose for which we are here on earth.

At one point, we thought we knew what that was- but the past 7-8 years, it has been very clear that God is/has reshaped that vision.  And now we are IN TRANSITION again- even as we are being challenged to be ALL IN.

Kierkegaard wrote in his JOURNAL: "The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wants ME to do; the thing is to find the truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die."

Guinness points out that

• The SEARCH for purpose of life is one of the deepest issues of our experiences as human beings
• The EXPECTATION that we can all live purposeful lives has been given a gigantic boost by modern society's offer of the maximum opportunity for choice and change in all we do.
• The FULFILLMENT of the search for purpose is thwarted by a stunning fact: Out of more than a score of great civilizations in human history, modern Western civilization is the very first to have NO agreed on answer to the question of the purpose of life.

Hence ...more of us are seeking what few of us are finding!

Exasperating at best!

Yet he goes on to say...

Answering the CALL of our Creator is "the ultimate why" for living, the highest source of purpose in human existence.

I completely get this.  I say this often.  I KNOW this to be true.

But how do we know what the CALL of God is for us?

How do we know if we have found it, let alone living it out?

And if one person thinks they know it, how does that help me? Usually it only makes me more discontent in my own journey.  'I don't have it.  I can't find it.  Whatever IT is!"

But listen to this, Guinness defines CALLING as

 'the truth that God call us to himself so decisively that

Everything we are,

Everything we do,

Everything we have

Is invested with a special devotion and dynamism lived out as a response to his summons and service.

You know what I call that---- ALL IN!

Whoa!  Popped me in the face this morning!

Everything I am

Everything I do

Everything I have

Lived out AS A RESPONSE to God!

If I am going to RESPOND in an ALL IN fashion- then I have to be listening to what God is saying.

I must give intentionality to space in my life for that purpose.

That takes time- doesn't have to be a lot of time

That takes effort- to say no to something, even one thing,  that might distract me today

That takes willingness to be still- which can be hard. That means I might hear some of the things my head is saying that need to be quieted.  Sometimes that is the hard work.

But today, this day, Lord may

Everything I am

Everything I do

Everything I have

Be lived out in response to what you are CALLIng me to be.

Today, I want to live ALL IN!

How about you?

A morning with my friend!

It was hard to wake up this morning!  Just as it was hard to sleep last night!

My thoughts have been rambling- wanting so much to celebrate

But feeling the weight of grief so strongly.

But today, I had a reason to not dally- my friend was coming to visit

We hadn't had a chance to catch up since she went back to her home far away  last fall.

So much to hear about.

She's come from a very dark place - to a place of hope, of healing

In her own mind,

In her marriage

In her parenting

In her relationship with her parents

In her ability to have friendships, dear friendships

In her relationship with God

In her relationship to her church

Wow!  Such a transformation!

Her words to me were, "Thanks for not freaking out that I wanted to leave my husband and run away from my kids.  I just couldn't see anyway out then.  I didn't know how dark it had gotten."

I marveled.

I didn't freak out, because I remembered a time just like that in my own journey.  A time I wanted to run away, or more specifically end it- the rat race, the relationship- maybe even life itself.  It happens to all of us eventually.  Life is just hard sometimes- and then you combine it with emotional ups and downs, and unfulfilled expectations and unrealistic expectations and add hormones to that...it can be really hard and really dark.

I didn't freak out because I know what it is like to have just given birth to a third beautiful daughter, but feeling undone by it all.

So much joy- so much fear

What if I mess up?

What if I can't love them enough?

What if I don't teach them the right stuff or discipline them when I should?

What if I get angry and discipline them wrong?

What if…

What if?

I didn't freak out because I knew if you hung in there,

If you just did the next right thing- no matter how small that step might be

No matter how many times you need to ask for help

No matter how many people you need to lean on

Ever so slowly you begin to find the next 'light' place to be.

The shade may ever so slight- but that little bit of light gives hope…

For the next step

For the next decision

For the next healing place.

I didn't freak out because I had been there- done that!

I could have grace with her pain because I could connect hers with my own.

Most people's stories relate somehow with the stories of others.  

Oh it might be a different scenario,

Or a different season of life

Or not the same at all.

But we've all known fear

And anger

And disappointment

And grief

We don't have to know it the same way, to know it hurts.

Our pain may not be as bad- or it may be worse.

It doesn't matter.

We can know how someone else might be feeling just by connecting with our own story- and remembering what it felt like

To be betrayed

Or let down

Or rejected.

Or to fail at something really important to us.

Who is in your life that needs grace right now?

What part of your story do you need to recall to give it to them?

I wouldn't have missed this morning with my friend.

How sweet to hear her story of the amazing ways that she has found hope.

How powerful to hear of significant ways God is using her story to speak hope to others now too.

My friend, today- you were my joy gift!

Thank you!

One of those days!

Ever have a day that you can remember almost every detail of?
 
Today is one of those days for me!

I remember waking up with an agenda
I remember the car ride, tired eyes and silence,
I remember conversations, and laughter over shakes at Steak and Shake.
I remember a sour cream carton being pitched across the aisle only to come crashing to the floor- and more laughter and some clean up.
I remember wondering how I was going to make it without getting upset.
I remember wanting to laugh but feeling like I had to be responsible.
I remember dreams and plans being made.
I remember saying no when I should have said yes-
and saying yes when I could have said no.
I remember sparkling eyes, flush face, and fresh hair color and more dreams being shared.
I remember last words.
I remember caring arms, and tears shed and disbelief.
I remember a father falling to the ground in tears.
I remember hearing the scream.
I remember meeting a new face- one I will pray for forever.
I remember numbness, yet feeling fully alive!
Completely aware of so many thoughts and emotions and sensations.
Only beginning to realize that God must be bigger than I had ever known Him to be
for this to be able to be good
or for me to survive.
I remember humming her song on the way home- only to burst into tears when I recalled the words.
I remember not being able to imagine I could sleep- only to wake to a morning sky- the sun still long from shining bright, but already making her presence known.

Days like that happen only a few times in our lives.

Some things I will forever hold precious
Others bring sharp pain and often a gasp
Still others deep, deep gratitude and soft, gentle tears.

No, Days like that are one of a kind!
I never want to forget this day!

I love you Leisha!

More ALL IN Ponderings

So... my question this morning is...

is being ALL IN mean being WHOLEHEARTED?

I don't know...but in my search of scripture I found Psalm 103 again.  As I turned it into a prayer, I was struck by it's power in my journey.

Maybe it will encourage you in your ALL IN journey also.

Lord, 

Let all that I am praise YOU;
    with my whole heart, I will praise Your holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise You, Lord;
    may I never forget the good things You do for me.
3 You forgive all my sins
    and heal all my diseases.
4 You redeem me from death
    and crown me with love and tender mercies.
5 You fills my life with good things.
    My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

6 Lord, You give righteousness
    and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

7 You revealed Your character to Moses
    and Your deeds to the people of Israel.
8 You are compassionate and merciful,
    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
9 You will not constantly accuse me,
    nor remain angry forever.
10 You do not punish me for all me sins;
    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
11 For Your unfailing love toward those who fear him- that's me-
    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
12 You have removed my sins as far from me
    as the east is from the west.
13 You, Lord, are like a father to his children,
    tender and compassionate to those who fear him- to me.
14 You knows how weak I am;
    You remembers I am only dust.
15 My days on earth are like grass;
    like wildflowers, I bloom and die.
16 The wind blows, and I am gone—
    as though I had never been here.
17 But Your love, Lord, remains forever
    with those who fear him- with me.
Your salvation extends to my children’s children
18     of those who are faithful to his covenant,
    of those who obey his commandments!

19 Lord, You have made the heavens your throne;
    from there you rule over everything.

20 Praise the Lord, you angels,
    you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
    listening for each of his commands.
21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels
    who serve him and do his will!
22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created,
    everything in all his kingdom.

Lord, Let ALL that I am praise the Lord.

All In ! ? Hmmm?

This last week, I've been recovering from my daughter's wedding - the first of two this summer, and a pulled tooth that I didn't take care of sooner.  And  I have been pondering.  Mostly because to do anything else was just too stressful this week.  But you know how you have recurring thoughts and messages that continue to bombard you from one angle or another?  Well... here's mine over the last couple of weeks?

Kathy, are you ALL IN?

Now I've been pretty tired this week.  The thought of mustering up enough energy to be IN to anything has me going back to bed and pulling the covers up over my head.

What does ALL IN mean? 

Is it fully committed?

Completely engaged?

Totally disciplined?

Giving all energy, time, money, & effort toward a cause- or a relationship?

Does it mean you've got it all together?

Is it in my marriage? my relationship with my girls? most significantly with the Lord?

Is it commitment to my job?

or my dreams?

or others in my world?

Whoosh! I'm tired again!

If I were to ask you ... Are you ALL IN?

how would you reply?

Do you feel like you are ALL IN anywhere?

I don't! 

I want to be, ...I think.

I want to feel committed to something important

I want to feel drawn by the urgency of a dream

I want to feel deeply involved in lives- especially Ren and the girls and their important young men

I want to impact lives of friends, and family, and clients

I want to be so IN in my relationship with my God that I KNOW what His best is for me

I want to be so ALL IN in my care of myself that my health; body, mind, and soul show it.

I want to be so ALL IN that my finances reflect health also

There have been times when I thought I was ALL IN- truly was!

Total commitment- total energy- total vision

Only to discover that the cost of being ALL IN was very high!

Being ALL IN didn't lead to health; in me, in my family, in those I worked with.

I don't want to be ALL IN like that again.

...ever again.

or do I?

Did I - even in the 'unhealth' of being ALL IN- experience incredible healing & fulfillment?

Is there a way to be ALL IN and still be balanced?

 or is balance a mirage- an ideal that is truly not possible?

To live only partially in... is that even worth doing?

This past weekend, we went to Wheaton Bible Church with Cait & Jack.  In the sermon, the pastor kept saying, "It's not how you started, but how you finish."

I want to finish well. I want to finish ALL IN.  But as you can see,  I have more questions at the moment than I do answers.

And I will just say it out right ... I am not looking for pat answers to these questions.

I want to hear from people who know what it is to wrestle with these same questions.

People who know what it is to live in these questions ....the key word being LIVE!

People who know it's not about balance at all.

You, I would like to hear from.

Are you ALL IN? 

What are your thoughts?

34 years...and the dance goes on!

I , Kathy, take you Rennie, to be my wedded husband. 
To have and to hold, from this day forward, 
for better, for worse, 
for richer, for poorer, 
in sickness or in health,
 to love and to cherish 
'till death do us part. 
And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Thirty four years ago right about now, Ren and I were saying 'I DO". We thought we understood what the words meant and the depth of commitment we were making to one another.

But how can you really know...!

You imagine life will get better- of course it will because you are finally together forever.  But being together means that you can't 'go home' if he says something irritating or she does something stupid like you did when you were dating.  Even though you say the vows, you imagine the words that denote positive, hopeful, lifegiving images for the rest of your life.

You can't embrace the 'worse' things- you really don't want to even imagine them!  Losing a job, and the income it brings, or getting sick or even losing a child...those aren't things you dream of when you are young and in love.

But marriage is a dance!  A flow of smooth, studied movements that turn into jerky, uncertain steps. It's being close to being miles apart to being brought close again.  It's happy, joy filled, melodies inspiring spins and twirls around the room.  It's a somber, grief filled dirge of sobbing and isolation and silence.

But it is a dance!  One that you can't learn all the steps for.  You have to go with flow; to respond to the movement of one step, then another. To one partner it feels like they are taking big steps, the other must take small in order to stay near each other.  One leads, learning to give signals to tell which way to go.  The other must sense how to follow, when to stay in step, when to step out on their own for a brief time- each to solo in their own dance.  Some of the time it is very fun; sometimes, not so much- but all the time it is worth doing.
worth working to know the moves of the other
worth the energy it takes to stay in step
worth the effort you both make to stay in the dance together.

With each stage of life- our love for each other has changed as well.
There's the dance of new love- eye meeting, then glancing away in shy giddyness.
There's the dance of fingertips meeting, touching ever so gently
or fingers sliding into fingers and forming a clasp that becomes a familiar place
or arms wrapping around each other
sometimes with kids wiggling their way in between or wrapping themselves around.
sometimes as we watch them drive away to their new home-
to the new family they are beginning.
with their dance partner!

And here we are again, learning yet another dance, learning new steps as different people,
older, wiser, but sometimes not acting like it; more confident, yet afraid; at peace, but aching inside and out for all kinds of reasons.

Yet we can do it!  We can do it -together!
Here's to 34 more years honey!
Can I have this dance!

Celebrate vs Dread

Because I want to remember what I learned about these two words this week.
And what I want to be true of the rest of 2013!

cel·e·brate  

/ˈseləˌbrāt/

Verb Mark (a significant or happy day or event), typically with a social gathering: "his parents threw a party to celebrate his graduation". Do something enjoyable to mark such an occasion: "she celebrated with a glass of champagne".

Synonyms glorify - praise - solemnize - extol - exalt dread   /dred/ Verb Anticipate with great apprehension or fear: "Jane was dreading the party". Noun Great fear or apprehension: "the thought of returning to New Jersey filled her with dread"; "I used to have a dread of Sunday afternoons". Adjective Greatly feared; dreadful: "he was stricken with the dread disease and died". Synonyms verb.   fear - be afraid - funk - apprehend noun.   fear - fright - horror - terror - funk - scare adjective.   dreadful - terrible - frightful - horrible - horrid dread - Archaic One dictionary added an additional aspect to dread- an Archaic use of the word. Archaic To hold in awe or reverence. - An object of fear, awe, or reverence. - Archaic Awe; reverence. adj. Inspiring awe: the dread presence of the headmaster. If dread is fear... Fear is more pain than is the pain it fears!      Sir Philip Sydney - 1554-1586 From a book of old poetry & hymns that Barb gave me as she was cleaning out her closet, I read this last week. In 2013, what i want to be true of me! To find ways to truly celebrate the events and people in my life that I love by being present in the moment and doing something enjoyable to mark the occasion. To be honest with myself about events (or people) that cause me to dread, but rather than fearing the pain- to hold it in reverence.  Acknowledging it hurts and recognizing that my fear of it is more pain than the pain I fear.   Lord, thank you for all that I have to celebrate-in life, in love & marriage, even in our losses. Psalm 2:11 Serve the Lord with fear and celebrate his rule with trembling. Psalm 2:10-12 (in Context) Psalm 2 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations Psalm 89:16 They rejoice in your name all day long; they celebrate your righteousness. Psalm 89:15-17 (in Context) Psalm 89 (Whole Chapter) Other Translations Psalm 145:7 They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

I Cele-dreaded this day!

This is the day - you know -

the one you CELEBRATE  because it acknowledged a great accomplishment by people you care about.

But also the day you DREAD because it reminded you that something is not right about this day.

I've worked hard to 'prepare' myself for this day

I didn't know how having it all happen just before Mother's Day might affect me!

I've cried- or needed to cry- often

I couldn't figure out why-

Why do I feel so very sad

Why do I feel so full of grief

Why can't I stop thinking about her

Why...does...it...hurt...so...bad…???

This is the day when her close friends are graduating,

I've known that Jameson & Kelsey & Abby were all graduating this May.

I've been excited for them and watched closely as they posted pictures and updates

Of all that is happening and all the plans to come.

This is the day when her sisters, Caitlin & Brielle, are getting engaged,

and hunting for the right dresses

And choosing bridesmaids,  and colors, and flowers

and planning showers, and weddings and receptions

But this also the day I remember- that she isn't here!

The day I ponder in so many ways what could have been, if only…!

This could have been her year to graduate from some college

To have a boyfriend

Maybe even to be getting married too.

I can see it happen.

I celebrate these dear people and the steps they are taking

But I dread the emotion because it reminds me that it will never, ever be 'right'.

No matter how hard I/we all try.

She will always be gone- the bold, boisterous, life of the party, troublemaker that she was

We will always miss her presence with us

I always miss her 

Cele-dread!

But today Tim read 1 Cor 13- 3 times he read it during Shalom

Each time the words I heard were

'if we do not love, we are nothing.'

I loved!

I still love!

Just because she is in heaven doesn't mean I have quit loving her!

It's because I love that this day hurts so very deep.

It's my love that causes my heart to break

On this day

On all of these days of celebration.

As I look as these precious people- men and women that she loved too!

Some that she never got to meet

I rejoice for what God is doing in them- through them- around them

I celebrate the love I feel for them- and they for me

I cherish it!

I could NOT not love them.

That would be far worse to me

To have never have loved at all

It might mean that it would not hurt so much now

But what would make life worth living without that love.

I could fear losing and therefore not love so that I would not get hurt

But truly to 'not have love, means I have nothing'

I have a heart that is full- of emotion, of sadness yes, but also of joy, and gratitude,

For the life I knew

For the sense that I am loved

And that I love still!

That's something!

I celebrate!

A Birthday card ...for Leisha?

...or for me?

We celebrated Leisha's birthday (April 28) and my Dad's birthday (April 29) with my parents and my brother Brad, Tanya, Chelsi and her boyfriend Zach!  I don't know if we've ever celebrated Dad & Leisha's birthday's together all these years.  But Ren & I got to be in Texas this time and enjoyed our visit with them.

Mom slipped a card over to me after we finished eating.  On the front was written 'Leisha's Hope' and inside was a gift for the electricity DEEP WOODS project.  I was elated.  There was also a page that had been torn out of a daily bread devotional.  She had marked some portions of it that she especially wanted me to see.  I slipped in back in the envelope and promised I would read it later.  

I didn't get a chance to read it till we were traveling home a couple of days later.  But I was amazed how it tied in with the dreams and words of the hymn on Leisha's birthday. (See April 28th's blog)

I include it here in it's entirety so I won't forget what it said...

from OUR DAILY BREAD, February 8, 2013

Mysterious Truth

Sometimes when the infinite God conveys His thoughts to finite man, mystery is the result. For example, there’s a profound verse in the book of Psalms that seems to present more questions than answers: “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His faithful servants” (116:15 niv).

I shake my head and wonder how that can be. I see things with earthbound eyes, and I have a tough time seeing what is “precious” about the fact that our daughter was taken in a car accident at the age of 17—or that any of us have lost cherished loved ones.

We begin to unwrap the mystery, though, when we consider that what is precious to the Lord is not confined to earthly blessings. This verse examines a heaven-based perspective. For instance, I know from Psalm 139:16 that Melissa’s arrival in God’s heaven was expected. God was looking for her arrival, and it was precious in His eyes. And think about this: Imagine the Father’s joy when He welcomes His children home and sees their absolute ecstasy in being face to face with His Son (see John 17:24).

When death comes for the follower of Christ, God opens His arms to welcome that person into His presence. Even through our tears, we can see how precious that is in God’s eyes.

Lord, when sorrow grips our hearts as we think about

the death of one close to us, remind us of the joy You are

experiencing as our loved one enjoys the pleasures of

heaven. Please allow that to give us hope and comfort.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. —Psalm 116:15

A sunset in one land is a sunrise in another.

Pasted from <http://odb.org/2013/02/08/mysterious-truth/> 

Thanks Mom!

Happy Birthday Leisha!

She would have been...

22!  Today she would have been 22,

and possibly graduating from college with her friends this May

And maybe 'getting married'
like her other two sisters are this year. 

But I don't know what she is 'right now'!

I sense she is very much alive

Thoroughly using the gifts and abilities
God has designed her to use

Experiencing deeply the joy of being authentically  Leisha

But this morning I sense there is more… much more!

I woke up from some vivid dreams- It is dark

and I'm aware I am not in my own bed, but the guest bed at my parents home. Ren lays beside me sleeping soundly, though he had been so restless the night before.

Much like I felt now.

The dreams were a collage of dreams really- all having a different setting  and different characters too

But the plot was similar

Somewhere- somehow- something tragic happened and someone died.

Someone was ripped out of the life of another who loved them.

Someone was left with a gapping hole and a horrific ache.

I would stir from one dream only to appear in the middle of another story with the same heart wrenching scene.

I lay there sobbing silently- reliving what was  my own tragic  scene

Rehashing my own violent emotions

Longing- deeply longing to hold my girl once again.

To celebrate her birthday with her present-

this day that reminded me she had lived

She had messed up my world from the day she was born

And I knew I would never be the same because of it.

I was eternally grateful.

But this night my heart senses more...much more!

My Leisha may not celebrate her 'earth birthday' as much as we do!

I consider the fact that the day she trusted Christ as her Savior might be the day she celebrates.

Or the day she 'ran into heaven' - August 16th-

maybe that day is of more significance to her now than the day they placed her in my arms

And we named her Leisha Danae!

Maybe- because time in heaven is so different than on earth-

Maybe it only feels like 7 seconds since she's been there

And not the 7 long years I have labored through to find healing.

But there's more! 

She is face to face with Jesus, Son of God

Singing, serving, loving, working, welcoming, talking- you know she is talking

maybe even praying- for me, for her dad and her sisters, for her friends.

I don't know how that works.

But the thing that astonished me was that she was 'face to face' with Jesus.

I recall the words of the song "I can only imagine… what it will be like...when your face...is before me!"

As I lay there in the darkness- peace came!

The same peace I felt the afternoon I sat with her in the ambulance before they took her away

Overwhelming peace that everything that was Leisha except this beautiful shell

Had already run on to heaven.

The vibrant life I had seen moments before  was completely gone.

I knew she was with Him now.

I never was more sure of anything in my life.

I felt peace!  Now- as then!

She is with Him!

Safe!

Whole! Not broken!

Kneeling at His feet!

Complete!

I slept!

I woke later in the morning to my mom playing the piano as I fondly remember her doing all of my life.

My heart was comforted at the sound of it.

Then I realized what she was playing… and I smiled and sang along with the words I could remember....

...face to face, I shall behold Him, far beyond the starry sky;

            face to face in all His glory, I shall see Him by and by!

Vs1.Face to face with Christ, my Savior,
Face to face—what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him,
Jesus Christ who died for me.

CH. Face to face I shall behold Him,
Far beyond the starry sky;
Face to face in all His glory,
I shall see Him by and by!

Vs2. Only faintly now, I see Him,
With the darkling veil between,
But a blessed day is coming,
When His glory shall be seen.

Vs3.What rejoicing in His presence,
When are banished grief and pain;
When the crooked ways are straightened,
And the dark things shall be plain.

Vs4.Face to face! O blissful moment!
Face to face—to see and know;
Face to face with my Redeemer,
Jesus Christ who loves me so.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/963#ixzz2TBQynuQR